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Nina998

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 31, 2019
Messages
249
Location
Finland
Day 9 of depression. How people do this months? I can't remember. Nine days has already been hell. Nowadays it hits so hard. 0-100 in matter of days. I keep writing here because this is one of my rare outlets. Don't worry, I don't need advice. I've been here before.

I told my husband what's going on today. Actually I put it in one sentence while we were in a car together. I got no reply. Yeah he is not new to this. So I guess no questions needed. But I cried. Silently of course. In the car and in a grocery store. But who cares? He's probably worried about what's gonna happen to his barbeque party now.

This is the worst time to get depressed. Both of my daughters' birthday are next month. So many parties to organize. We are having a party this weekend too. For a cat. Yes, really. The party will be perfectly executed and I will be beautiful hostess as ever. I mean, why not? Nobody cares anyway how I am really doing. In reality I lay all day on a couch planning how to harm myself if things get worse. Even my skin tone has changed. It looks dead because that's how I feel.

I am waiting for this to last two weeks. I am counting minutes. Sometimes seconds. Depression has to last at least two weeks so it can be diagnosed. That's why I am counting minutes and seconds. In five days I can reach for help. I wonder if anybody's been to ETC after two weeks of depression. Yeah, didn't think so. Too bad because nothing else works for me. So I will be left with useless pills and therapeutic tasks (like planning daily routine). I give it two more weeks before the thing that always lead me to hospital happens. Summer's ruined. Bbq party is ruined.

I am hurting so bad. Is It too much to ask for somebody to care?
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
2,643
Location
Nashua NH
I hear you the depressive side of bipolar is so rough...I have been in it since last October.
Fortunately I’m not married and have supportive people around me so I don’t have to worry so much about disappointing others. Do you think your husband will understand?
 
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Nina998

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 31, 2019
Messages
249
Location
Finland
I don't expect much understanding. I mean he takes care of children if I no longer can. That I am grateful of. But I feel like he undermines my depression and my illness. Like I was causing it on purpose or faking. I've told him what my diagnose is but I guess he has never cared to find information about it or even trying to learn and understand. He's not very supportive of my self-harm either. I hope he won't find out what I did to myself week ago...
 
Zana

Zana

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 15, 2020
Messages
46
Location
England
Maybe you can sit him down with your therapist, have a joint session so he can see this illness from a clinical perspective? At the very least maybe he could learn some tools to help you cope when the depression kicks in.

You are so not alone Nina; look up at the moon and know there are loads of the rest of us loonies looking up at it at the same time, going through what you are, and all caring for you. You'll come through it, good times will come again. Personally I wouldn't worry about the cat party (fishcakes?), plenty of time for more BBQs though.

A hug and a prayer from England.
 
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Nina998

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 31, 2019
Messages
249
Location
Finland
Day 10.

Physical powerless and energy loss is real. Mornings are okay but in afternoon it gets worse. Just when you have to get up and prepare dinner for the family. I stood in a kitchen and thought I was going to faint. It's actually anxiety rather than actually fainting. I just can't tell the feeling apart. Feeling of losing control. Feeling I can't do this, I am too weak and so afraid. Horrible moment. And I move so slowly. Every step hurts. My face muscles are paralysed. I can't smile or express any feeling.

June plans got clearer today. Dates were set for all the parties and other events. It helped a lot with my stress and anxiety. And for a brief moment I had faith in future. I thought I am going to live to see all those happenings. That I was gonna make it through my daughters' birthday party. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't.

I don't know what to expect. During last two years EVERY depressive episode I've had has led to psych ward. I've been there a lot. I was there twice last summer. I would really like to stay home with my kids and do all summer holiday stuff like going to beach. But this illness is evil. It makes me think and act the way I would never do. I would never try to take my own life but when things get really bad I forget about my children and do desperate things to stop the pain. I know we all do that. It's not just me. I am no special.

That's day 10 thoughts.
 
Zero One

Zero One

Well-known member
Joined
May 19, 2020
Messages
919
Location
United States
The skin tone thing bothers me. Maybe your diet is not supporting the chemical changes in your body related to mood....I wonder if there is a nutritionist that handles this sort of thing. If all else fails maybe a dermatologist. Hope the low ends soon :hug:
 
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Nina998

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 31, 2019
Messages
249
Location
Finland
Deadly skin tone is not my only problem. I am also losing weight rapidly. Something is wrong but I don't really care. It's small compared to mental pain.
 
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Nina998

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 31, 2019
Messages
249
Location
Finland
DAY 11 and 12 were good. I had a project to engage so I didn't have time for depressive thoughts. I enjoyed doing it and some shopping and the outcome of my project was way better than I expected. I guess this situation is not hopeless after all. Maybe this will pass without proven to be another episode.

