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Avoidant Personality Disorder Question

L

Lostpossum

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My ex is diagnosed with AvPD - Avoidant Personality Disorder. She left me after 6 years together.

She felt I betrayed her when 2 things happened, 1. She wanted me to choose between her and my family in a situation and I decided to take a third route and just be neutral and try to support all sides. She felt this neutrality and not loving her, betraying her, and choosing my family over her. I even cut off contact myself with these family members but she held her conviction. 2. She announced to me unexpectedly she was pregnant. At the time we just graduated college, had not found jobs, and she and I were living apart because she had this fear (assuming its from the disorder) to live together before marriage because she didnt want to let her parents down (their religious and she believed they would be upset). So when she announced unexpectedly, I was left with anxiety and it was so much anxiety that I had a panic attack.

This panic attack represented my anxiety about money, jobs, and taking care of her and our child. I never once told her any concerns regarding her or my love for her or anything negative about her because I didnt feel anxiety about that. It was purely about finances and her parents opinion. I explained this to her the next day via a letter. Well a few weeks pass, we are talking frequently about it, we go to her therapist and she decides to have an abortion because as she said "she doesnt want her parents to find out, be angry, or be dissapointed." This was a very common occurrence in our relationship - we hid living together in college, she was very very serious about hiding our sex life from her family (not like normal hiding, like hiding even her birth control and having anxiety that they would find it).

She had the abortion, I was supporting her as best as I could. Then 6 months go by. She tells me out of NOWHERE she is unhappy, she blamed me for the abortion, telling me "I had never in my life felt as rejected as I did in that moment when you had your panic attack, I felt like you didnt love me and that this moment in any couples life should be amazing but you ruined it and threw me under the bus" ... "I have thought about it and had you not had a panic attack, I likely wouldn't have had the abortion because I wouldn't have felt betrayed and rejected." This hurt to hear out of nowhere and further it hurt deeper because she left me during this conversation.

Since leaving me, she has erased me as if I dont exist in her life. This makes me sad for 2 reasons, she concluded things that I explained to her that were not true and she stuck to her conclusion. And the other reason, she was my best friend and she has 0 friends, never did. Her siblings are her friends. But nonetheless this makes me sad because her and I were very close and she never had that before. So for her to act like I don't exist hits deep.

What experiences do you have with AvPD?

Do these types of exes come back, assuming they have problems making friends and relationships, do they come back to relationships that were relatively successful? (She and I had a fine relationship until the above event happened)
 
I

itsmeagain

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Howdy possum.
Very sad this story.
So if she didn't want the abortion, then why have it?
 
C

CabbageMama

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Hi LostPossum. My Ex is undiagnosed, but I am pretty sure he has avoidant personality disorder. I left him, which he agreed was the right thing to do, but he then felt totally betrayed by me, couldn’t understand how I had broken up our Family and ripped his children away. I had no idea beforehand, but he had always been scared I would leave him, realise he was what he felt about himself, that he wasn’t good enough etc. He had been living his whole life feeling like that, so overcompensating where he could to make himself believe it wasn’t true. He blamed me for things he had not been able to achieve, compared his job, our house, cars etc to others. Not in an aggressive way ever, I was just the reason that he had not got the things he desired that others had. And most of it was in his head, but it consumed him.

I was with him 13 years, married for 10. Two children. I did everything I could over a lengthy period to try and make things right in our marriage, but kept coming up against a brick wall. He just couldn’t even contemplate that he wasn’t right after all, ever. He would put me through hours and hours of circling argument, all very calmly and in control, wear me down or out enough that I would just give in. And I am not a weak person, but it ended up all feeling too difficult to fight. In any case, he would end up spending weeks at a time not talking to me, barely acknowledging me. With my young children there. I stayed for them, then ended up leaving for them.

So there, that is my experience. There seem a lot of similarities. I would strongly urge you to not consider whether she may come back, just move on to a healthier relationship. My Ex got worse as the years went on, stressors hit and he wasn’t able to keep his prentence up. I had no idea of the lies that had been told, or the extent of his deceit, until our relationship ended. And incidentally, when I did leave him, he never once asked me to reconsider. He actually said that there was no point him asking me to come back, I had made my decision. I think it was that he wasn’t able to process me potentially rejecting him again. Which shocked me, because if he was ok with losing me, which he wasn’t, because of what people would have thought about it and then potentially seeing him in a negative light. I thought he would fight tooth and nail for his children, but that never materialised. He does see them regularly now, but has never asked for more contact. He has reinvented himself. I think he did that when he met me, tried desperately to keep it going and struggled to keep it up as time went on. Me leaving him has forced him or encouraged him to reinvent himself again. The actual truth of things will not be at all accurate, but he will create his own new reality.
 
