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Attachement Issues? Please help me someone!

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sarah_louise1986

New member
Joined
Jun 30, 2009
Messages
1
Sorry this is a bit long, please bear with me!
I was recently dating this guy who was younger than me, we were quite good together, were happy, he was so lovely.

Now i broke up with him, as i was just a bit worried about my feelings for him, but i soon realised i made a mistake. I tried talking to him several times, and he told me he missed me etc but couldnt get back together again, but there was no reason why really, he said he wouldnt be in a relationship for a long time etc, we would stay mates and become close etc.

Now i havent spoken to him since and that was 4 months ago.

The guy i was with had some issues, that he never really talked about, his father committed suicide before he was born and his mother abandoned him when he was a baby/or very young as she was a heroin addict. His mum writes to him from prison but he just rips the letters straight up but when we were together, he talked about wanting to go see her. He wondered what his dad looked like and if he looked like him. I believe he has attachment issues. He hates confrontation and won't talk to anyone about anything, he would rather just stick his head in the sand and never speak to that person again rather than say having an argument or talking through it. When i see him now he avoids and even goes to the extreme of hiding from me.

I have spoken to one of his friends and he has had a lot of girlfriends, only lasting several months and once it goes wrong or they break up, thats it, he wont speak to them again, he will avoid them and hide from them and literally remove them from his life.

I know he hardly ever sleeps and he told me has night terrors. He is quite shy, but doesnt really show it, has a low opinion of himself, thinks he is fat, thinks he isn't good enough.

I think alot of the girls he goes out with are younger than him, but i am 23, and i can see that something is not right, he is a lovely guy but behaves in such a horrid, uncaring way. While i was with him, his friend was in hospital with cancer, and he didnt go and see him, but now he is recovered he is a friendly with him again. I wonder if his friends can see any of this, and if they do, why are they not saying anything to him? Or is he pretending to be someone else with them?

I cannot, not matter how hard i try get this out of my head, we live sort of near each other, so its hard to not see him and think about it, and i care about him, is there anything i can do to help, its obvious he doesnt think he is doing anything wrong or behaving unnormally. Its not an issue of moving on, its an issue that i want to be able to do something to help, because i care about him and i dont want it to affect his whole life, i dont want him to end up alone, alientating those that care about him.

I know he drinks alot when he gets down and he even smokes weed, i presume this is some sort of way of not thinking about anything.

If i thought he was some sort of player and he just went from girl to girl, i would have given up him, but i know deep down that is not it, so i cannot think badly of him, no matter how much he pushes me away, or is horrible. Please can someone give me some sort of advice. Thanks. He is 20 by the way!

A more recent problem that i have heard is that he recently received alot of threatening text messages, which for some reason i got the blame for even though he knows it can't of been me, me and mother both said something to him regarding this and now he avoids us both?
He seems to hate me, but i can see past all that, and see that he must be really hurt inside. I am banging my head against the wall.. what could i possibly do, he wont talk to me, i dont know the lady that brings him up, i dont really know any of his friends to speak to.. is there anyway i can act or behave around him that eventually he might trust me, even though we are not even speaking at all..

Any advice would be well appreciated..

Thanks Sarah x
 
thebubbles22

thebubbles22

Active member
Joined
Jul 5, 2009
Messages
34
Location
Dorset, UK
Hi Sarah,

I'm guessing from the section that you posted this is you or your friend has a personality disorder.

It sounds like he has a lot of trouble with interpersonal relationships, probably due to having no father and lack of his mother being around. I'd say that you are right about attatchment issues.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and one of the many symptoms is the kind of "I hate you, Don't leave me".. Hot and cold, you know? One minute you want to be surrounded by anyone and everyone, the next you think if you ever see a single person again it'll be too soon.

I'm not entirely sure what to suggest, as I still haven't worked out how to deal with my own issues with that, but maybe send him e-mails or letters or do something sentimental for him to show that you honestly do care for him and that you are always there for him no matter what and that you really want to help. It's the little things that count. Maybe sometime soon he may reach out to you for comfort, but I'd suggest not to bombard him with questions as to why he acted the way he did straight away. Give him time and hopefully he'll be able to explain to you or apologise or whatever.

I hope this makes sense!

Love and Hugs

Bubbles
x x x
 
I

Ian1956

Active member
Joined
Aug 23, 2010
Messages
27
I do this stuff too, I avoid certain people. Its just easier for me to not have to deal with them anymore. Rejection is a huge issue for me.
 
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