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At a loss

C

cantcope

New member
Joined
Jan 11, 2019
Messages
2
Location
London
#1
Hi I am new here and I joined because nothing seems to have worked and I don't know what to do next. I'll sort of tell you my story I guess:

So basically I have a huge set of interconnected anxieties about anything and everything you can think of since I was a child e.g. work, health, sexual performance, relationships, safety, sleep, death etc. They all interfere with each other e.g. lack of sleep = tired = less work done = rubbish food to save time = poor health = death. I often find that working on one issue never works because the other issues will intervene. E.g. If I try to work on sleep, all the other anxieties will cause me to lose sleep anyway. Keeping schedules and good habits is extremely challenging when I'm exhausted from sleep deprivation all the time etc. But then trying to work on all issues at once can become overwhelming when I need to be able to focus on my PhD work. All of this affected my mood so I'm basically never happy.

I've done various forms of therapy (from ages 23-30) and none of them have really helped that much. In fact things seem to get steadily worse and new fears are always creeping in. For example, sexual performance anxiety and ED now occurs in sex with other people, AND by myself.

CBT didn't really work for me because I always found there was too much evidence to support my fears and the worst case scenario is something that I really should be concerned about. For example, for me it is evident and realistic that ED = dumping/rejection = emotional pain = everything else suffers. Or poor sleep = exhausted = life suffers = health suffers. Challenging things like that just seems like lying to yourself. Plus I found it really difficult to stick to all the homework after therapy finished.

Mindfulness has been one of the most helpful things I have done on and off for the whole time. But I find it really difficult to keep up the habit every day when my life is so chaotic and disorganized, plus I'd often fall asleep during it which kinda rendered it useless because the whole point is to be focused so you can train your mind.

I did councelling a couple of times (6 sessions each) and now I have been in psychoanalytic psychotherapy twice a week for over a year. Whilst this has been extremely useful in identifying the roots of many of my problems within my childhood, I'm still at a loss regarding what to do about it. E.g. I had like a very angry and unpredictable mum, some physical education (bit extreme on one occasion), parents' bitter divorce, bullied throughout school, racism etc. I understand how that has lead to my anxiety now. But I have no actionable steps to deal with it.

So yeah sorry about how long this is but I just wanted to get it all out there. I'm still going to be in psychoanalytic psychotherapy for another year. But I feel like I need to do something else because the help I'm getting isn't catching up with my anxiety if that makes sense. I'm worried about medication because everyone I've known who has tried it has had very bad reactions to it, e.g. making explicit plans to commit suicide and things like that. Or it just makes everything worse generally. I'm open to suggestions thought if there are any safer options. I vape CBD when it gets bad and I have tried things like valerian and passion flower extract but they aren't really long term solutions. It just seems like nothing I do works, or it's nearly impossible to manage. I'm gonna give mindfulness another go definitely though. Any ideas?

By the way my official diagnosis is generalized anxiety disorder and low-mood. That was a while ago now and I suspect I also have depression. Not sure though.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,349
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
#2
Hi cantcope and :welcome: to the Forum. I know what you mean; you figure out all the childhood programming and then what do you do with that information ?? It still gets triggered and interferes with one's current life. It's like a foundation for a building; it's always the foundation. You can redo the exterior of the building but the foundation can't be altered.

After many years, the foundation is still there but I've learned to ignore it to some extent. It's the gradual wearing down of the program over time and this process can't be hurried. The mindfulness works because it puts you in the here and now, leaving the programming as background noise.
 
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C

cantcope

New member
Joined
Jan 11, 2019
Messages
2
Location
London
#3
Hi thanks for replying and glad you can relate to my problem. Did you ever struggle keeping the habit of doing mindfulness everyday? I'd often go for a few weeks doing it every day but I would always eventually fall out of it. Then eventually I'll try again, and repeat. I think when my schedule gets disorganized and I get sleep deprived its hard to be motivated to do it if I know I'll just fall asleep during. Plus if I wake up late because of my sleep pattern and I gotta run out the door for a busy day, I'll normally forget about it. I was using Headspace. Do you have any tips or advice on how to stick to it? I'm guessing you've been doing it a while.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,349
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
#4
I really can't take credit for where I'm at now. It wasn't the application of mindfulness. It is just coming with age.

I was given a mantra to use all day but I haven't succeeded at doing this.