Drinking is becoming a problem. I think yesterday was fourth night I got drunk in a week. I drink until I feel sick. I've never done this before. Especially when kids around but I guess they are so old I won't traumatize them.

The family is coming tomorrow to celebrate cat's birthday that my 8-year-old wanted to arrange. Things are under control and in schedule. Of course they are. Anything to avoid exposure of depression. Things are good, things are fine. I am just fine.
 
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Nina998

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 31, 2019
Messages
249
Location
Finland
It's been two weeks now so it's officially a depressive episode. I didn't contact my cpn. I decided I can wait another week till my next appointment. Depression isn't usually a short run anyway. So no rush.

I've been mainly tired, stressed and anxious. I feel like June is always about pushing myself to limits. Doing more I am capable of. So much going on. Then comes July and I finally crash under the burden.
 
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Nina998

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 31, 2019
Messages
249
Location
Finland
UPDATE. My mood has been under control. I mean not good but not overly hopeless either. I am stressed and anxious every day and what I do is only adding it up. I am having a milloin things to plan and organize which is already causing me unbearable stress and anxiety. And what I do? I create more events!

This happens every year. I get depressed but I keep pushing it away even though depression is real. I put make up on, get dressed, see people, organize parties I am all bubbly and fun but in reality... I am drowning. I give all I have to give and beyond. Until there is nothing to give. And that's when it gets dangerous.

I am glad I realised this pattern. I haven't seen it before. Now I can talk with my cpn. Though it's too late. I already have put myself into deep shit.

Some good things has happened too I want to share. We renovated and decorated our patio and it came out so amazing. It's been warm so I have enjoyed the patio. It brings me joy at the moment and fresh air helps little with my stress levels. Another cool thing happened. I applied for a vacation benefit for me and my kids because my mental health issues and bipolar disorder. I never actually thought I would qualify but guess what... I was granted a week in a spa with my kids with everything... Four meals a day, unlimited access to the spa... you name it! In my current state this, too, is causing tremendous stress. And how can I be sure I will be able to travel to another city alone with the kids? Guess I just have to do it. No matter what. No matter how bad I am coping. Once I tell the kids I can't take it back anymore.

Anyway that was update. I got out of the crisis but it will come back when I can't cope anymore. I had this dream I attempted a suicide and was taken to hospital. Lot of people came to see me but I was unconscious. That is how this is gonna play out?
 
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Nina998

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Joined
Mar 31, 2019
Messages
249
Location
Finland
It's been couple of rough days. I am so stressed and anxious all the time I can't take it. It hurts physically. I am also so exhausted. Even sitting still is overwhelming. I can't cry even if I wanted. I feel numb. I wake up at 7am to send kids to school and ever since I open my eyes I count minutes when I can go to sleep.

So to give myself a break from all this shit I decided to get drunk again tonight. I drink to cope which is new to me but I don't think it's a problem yet. It's just a new symptom of depression.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
2,643
Location
Nashua NH
It's been couple of rough days. I am so stressed and anxious all the time I can't take it. It hurts physically. I am also so exhausted. Even sitting still is overwhelming. I can't cry even if I wanted. I feel numb. I wake up at 7am to send kids to school and ever since I open my eyes I count minutes when I can go to sleep.

So to give myself a break from all this shit I decided to get drunk again tonight. I drink to cope which is new to me but I don't think it's a problem yet. It's just a new symptom of depression.
Getting drunk to cope, I think, does put you on the road to it becoming a (major) problem. Are there other coping methods you could use? Sleep, watching movies, anything that can help you escape without turning to alcohol?
 
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Nina998

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 31, 2019
Messages
249
Location
Finland
I go early to bed watch Netflix but sometimes it is overwhelming too. I don't want to take meds for anxiety because overdosing is a problem. I just want to feel something so I won't self-harm. I guess I could do better with my coping strategies.
 
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Nina998

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 31, 2019
Messages
249
Location
Finland
It's summer now. Kids had their last day at school. All festivities were obviously cancelled but they picked up their school reports. All of them did so well! I am so proud. All of this made me happy. Their reports and summer vacation.

Untill.

One more stress factor regarding this summer occured. That's one too many. I faced my limit. I tried to hold my tears because I was at a supermarket with my hubby. But when we got into a car and he asked me what's going on I had a meltdown. I cried the whole drive to home and I yelled him that it would be easier to everyone if I just killed myself and that I want to kill myself I can't take anymore. I yelled other things too about my illness. These things just came out of my mouth I had no control. At home I kept crying so hard. I haven't been able to cry so now everything just came out at once.
 
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