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At my lowest point (so far)

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porcupine123

New member
Joined
Oct 11, 2019
Messages
4
Location
Coventry
I will try to organise this venting as best I can but you can only expect so much from someone like me. I will be briefly going over my "trauma" from the late 2000s to the present day :) I hope this is entertaining and maybe even funny, but I am rarely the one making people laugh so I doubt it.
2000 I was born, next came primary school where I fit in quite well. Secondary school much less: I was bullied for my appearance (I am short and very ugly) and my personality (I am shy, very sensitive and not very bright). My appearance was easy for bullies to latch onto, from which they could get some laughs from the rest of the class. My sensitivity, shyness and lack of intelligence meant that they were basically beating a fish in a barrel. I cried very easily which was embarrassing because boys aren't meant to cry, I was shy so I never wanted to cause a comotion (I'd much rather disappear into the ground) and I am not the brightest person despite how I may write or speak so I was not the best at coming up with comebacks to stand up for myself. So in effect I let bullies walk all over me because I did not know how to respond and I probably wasn't in a position to respond (because I was crying into my arms). I was often excluded from groups that my friends were included in, because I was "too short", not funny, didn't share any of their interests, wasn't cool enough etc.

How has this effected me now? Surely I could have gotten over some petty name calling in 2013 and developed into a self respecting adult who knows his worth? Nope. To summarise I have 0 self esteem and I hate myself :) How do I act? If you were to pass me in the street hopefully you wouldn't notice me but if you did you would see someone staring at the ground walking very fast to get away from all the other people around him. In lectures I keep myself to myself, I find that other groups of student (who have already made friends because they are normal) form a cordon sanitaire around me (because I am disgusting). Why don't I introduce myself to them to try to make friends? Nobody would want to talk to me because I am boring, I have nothing in common with anyone really. I have a strange sense of humour that very few people have and say stupid things to try to be funny. I also have trouble thinking of things to say in order to make conversation. I also feel incredibly scared of talking to new people, so I find that the risk/reward is not worth it since I probably won't make a friend and will most likely make myself look like a stupid idiot. I am also visually revolting, I look like Bubbles (note the glasses) from Trailer Park Boys (great show) just 30 years younger and less masculine.

What problems do I cause myself? I am lonely due to my own grave incompetence. I hate myself because of my extraordinary incompetence. I am useless because I am incompetent and do not know how to perform simple things like making friends or talking to people like everyone else. The friends that I do have will probably forget about me since I am scared to talk to them because I am terrible at conversation. I do not want to get help because I do not see myself as having a serious problem (like anxiety, depression, BPD etc). I am not oppressed, I am not a victim of rape and I have a loving family. The problems that I have are my own making and like any responsible adult surely it is my own responsibility to solve them. I feel like I would just be placing unnecessary strain on the NHS if I were to seek help through them about my sadness and feeings of loneliness, frustrations and worthlessness. It might be better if I were to fade away and die.

One of my favourite artists of all time is Nick Drake. I relate to him a lot, he was a very troubled individual who could never find solace within himself and he died by suicide. Like myself, he craved intimate relationships yet struggled greatly to form them to his satisfaction. I feel that I may be like him, I do not see a solution to my problems since they are problems not caused by chemical imbalances that can be remedied with pills, nor are they behavioural problems where I rely on toxic relationships. They are problems with my appearance, with my personality. Pills or a therapist cannot make me more interesting, or give me the drive to go and do things to make myself more interesting. They can't make me more intelligent, more confident and successful. They can't make me better at making lasting and happy friendships and relationships with people. They cannot make me like other people so that I can fit in much better. They cannot make me stop making myself look like an idiot both in the things that I say and the way that I look. I feel that I am lost, not knowing whether to reach out or to sit tight and wait out the storm. Sometimes I feel better and sometimes I feel worse (life is a cycle of ups and downs right?) I hope this was entertaining, I will probably regret writing this but I already hate myself too much to care so whatever. peace
 
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hicks

hicks

Well-known member
Joined
May 14, 2019
Messages
899
Location
In a galaxy, far far away..
Hi and welcome to this site. Sorry to hear you are at a low point. I feel your pain. Let me start by saying I have a lot in common with you. I'm useless at conversation, I can't really make anyone laugh and my life is pretty boring. I don't have any real friends. I'm quiet and extremely self conscious, and that has been a curse to me all my life. My university time was a miserable existence, because I just didn't fit in.

Despite your opinion of yourself, I do believe you are intelligent. You have an eloquent writing style, and I presume you're in higher education? (you mention lectures) Nobody gets there if they don't possess a higher than average intelligence.

I'm not really qualified to advise you properly, and you've raised a lot of issues here which are difficult to address on this forum, but I think you should consider seeing a therapist/counsellor. No they can't make you more interesting, or better looking, but through talking about your problems, they can likely improve your confidence and self esteem. Talking, or even typing as you've done here, can be very beneficial.

What I would say is that everyone has positive things about them. Use your skills to your advantage. Play to your strengths. Don't try to change yourself into something that you can't be.
 
Prince Charming

Prince Charming

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 29, 2019
Messages
129
Location
Milton Keynes
Hi porcupine123 :welcome: to the forum.There are 2 sorts of people in this world some will delight in bringing you down some will help and support you.Please try to be kinder to yourself try to love your self It is a secret of happiness Perhaps a visit to your doctors could be a good idea he maybe able to help you without giving you any medication Good Luck to you.:havingfun:
 
calypso

calypso

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Admin
Moderator
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Jan 5, 2011
Messages
43,510
Location
Lancashire
Hiya. Bullying is so destructive and can have life long effects. Why we don't take it more seriously in school I don't know.

A few things - firstly, I bet you aren't ugly!! YOu just feel that way at the moment and can't find a way past that. Secondly, you are wrong about therapy. It can help with everything you say it can't do. Its not just about looking at the past its about showing you different techniques to help you surmount your problems. It could help you immeasurably I think. Its worth looking into a good therapist for you.

Obviously, I can't diagnose! But you do sound quite depressed and I would suggest that you consider seeing a GP to see if there is anything they can offer to help you. YOu say you are not clever, yet you are clearly a highly articulate and informative person so I would challenge that. There was probably someone better than you at subjects (there always is!) but that doesn't mean you are stupid.

I used to be the shy person hiding in the corner at parties. I didn't know how to interact with others so eventually I just watched what others did and copied them. I would ask questions of others and most people love to talk about themselves. I would answer their questions quite generally unless it was something I really cared about. I would cultivate interests so I had something to say too. I had to learn all this the hard way, but it paid off. I'm still a little awkward but I can now hold my own.
 
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Helena1

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
Oct 11, 2014
Messages
10,047
Location
UK
You should get help. Loads of peoples health issues are at least in part self inflicted, either by bad lifestyle choices or making stupid decisions. My gran ripped the top of her finger off last week as she decided to go to the loo without switching the light on and fell over. No one would say she should go about with her bone exposed and in pain for the rest of her life to her own silly decision would they?

I would make an appt with your GP and print out this post or something similar and take it with you incase you cant articulate how you feel in the moment.
 
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porcupine123

New member
Joined
Oct 11, 2019
Messages
4
Location
Coventry
Hi and welcome to this site. Sorry to hear you are at a low point. I feel your pain. Let me start by saying I have a lot in common with you. I'm useless at conversation, I can't really make anyone laugh and my life is pretty boring. I don't have any real friends. I'm quiet and extremely self conscious, and that has been a curse to me all my life. My university time was a miserable existence, because I just didn't fit in.

Despite your opinion of yourself, I do believe you are intelligent. You have an eloquent writing style, and I presume you're in higher education? (you mention lectures) Nobody gets there if they don't possess a higher than average intelligence.

I'm not really qualified to advise you properly, and you've raised a lot of issues here which are difficult to address on this forum, but I think you should consider seeing a therapist/counsellor. No they can't make you more interesting, or better looking, but through talking about your problems, they can likely improve your confidence and self esteem. Talking, or even typing as you've done here, can be very beneficial.

What I would say is that everyone has positive things about them. Use your skills to your advantage. Play to your strengths. Don't try to change yourself into something that you can't be.
Thank you for your reply. Yes it does sound like we have a lot in common, how are you doing?
I do like to write in a that way, I think it might be a reflection of how much I read since historians tend to write quite eloquently. But I believe it to be a sort of facade much like many other things in my life. Yes I am in higher education but I attribute this mostly to my capacity for hard work depending on the circumstances, rather than to myself posessing a higher level of intelligence than the average student my age. I also happen to have a passion for history (the subject I am studying) so naturally I will have exposed myself to more history than others and therefore will have a better base of knowledge than most. Basically when I am threatened with disappointing myself, my teachers and my family by failing I will spend enormous amounts of time studying to make sure that I pass. I think that I studied much more than the average student and in ways which most likely were not the most efficient. But this fear is really unfounded because my family would never scorn me for doing badly at school or in university and they are very supportive.
I'm really not sure what I would talk to a therapist about. I wouldn't like to talk at them for hours and hours because I would easily lose my train and wouldn't make much sense. I am also scared of bringing up what I believe to be the causes of my problems because I think that many of them are silly little things.

I know the positive things about myself I think. I am empathetic, I try to be understanding and kind, I virtually never do things for my own gain at the expense of others, I honestly do try to conduct myself in a way which reduces any inconvenience or trouble that I might ever cause to somebody (which is in part why I isolate myself from others since I can't cause them problems if I am in no way connected to them).
 
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porcupine123

New member
Joined
Oct 11, 2019
Messages
4
Location
Coventry
Hiya. Bullying is so destructive and can have life long effects. Why we don't take it more seriously in school I don't know.

A few things - firstly, I bet you aren't ugly!! YOu just feel that way at the moment and can't find a way past that. Secondly, you are wrong about therapy. It can help with everything you say it can't do. Its not just about looking at the past its about showing you different techniques to help you surmount your problems. It could help you immeasurably I think. Its worth looking into a good therapist for you.

Obviously, I can't diagnose! But you do sound quite depressed and I would suggest that you consider seeing a GP to see if there is anything they can offer to help you. YOu say you are not clever, yet you are clearly a highly articulate and informative person so I would challenge that. There was probably someone better than you at subjects (there always is!) but that doesn't mean you are stupid.

I used to be the shy person hiding in the corner at parties. I didn't know how to interact with others so eventually I just watched what others did and copied them. I would ask questions of others and most people love to talk about themselves. I would answer their questions quite generally unless it was something I really cared about. I would cultivate interests so I had something to say too. I had to learn all this the hard way, but it paid off. I'm still a little awkward but I can now hold my own.
My male friends and parents always comment on how I'm handsome etc. I honestly think I feel so ugly because I have never received the attention that my attractive friends get from the opposite sex. My friends have had interest shown in them from girls but I have never had that, not a single compliment ever as far as I can remember. I understand why, I look peculiar both in terms of just my face and how my body looks overall (I am short and so clothes don't fit me as well as they would fit my taller friends). I honestly believe that there doesn't exist a woman who could look at me and think "he is attractive". Instead I just believe that I'm horribly ugly and that's why my multiple attempts at dating, both in real life and using things like tinder, have gone awry. Now I feel like I have this duty to hide myself from the rest of the world who are all much more beautiful than I am and it's quite exhausting really. It's hard to describe, but looking at someone in the face almost always makes me feel nervous at least, sometimes it makes me feel sick because I know that they can see my horrid face and they are probably disgusted by it.
I find it hard deciding whether to get help. I feel like all of my problems stem from my inability to lead a good life. If I were like the majority of people I would be able to move past the fact that I look odd, or that I am weird and don't belong anywhere. I feel like my happiness is my responsibility and mine alone, I cannot expect others to make my hapiness for me.
 
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sallimae76

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 18, 2019
Messages
464
Location
USA
Hello,

I love ugly people with weird senses of humor. I am a stocky unattractive girl myself. The inside is what is more important to me. I would be your friend in a heartbeat.
 
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Freckles1968

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2019
Messages
101
Location
Norwich
You sound like a lovely person to me, from your posts. I’m sure there are lots of girls out there who would appreciate you! All the best, freckles xx
 
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