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Attachment Crap - I did it again

valleygirl

valleygirl

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I got attached. Again. To someone I shouldn't have. I started to develop feelings for a foster parent who brings two of her foster kids to the daycare where I work. She's pretty amazing, all she does for so many children. She is probably about 10 years older than me. About 2 months back she asked me if I would be open to doing some evening/weekend childcare for her and her husband, and I agreed. I will never forget that moment, because she flung her arms around me and hugged me and said, "Oh, I love you so much! I already did before, but I love you even more now." I've done quite a bit of childcare for her in her home, even driving children to visits with their parents in her fancy, hybrid SUV. There have been more hugs, too. But now I have gotten a job at a daycare much closer to home and I start Monday. I should be happy, but all I can think is that I am going to miss her SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH. I'll still do childcare for her, but now I won't see her every day. I am starting to think that when she says "I love you" to me, it means something entirely different to her than it means to me - me with all my screwed up attachment issues and aching to be loved my a motherly person. Now I am feeling that downward spiral of depression, and I feel helpless to do anything about it. I want to see her every day. I want to be able to tell her all the cute, funny, sweet things her little foster children say and do. I want to be able to say good morning to her every morning, and now I can't. But now it will take me 10 minutes to drive to work instead of 45 minutes.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Hi,
We all get attached, hopefully you can stay in touch. Well done for caring for children.
Here to listen.
Take care
 
valleygirl

valleygirl

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I was not going to do this again. I was doing just fine, a little lonely, but fine. I don't know why. I guess it could be that I was just noticing sweet and motherly she was with the 2 little boys she brings to the daycare and wished that someone would be like that with me. Then my boss told me that the foster mom was going to ask me about doing childcare, and told me she thinks I'm sweet and that she loves me. I am such a sucker for hearing those words. To hear that someone loves me is the most amazing thing in the world, and all rational thought goes right out the window.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Hi,
You do seem sweet, I'm not surprised you have got attached.
I'm glad someone was kind about you.
Hope everything works out okay.
Take care
 
valleygirl

valleygirl

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Hi,
We all get attached, hopefully you can stay in touch. Well done for caring for children.
Here to listen.
Take care

I get over-attached to the point where I obsess about the person and get clingy and want hugs all the time and need continual reassurance of their love for me, and I do things that people think are sweet and kind just so I can maybe hear the words "I love you" again and maybe have a sweet, comfortable, cozy, lingering hug. And then my feelings for that person get stronger and the crazy cycle continues. And then something unimaginable and unforeseeable happens and as much as I loved the person and idolized them, then I hate them for a terrible betrayal.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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I get over-attached to the point where I obsess about the person and get clingy and want hugs all the time and need continual reassurance of their love for me, and I do things that people think are sweet and kind just so I can maybe hear the words "I love you" again and maybe have a sweet, comfortable, cozy, lingering hug. And then my feelings for that person get stronger and the crazy cycle continues. And then something unimaginable and unforeseeable happens and as much as I loved the person and idolized them, then I hate them for a terrible betrayal.

Hi,
Have you had any therapy? Don't be too tough on yourself. You crave love and affection, you can't help that.
Here to listen.
Take care
 
valleygirl

valleygirl

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Yes, I have had therapy. It's made me more aware of what I am doing, but apparently still incapable of choosing not to go down that doomed path again. I also ended up with these same feelings for my therapist, and I told her so that she was aware of what was going on, and it was unbearably painful when therapy had to end.
Hi,
Have you had any therapy? Don't be too tough on yourself. You crave love and affection, you can't help that.
Here to listen.
Take care
 
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H

Helena1

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She is probably one of those people that tells people she loves them after one conversation.

Maybe you need to put in boundaries like not hugging and realising that when people say they love you in that sort of situation they don't.
 
static void

static void

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When people feel like this they usually experienced a loss of some kind. The loss of love from parents, the loss of a loved one, the loss of a good life etc...If that's the case for you, I think you need to mourn that loss, until you finally accept it. Until then all you can do is apply patches to your broken self, without getting at the root of the problem, which is the thing from where you should really start healing.
 
valleygirl

valleygirl

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Yeah, the loss was the loss of my mom. She didn't die or physically abandon me, but there was so much verbal/emotional abuse, and all I knew to do was cut myself off from her emotionally, to not need her. That I did as an adolescent without comprehending what I was doing. So there is this hole in my heart, this great big lonely hole that yearns to be loved. But I am so fucked up that I can't enter into a romantic relationship, because inside I am still that teenager whose mom said she wished I hadn't been born. So when someone tells me they love me, I want more than anything to believe it.