L

Lostpossum

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Howdy possum.
Very sad this story.
So if she didn't want the abortion, then why have it?
I really wish I knew. But her reasoning stood by before that she worried about her parents. Throughout our relationship she constantly was worried about them even though she was an adult by her age. She would worry about any form of birth control being in her parents house livinf at home because she didnt want to get yelled at.

She hid us living together for 3 years from her family except her sister because her parents believed in being engaged first then living together. This belief put fear into her and she hid it from them for 3 years. I had to move my stuff if they ever visited.

At 28 when she moved back home after our 3 years in college she continued to have a curfew and other rules because she feared her parents disapproval.

This fear led a lot of her decisions, counting the abortion. Yet she never seen this as an issue. When I confronted her about it when we lived together, she said its not an issue, shes an adult, and her parents dont rule her. Yet she navigates her life around making sure they dont find things out.

As I said, she told me she was scared of her parents finding out. We talked about adoption and she was planning on hiding the pregnancy for 9 months.... I told her that was not feasible. And she again went back to her fear of her parents.

Then as I mentioned, following her abortion she blamed me. Its as if she is delusional in that she doesn't feel she could blame her parents, and of course not herself, so whose left? Me.

It kills me every day.
 
I

itsmeagain

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I would definitely move in and find someone without her problems.
My nephew met a young woman with whom he had a relationship of a year's duration.
She would have histrionic outbursts and say she'll kill herself if he leaves her.
She had a dirty flat and refused to get a job.
He left her.
 
C

CabbageMama

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That’s awful for you, Lost Possum. It feels like you don’t have control any of that situation now, the termination, the strange relationship she has with her Parents. It is shit that she lived with you for so long, both assuming you has a good relationship., then it suddenly changed. She was absolutely not right in you needing to choose your Family over her. if she got pregnant when you were together, it absolutely should have been a choice between of you, so it must hurt that it wasnt. You know your girlfriend and what be normal for you two. For me, it absolutely wouldn’t be my first instinct to run back Mum and Dad. If she wanted to have the termination, she could have discussed it with you. if you weren’t helpful, for whatever reason, she could have sought advice from somebody else, Mum, Dad or whoever.

I have a small quiet close Family, who doesn’t make a lot of fuss, but not in a bad way, they are just very English and quite reserved. My Ex had a mahoosive Family, most not actually that close to his actual family, but whatever. They love to celebrate every opportunity for all the things i fucking hate. We aren’t together any longer, but while we were, I fucking rocked every single one of their shitty little get togethers, hated all of them, was the life and soul, ignored the wandering hands from the obviously (should keep everyone away from) Uncle 😳, not to mention my Father in Law - he gave numerous buttock caresses a new meaning! 🤮 And, you know what, I mostly did all this with a smile on my face - Happy faces at all places - thank you! It was just when they started to go started It was just the expectation. Found the Family things hard though, harder as time went on and I could see the massive cracks in their Family units. But I was nearly always the one people would come to, to laugh with, dance with, kids also, so many times, get advice from, reminisces with - even when I wasn’t classed as ‘real’ Family anymore. It has been mostly a relief to leave his Family, but a mixed one. a few of that extended Family were amazing, looked out for me. I will miss their kindness, understanding and wit. Most of them had not the kindest, the humour, the inclusiveness rest were shite and I am glad to be rid of them!
 
C

CabbageMama

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Sorry, please do correct me if I am wrong....

She has had an abortion, which you would rather she hadn’t. She did this without her Parents knowledge, so for now, at least, it can be kept a secret. Honestly, now the abortion has happened already, I would advise you told your Parents. To give them the opportunity to support you. Yu do not need to hold any of this yourself.
 
Argon

Argon

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Avoidants test people to see if they care. Looks like you failed the test. Avoidant's sabotage relationships by dwelling on areas they are unsatisfied with. Normal people are able to compromise with their partners and focus on the positive but avoidant people cannot. They think about on minor flaws and think that both they and the ex are better off single She is unlikely to return. That's actually good for you even though you may not realize it.
 
Summerof76

Summerof76

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Avoidants test people to see if they care. Looks like you failed the test. Avoidant's sabotage relationships by dwelling on areas they are unsatisfied with. Normal people are able to compromise with their partners and focus on the positive but avoidant people cannot. They think about on minor flaws and think that both they and the ex are better off single She is unlikely to return. That's actually good for you even though you may not realize it.
Argon- I'd be interested in your thoughts/theories on the burning of bridges that us Avoidants so frequently do. Not only with romantic relationships, but friendships and general acquaintances too.
 
