S
struggling32
New member
I am so so so confused. I don't want to leave. I want to stay committed. It's amazing when it's good. But she drives me absolutely insane with constant criticism about things that aren't quite real. Sometimes they are and I can apologise and learn and try to change. But so much of the time there is flawed logic and I can see how she's drawing these conclusions, but they really don't make sense, and then I feel a need to defend myself.
The info about being in a relationship with someone who has BPD suggests that I need to not take this personally and assume it isn't about me, and just validate whatever I can find that does make sense (like the emotion). But I don't seem to be able to do this well (although I try) because I get so triggered because it feels so unfair and I feel a need to explain my version of what's actually going on, and then she feels unheard and gets more angry and then I end up getting angry too.
Even when I can manage to do it for 10-20 minutes, she never seems to feel heard and be able to stop, she expects me to do something about it, like apologise, which I cannot do because I haven't done anything wrong. So eventually it still turns to fighting.
She thinks I'm gaslighting her by trying to make her think her reality is false. I'm just trying to help her see that whatever's actually happened isn't as bad as what she thinks. And I can see that this doesn't work and that it just makes her more angry and trust me less, but I don't know how to stop doing it because I find it so infuriating that she keeps attacking me over things that I haven't done. It's mostly just misunderstandings and projections.
Then if I try to take space to try to stop the fighting, she won't let me because she then feels abandoned. Occasionally these days she can handle giving me space for a bit, but usually it results in a panic attack/public scene if I try to take space when things aren't great between us, which is the time when I most need it.
We're both in therapy already and about to start couples therapy again. It wasn't useful last time because of cassandra complex stuff (the therapist couldn't see much of my part in the dynamic because I seemed so logical and reasonable and not obviously autistic (cos I can mask pretty well outside of my closest relationships), and focused totally on getting my partner to work on things, which just made them feel more gaslit and unsafe).
basically i want to keep working on myself and the relationship and so does she, but we're both totally exhausted by it and it feels impossible to really get anywhere.. any advice or empathy or what have you would be appreciated.
The info about being in a relationship with someone who has BPD suggests that I need to not take this personally and assume it isn't about me, and just validate whatever I can find that does make sense (like the emotion). But I don't seem to be able to do this well (although I try) because I get so triggered because it feels so unfair and I feel a need to explain my version of what's actually going on, and then she feels unheard and gets more angry and then I end up getting angry too.
Even when I can manage to do it for 10-20 minutes, she never seems to feel heard and be able to stop, she expects me to do something about it, like apologise, which I cannot do because I haven't done anything wrong. So eventually it still turns to fighting.
She thinks I'm gaslighting her by trying to make her think her reality is false. I'm just trying to help her see that whatever's actually happened isn't as bad as what she thinks. And I can see that this doesn't work and that it just makes her more angry and trust me less, but I don't know how to stop doing it because I find it so infuriating that she keeps attacking me over things that I haven't done. It's mostly just misunderstandings and projections.
Then if I try to take space to try to stop the fighting, she won't let me because she then feels abandoned. Occasionally these days she can handle giving me space for a bit, but usually it results in a panic attack/public scene if I try to take space when things aren't great between us, which is the time when I most need it.
We're both in therapy already and about to start couples therapy again. It wasn't useful last time because of cassandra complex stuff (the therapist couldn't see much of my part in the dynamic because I seemed so logical and reasonable and not obviously autistic (cos I can mask pretty well outside of my closest relationships), and focused totally on getting my partner to work on things, which just made them feel more gaslit and unsafe).
basically i want to keep working on myself and the relationship and so does she, but we're both totally exhausted by it and it feels impossible to really get anywhere.. any advice or empathy or what have you would be appreciated.