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At my wits end

B

BlackWidow

New member
Joined
Apr 26, 2021
Messages
3
Location
Ontario, Canada
My husband was killed at work in 2015.

My doctor told me at the time that if anyone would have PSTD it would be me. (my husband and I were some of his first patients)

I did a test online after the first trial was cancelled and scored a 40, where 44 is the magic number but 40 can mean PTSD.

After the second trial was cancelled, a month before it was scheduled to start, I did the test again. I scored a 68.

For 3 years I have been struggling trying to get better and all the time they have been sabotaging me.

I have potentially another year of this before I get the court documents and the coroner inquest is complete. At which time I will be around my husband's age when he was killed.

Add the fact I had the same feeling the last time I seen my husband was the same as the last time I seen my grandfather before he died. Even one of our dogs knew something wasn't right.

Lately I have been struggling with the idea of getting a confirmation.

Now if I have to see my family doctor first that won't happen. He lost his 18 yo daughter last summer. So I don't want to trigger him.

And what happens if I get confirmation? It won't change anything other than I will actually know for sure.

I am done trying to get better and am now just trying to get through each day.
I am lucky I live in the country so I can avoid my biggest trigger - people.

That is my new goal, to spend the rest of my days in relative solitude away from triggers where I can concentrate on my critters.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
7,754
Location
Nashua NH
My husband was killed at work in 2015.

My doctor told me at the time that if anyone would have PSTD it would be me. (my husband and I were some of his first patients)

I did a test online after the first trial was cancelled and scored a 40, where 44 is the magic number but 40 can mean PTSD.

After the second trial was cancelled, a month before it was scheduled to start, I did the test again. I scored a 68.

For 3 years I have been struggling trying to get better and all the time they have been sabotaging me.

I have potentially another year of this before I get the court documents and the coroner inquest is complete. At which time I will be around my husband's age when he was killed.

Add the fact I had the same feeling the last time I seen my husband was the same as the last time I seen my grandfather before he died. Even one of our dogs knew something wasn't right.

Lately I have been struggling with the idea of getting a confirmation.

Now if I have to see my family doctor first that won't happen. He lost his 18 yo daughter last summer. So I don't want to trigger him.

And what happens if I get confirmation? It won't change anything other than I will actually know for sure.

I am done trying to get better and am now just trying to get through each day.
I am lucky I live in the country so I can avoid my biggest trigger - people.

That is my new goal, to spend the rest of my days in relative solitude away from triggers where I can concentrate on my critters.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I hope you will be able to find something to help you in your trauma, grief and struggles. Welcome to the forums. xo, j
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
619
Location
US
God, I am so sorry for what you've been through. That is a lot. The legal system to deal with on top of the loss, I'm sorry. Totally understand you wanting to get away from people, that's why I moved a bit away from the city. It can offer peace of mind, but it can also cut us off from potential help and isolate us, get us stuck in our heads. I hope you find peace in it and can keep reaching out online at least, like in this forum, to people who can at least listen and offer some comfort.

I hope you get some form of "justice" for it at a minimum, and soon. The waiting is horrible, hoping for some sense of justice. But the loss is still there. Lost a family member to murder, fortunately his killer got life, I was able to let him know what he did to our family, how he tore so many lives apart by taking someone from us who was just a child, and my question will always remain "Why?" but there is no answer from him. He's a piece of shit who continues to live after taking away someone so young and for no reason, there are no answers. It's amazing how one person's actions can tear apart so many lives. And "justice" doesn't feel like justice, he is on FB and everything, still living his life, albeit in prison.

Professional help can be key. Even a priest or rabbi or whatever you are drawn to. I know my priest said just 3 sentences to me about a friend I lost to suicide and it took this weight off of my shoulders that felt like a literal weight being lifted, it was amazing. Sometimes secluding yourself too much will cut you off from those words that can help lift the weight and anger and pain, but I get that your loss was far harder than mine, so you def need time and to get through the trial, which is so painful and stressful. I will pray for you, you deserve peace.
 
B

BlackWidow

New member
Joined
Apr 26, 2021
Messages
3
Location
Ontario, Canada
God, I am so sorry for what you've been through. That is a lot. The legal system to deal with on top of the loss, I'm sorry. Totally understand you wanting to get away from people, that's why I moved a bit away from the city. It can offer peace of mind, but it can also cut us off from potential help and isolate us, get us stuck in our heads. I hope you find peace in it and can keep reaching out online at least, like in this forum, to people who can at least listen and offer some comfort.

I hope you get some form of "justice" for it at a minimum, and soon. The waiting is horrible, hoping for some sense of justice. But the loss is still there. Lost a family member to murder, fortunately his killer got life, I was able to let him know what he did to our family, how he tore so many lives apart by taking someone from us who was just a child, and my question will always remain "Why?" but there is no answer from him. He's a piece of shit who continues to live after taking away someone so young and for no reason, there are no answers. It's amazing how one person's actions can tear apart so many lives. And "justice" doesn't feel like justice, he is on FB and everything, still living his life, albeit in prison.

Professional help can be key. Even a priest or rabbi or whatever you are drawn to. I know my priest said just 3 sentences to me about a friend I lost to suicide and it took this weight off of my shoulders that felt like a literal weight being lifted, it was amazing. Sometimes secluding yourself too much will cut you off from those words that can help lift the weight and anger and pain, but I get that your loss was far harder than mine, so you def need time and to get through the trial, which is so painful and stressful. I will pray for you, you deserve peace.
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain of loosing someone to murder, especially a child.

I can't believe the murderer gets facebook in prison. Such a BS system.

I have been trying for 6 years, this year I decided to stop. Especially since I feel like I am going backwards.

I do have close neighbours who are friends and family near me. I just need a break from triggers. (I am finally just getting off the couch after over a month)
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
619
Location
US
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain of loosing someone to murder, especially a child.

I can't believe the murderer gets facebook in prison. Such a BS system.

I have been trying for 6 years, this year I decided to stop. Especially since I feel like I am going backwards.

I do have close neighbours who are friends and family near me. I just need a break from triggers. (I am finally just getting off the couch after over a month)
Good for you!!! And so happy to hear you have support. You sound like a very strong person to be going through all this and keep on going, which is what we have to do. Steer clear of triggers, yes. Good move :)
 
B

BlackWidow

New member
Joined
Apr 26, 2021
Messages
3
Location
Ontario, Canada
Thanks.
Last month was rough.
Between this is the time time of year it all happened and my dog was in her first heat and was going out every few hours, I slept on the couch for the dog, and I am having hot flashes and have a shoulder that has been painful for over a month, I am amazed I am not medicated or haven't been hauled off anywhere.

Seriously, how did I not break yet? A month of no sleep, hot flashes, a dog peeing inside and outside the house is just the icing on the cake.

He started at the company on April 1, 2015 and the last trial that was just cancelled was scheduled for April 10, 2021.
June 3 will be the anniversary of his death, which is a couple days after our son's birthday and the anniversary of the memorial is our daughter's birthday.

Triggers are all around me at the moment and I just came through the worst episode ever. Yet somehow, I am still standing.
 
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