When people feel like this they usually experienced a loss of some kind. The loss of love from parents, the loss of a loved one, the loss of a good life etc...If that's the case for you, I think you need to mourn that loss, until you finally accept it. Until then all you can do is apply patches to your broken self, without getting at the root of the problem, which is the thing from where you should really start healing.
 
valleygirl

valleygirl

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I've talked about all the mom issues over and over again with different therapists, but therapy doesn't make that hole go away.
 
static void

static void

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Are you familiar with a tradition from Nigeria regarding the dead? They do this dance which is, well...something: they invite their ancestors into their bodies. And they dance as if they were them. You got young girls dancing like old men. You got boys dancing like grandmothers. And believe me, it is it is anything but sad.
They celebrate their loved ones, they think there's a time to be sad and a time honor them, that way they can really move on. I think you should conjure up the old spirits, I think that you should celebrate your mother whenever you need to. This way you'll focus less on the bad and more on the good.
I've lost people too, and I find bringing them up casually on a conversation to be helpful. The hole is diminishing in size.
 
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valleygirl

valleygirl

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I think this is double whammy. I feel like I just abandoned the children I have worked with for the past year. And I am going to miss them like crazy. I am going to miss the almost 2-year-old who gets so excited when I bring out my circle time bag that she shouts, "Yay! Circle time," and gets all the other children running to circle time. I'm going to miss the little guy who came running to me with his adorable toddler run and arms outstretched for me to pick him up and hug him. I'm going to miss the way his eyes lit up when I sang silly songs to him while he waited impatiently for his lunch in his highchair. I'm going to miss the little guy who got mixed up with staff names (Alona, Alana, Fiona) and called me Felona instead of Fiona. He also calls dandelions dandiflowers. I'm going to miss the little guy who has issues with biting and pinching and scratching right now, because he also has such a cute sense of humour and loves to be scared when I sneak up behind him and say, "Boo!" He's got this funny, throaty little chuckle. I'm going to miss the little guy with some developmental delays, who started responding positively and connecting after a few weeks of me singing to him. I sang to him while changing his diaper, washing his hands, and whenever he was sad. It's the only thing that he seems to connect with, and the other staff don't do that with him. My attachment issues extend to these children, too, and I feel like I am abandoning them, and I am truly going to miss them, and I'm just feeling sad about a lot of stuff right now.
 
H

hd1983

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I completely get your pain. I too experience horrendous attachment issues and when that said person moves on from your life, it’s like having your heart ripped out, I get it. I haven’t found a way to deal with this effectively and a lot of it stems from childhood issues. I have started therapy to try and figure out these issues but this same issue has occurred with my therapist and I’m afraid to tell them in case they terminate or change the way they are with me in sessions. It really sucks. When I say attachment, the side effects are awful, constantly thinking about that person all the time, tweaking my plans so I’m doing my necessary things in an area where I might bump into them, checking them out online, it’s so hard.
I can’t help you too much as I don’t have the answers, but I can tell you that you aren’t alone in this and if you want someone to talk to and be honest about stuff, I’m happy to listen x
 
valleygirl

valleygirl

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I can tell that you do get it. It is hell. I still want to believe that this woman really did mean it when she said that she loves me. But then I think that maybe she just said it because of what I do for her. But her exact words were "Oh, I love you so much! I already did, but now I love you even more." I was in seventh heaven. I was so stunned that I couldn't respond. And before she said it to me, she told my boss that she loves me. I wasn't even at that point where I was even imagining she might even hug me. So you probably understand what a big deal it was that she hugged me and said she loves me completely of her own volition.

After that first hug she really backed off, no touching my arm or anything like that, because I am pretty sure she saw whatever my reaction looked like and thought maybe I wasn't the hugging type and that maybe she had been too impulsive.

I just think and think and think and overthink these things to absolute freaking death and I have a hard time separating my thoughts from reality.
I completely get your pain. I too experience horrendous attachment issues and when that said person moves on from your life, it’s like having your heart ripped out, I get it. I haven’t found a way to deal with this effectively and a lot of it stems from childhood issues. I have started therapy to try and figure out these issues but this same issue has occurred with my therapist and I’m afraid to tell them in case they terminate or change the way they are with me in sessions. It really sucks. When I say attachment, the side effects are awful, constantly thinking about that person all the time, tweaking my plans so I’m doing my necessary things in an area where I might bump into them, checking them out online, it’s so hard.
I can’t help you too much as I don’t have the answers, but I can tell you that you aren’t alone in this and if you want someone to talk to and be honest about stuff, I’m happy to listen x
 
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