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Autism, Depression and Independence

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reedjos08

Guest
Insomnia is commonly defined as the inability to sleep or the inability to stay sleeping. I don’ think I’m an insomniac if I’m honest, the same way I was never conferrable saying I had depression. I think if anything I’m just troubled, I have issues, or to you the French term, I’m a little fucked up...

I could sit here and fill you in on everything that’s happened, the dropping out, the breakdowns, the disconnecting from friends, the kind people that have offered me guidance, the saddened ramblings. But instead I think I’ll pick up where I left off. Let me start by saying that I’ve neglected posting here, for someone that has always wanted to be read and enjoys writing, I’m not exactly great at keeping up with it.

I’m moving, that is probably the most important thing to say. In June I’ll be taking my things, putting them all in a box, into a truck, then out of that box in a whole new house, literally, a new plot that isn’t even done yet. So yeah, College didn’t work out, I dropped out unofficially. My friends left back in September, why shouldn’t I? A new beginning in Liverpool, the chance to start again, this is what I’ve wanted for three years right? Right?

I dropped out of Sixth Form, I failed my exams and couldn’t continue on, numerically and on paper I got nothing out of Sixth Form, but that’s not strictly true. I was taught things, I gathered information and used it to make points, I got a C in one exam, a U in the other, an overall U. That’s what hurt, that I put effort in, I tried my hardest, I did the work, I put the hours in, I sat in the room. I, I, I, I, I.

See a pattern? Five I’s, no we. We grow up under the shadow of adults, we dream of independence! Ice cream for breakfast, a car, a job, power and responsibility. I can’t remember ever dreaming of cooperation to meet my goals, we think independence is the goal post; now I know little about football, but I know it’s near impossible to reach those posts with a ball at your feet without some help.

I’m Autistic, I found out when I was twelve and I was scared. I don’t know if you guys have lived through that, if you have a family member who has, or a friend who has. Autism is not physical, you can’t see it in a scan, and you can’t prepare for it. I was thrown in like so many people with Autism, and for a while, I did well.

Throughout year seven, eight and nine I took the help I needed and that prepared me to pass most of my GCSE’s. At some point though, independence took hold, I rejected assistance because I could do it alone. I was able to pass my GCSEs by myself.

When I left GCSE education, I failed to complete the next step. I tried my hand at History, I took half measures and I half passed, but then there was Travel and Tourism. I mean no disrespect to the T and T industry, I’m happy you guys got where you wanted to be and you can now help others do the same! But Travel and Tourism wasn’t for me. I didn’t take Geography prior, I had no interest in the industry and little interest in the Business side of Travel and Tourism. So when it came to finishing it, I refused to even try. When my friend (let’s call him Chris, because that was his name) asked for help, he got it, he accepted it, and he finished the work. I was too far gone, I was never going to finish that work, I was months into a course I never even attempted, I wanted out.

He got a job, I took History again; by that I mean I let it repeat. I took film, Autism makes finding something fascinating easy, but it doesn’t do that to the work. I didn’t ask for support, not assistant, no one came into the room with me, no one was outside to ask how I was doing, and no one was there because I never even mentioned it. I crashed. I fell and I choose to stay there, flat on my face. Our legs cannot move forward down the path if our mind is focused on the road we have travelled.

I dropped out unofficially. My friends left back in September, why shouldn’t I? A new beginning in Liverpool, the chance to start again, this is what I’ve wanted for three years right? Right? No, I thought that’s what I wanted but in reality, all I wanted was an illusion, a fallacy to hide the truth. I dropped out because I was once again too far gone, too much work still not finished, the interest was bigger but that didn’t mean I was fated to win a fight with my own stubbornness. So I can’t sleep, I find myself starring at nothing, unable to move, I get angry, I get encumbered by my own thoughts. Autism makes you see the world differently, it’s a sad truth, but more than anything, it cannot be beaten, it is a constant curse and gift, but like anything that adds difficulty to an already difficult task, people with Autism need support, this is something I need to think about, then I need to reach for it.

I want to write, I want to tell tales of wonder and adventure but most importantly of life, of its struggles of its unfairness and of its joy. This is something I realized I wanted to do before any of this, but I never reached for it, I only ever reached for things on the way to it, I need to actually start focusing on the future, but I hope this is a good way to put a lid on the past. I said I don’t feel comfortable saying I suffer from depression, that’s because I think my feeling of sadness and woe is a symptom, not of a Chemical lack of dopamine or affects from a trauma or however else, but from the neglect of a difficulty modifier that I refused to think affected me; I won’t make that mistake again.
 
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Dinabandhu

New member
Joined
Mar 8, 2015
Messages
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My father torturing me
 
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reedjos08

Guest
I could never imagine your pain. Mine doesn't compare to yours, mine is white privilege bull crap compared to so much I've seen on this forum alone. I want to edit this to change one or two things,;I'm not happy with my conclusion on my depression. I mention what actually causes depression but I end it by accidentally trivialising it, that was not my intent and was wrong of me to write. Even if I did write this late at night with little sleep, that doesn't justify that it was narrow minded of me.

This forum has given me so much support over the last year than I can't put into words, I'm thankful for how it's helped my life and helped me get to these conclusions, but my case is one that while difficult, is trivial in the face of what others like yourself go through day after day and then have to live with, so I apologize if I offend you and I hope through making your account and sharing you can help share the pain with others so they can try to help :).
 
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