Argon

Argon

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Argon- I'd be interested in your thoughts/theories on the burning of bridges that us Avoidants so frequently do. Not only with romantic relationships, but friendships and general acquaintances too.
I have seen it over and over again in AvPD forums. Those forums usually dry up and disappear and that makes sense given the behavior. I've been in just about every avpd forum that has been on the internet in the past dozen years. The bridge burning is a way of protection by avoiding people. It's very dangerous getting close to people because then they get information that can be used against you. Check out what happens in divorces. So what happens when you stat to get close? Slash and burn, cut and run. And if you do it right you alienate the other person so much that you don't even have the option of returning to the relationship.
 
Summerof76

Summerof76

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I have seen it over and over again in AvPD forums. Those forums usually dry up and disappear and that makes sense given the behavior. I've been in just about every avpd forum that has been on the internet in the past dozen years. The bridge burning is a way of protection by avoiding people. It's very dangerous getting close to people because then they get information that can be used against you. Check out what happens in divorces. So what happens when you stat to get close? Slash and burn, cut and run. And if you do it right you alienate the other person so much that you don't even have the option of returning to the relationship.
I'm surprised I haven't come across you then. But then again, perhaps I have.
I've known I was AvPD for approx. 15 years now. I've had 2 professional diagnosis' of co-morbid Avoidant- first with the Schizoid prefix; 2nd time, Avoidant, with stress triggered Schizoid characteristics. But the bridge burning is a complex one for me.
My old Psych said I tested people- I intentionally behaved out in a way to test whether I could trust them. Now-a-days though, I'm much more likely to just cut and run or simply not maintain the relationship/friendship, until it phases out due to lack of effort on my part.
Nevertheless, I find burning bridges extremely hard. Or at least, I make it look like I've done it- I don't have contact, cut them form social media, etc and yet I will keep an eye on them- still check up their social media, ask mutual acquaintances about them.
Still now, people I haven't spoken to in over two or three decades and I will still check up on them. Same with family members I no longer speak to.
In some ways that does fit in with AvPD- it's the longing to be close to someone, but not being able to reach out. Not feeling as if the interaction would be welcomed.
 
Summerof76

Summerof76

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I have seen it over and over again in AvPD forums. Those forums usually dry up and disappear and that makes sense given the behavior. I've been in just about every avpd forum that has been on the internet in the past dozen years. The bridge burning is a way of protection by avoiding people. It's very dangerous getting close to people because then they get information that can be used against you. Check out what happens in divorces. So what happens when you stat to get close? Slash and burn, cut and run. And if you do it right you alienate the other person so much that you don't even have the option of returning to the relationship.
A strange way to view it, I know, but this is our Superpower. If someone is bad for us, we don't have a problem saying goodbye, where the average Joe would endure.
 
M

MHFPokeplantz

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Relating to a lot of posts here (maybe I really have it?? Likely)
 
Summerof76

Summerof76

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Relating to a lot of posts here (maybe I really have it?? Likely)
:)

AvPD can be a co-morbid personality disorder and also mistaken for a neurological disorder, such as Aspergers, so it is always sensible to be diagnosed professionally. But if you relate, then there's no harm in reading, learning, responding and questioning. We're all here to support each other at the end of the day
 
Argon

Argon

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I'm surprised I haven't come across you then. But then again, perhaps I have.
I've known I was AvPD for approx. 15 years now. I've had 2 professional diagnosis' of co-morbid Avoidant- first with the Schizoid prefix; 2nd time, Avoidant, with stress triggered Schizoid characteristics. But the bridge burning is a complex one for me.
My old Psych said I tested people- I intentionally behaved out in a way to test whether I could trust them. Now-a-days though, I'm much more likely to just cut and run or simply not maintain the relationship/friendship, until it phases out due to lack of effort on my part.
Nevertheless, I find burning bridges extremely hard. Or at least, I make it look like I've done it- I don't have contact, cut them form social media, etc and yet I will keep an eye on them- still check up their social media, ask mutual acquaintances about them.
Still now, people I haven't spoken to in over two or three decades and I will still check up on them. Same with family members I no longer speak to.
In some ways that does fit in with AvPD- it's the longing to be close to someone, but not being able to reach out. Not feeling as if the interaction would be welcomed.
I was radames on the MSN site now deleted. I was also avpdman after I was banned. I was Parador on a still barely active site before I got banned. I was scarpia on an SA site before I got banned. There were a couple of smaller avpd sites that I was on. I only remember avpd shipwreck. It died before I got banned! I usually get banned. Anti-psychiatry rubs people the wrong way. And people don't like hearing about my abusive past.
 
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