Attempted Conversation

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Lost_at_Sea

Member
Joined
Apr 15, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Toronto, Ontario
#1
After I posted last week on the intro forums and reading the feedback from everyone. I decided that I was going to have a conversation with my husband about my anxiety. Where it's stemming form, why it comes and goes, and my thoughts on how I/we could work on it together. (yet another warning, this is long, boy can I talk)

I've come to realize that my anxiety is mostly coming from my dealing (or actually not dealing) with the hurt that he caused when he chose to have an affair and create the worst summer of my life. Allow to preface all that I am about to say with, he did apologize, I did forgive him for the actual cheating part, he has worked hard in many areas to help me get through and regain trust, he has been patient and understanding with my incessant need to check up on him three years after the fact, until now.

He has voiced to me several times that he doesn't like constantly being watched, and I agree, I wouldn't either. So, I told him I'd work on it and to no avail, it hasn't change all that much on my end. So,I digress.

I tell him earlier this week what the issue is. "It's the not dealing with the emotions and hurt you caused. All of the mean words you said, things you did and the way you went about them." His response, "I said I was sorry, I understand your side, but you have to stop checking up on me. It is really pissing me off and it's going to turn me in to an angry person, and I don't want to be that"

First thought but did not say out loud, "well too bad, be angry, I'm not the one who screwed up, you are and you need to deal with it." Second thought, "What are you hiding now? What are you afraid I'll find?" Actual words said to him were "I want to work with you and you with me to help solve this issue." I got more angry huffs and puffs to which after 45 mins of talking (all over the phone because he works away) I finally yelled out "This is happening because you chose to sleep with someone else, you chose to bring them in to MY home, you chose to throw me to the curb like I was nothing, You chose to do things specifically to hurt me on purpose. YOU CHOSE TO HURT ME. I didn't ask for any of this and it's apparent that I didn't truly process all of these feels and you want to know why? BECAUSE THEY HURT TOO DAMN MUCH! You can either work with me on this and help me regain that trust and faith or you can chose to ignore me and let it get worse." His response was, dead silence on the other end.

I asked "Do you have any response" he says "To what?". While trying to keep my calm I said to everything I just said "to everything I just said!" To which he said "I didn't hear you, you were breaking up". Which I know was BS. So I slammed back at him and said "No, you put the phone down and walked away and came back when you didn't hear me talking any more because I was speaking the truth and we both know how well you deal with the truth when you're the one who is in the wrong. I guess I have my answer. I have to go." and hung up.

Ten minuets later I get a text message "I love you, always have always will". His attempt to make me "feel better", it didn't work. I texted back with "I love you too. I am upset and hung up because I felt ignored and felt that it doesn't matter how I feel and that you don't care how what you did has affected me and continues to affect me. I'm just supposed to move on." And he comes back with "I do care, I just have a hard time handling it and I'm sorry."

I didn't even bother responding to that, there's no sense in doing so. Getting no where going no where and knowing that in the end He doesn't care. In the end it's not if he doesn't it again, it's when. It's prepare yourself and start building up walls now. I took 10 mins to have my angry,depressed cry in the bathroom and then collected myself and started making dinner.

I haven't mentioned anything to him since, and I wont. I play along with his little games and carry on. I turned off "find my friends" on Facebook so i'm not tempted to look at it. I've quit asking, where you going, how long will you be, who is going with you, because I don't want to care about it anymore. I want to let it go and let it be and what happens will happen and when it does, perhaps I'll have the strength to face it.

Many have said to me, "why do you stay? leave his ass, he doesn't care." My response is: "I am well aware he is a narcissistic, lying, manipulative asshole. This is who he is. But that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve love, it doesn't mean he doesn't need someone to try to see past his flaws and find the real person. He is in fact a real person and he does have a heart of gold and he does know right from wrong. He does try, sometimes, but he still tries. I'm not one to just leave because it's too much. I want to stay and work on it and fix it. I want to persevere. I love him. I know he is my soulmate and my best friend and as much as there are times I want to throw in the towel, I don't give up. I don't know that I ever will. If that makes me a stupid, naive door mat than so be it. I know my truth.

I said all that to say this. Today, I woke up feeling sad, depressed and tired. Feeling like I've lost my best friend, truly. Feeling like a storm is coming and there's nothing I can do to prepare for it. I don't know what that storm is. Whether it's another affair, or something else, but I feel it in my gut and in my broken soul, something is coming, something big. It's just a matter of time before it hits the shore.
 
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Edinscotbrit

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2019
Messages
84
Location
Scotland
#2
Ultimately you haven`t gotten over this, and understandably so. That is on him.

Option would be to undergo counselling and see if that helps find a way through this.

Otherwise, I hate to say it , maybe it`s time to call it a day?
 
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pcoventry

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 20, 2019
Messages
68
Location
Newport S.Wales
#3
I've been stupid enough to get here twice, first time without knowledge- they second time after I promised myself I wouldn't get here again - time (5 years) sorted it before - I am not sure I have the time left to get over it this time - but I know where you come from and how you feel.

You just have to try to believe it will get better.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
3,083
Location
Milky Way
#4
to be honest and i dont know if this is right i might be missing sometyhing cause its late, but the impresson i'm getting is that he's bad for you :hug: