At a loss - Not sure what else to try to help depression

[heavystressor]

So I've been suffering from mental health issues for a while and im sort of at a loss. I have a few issues that Im struggling with

1. I have pretty severe but varying depression and I was diagnosed with dysthymia. I often think of killing myself and how I would do it but I feel confident that I would never act on it. I had a bad episode a few months ago that prompted me to start therapy again. I can't say I've had a particularly difficult life and I struggle with the idea of being depressed because I feel like I have no reason to be depressed. I do this despite knowing that its an imbalance but I can't help it.
2. I work in a creative industry and have little to no creative drive until im in the thick of a project that determines my livelihood. Independently, I am rarely artistically motivated which is something that has grown more problematic within the last few years. Overall I feel indifferent to almost everything. This leads to some pretty heavy self destructive thinking because I see colleagues becoming better and better as I remain stale.
3. I have an incredibly hard time focusing. Even writing this, I'm thinking about a million other things. My mind feels like its in a haze and I constantly forget things. I have a hard time completing tasks and its fucking up my career, my relationship and life overall.
4. Occasionally I tend to fixate on one thing - can go hours without drinking water, eating etc - psychiatrist described it as a manic episode but not sure I agree

I have tried so many things to try and deal with these issues so ill just go through what I've tried and maybe someone can recommend something.

Physical Activities

• Tried running in the mornings (stopped doing because of weather)
• meditation (inconsistent on this)
• yoga (inconsistent on this)

Lifestyle Changes

• improved sleeping habits (recently got worse)
• Therapy bi weekly (last 4-5 months)
• psychiatrist monthly (last 3 months)
• Trying to learn a language (failing miserably)

Dietary Changes

• Mostly Vegetarian diet- only occasionally eating fish
• Gluten free for celiac
• way less drinking - used to be a few 6 packs a week. Now about one or two 6 packs a month
• Improved eating overall - lost about 25lbs in a few months
• Multivitamins

Medicinal approaches (self prescribed)

• Nootropics
• Kratom
• Mushrooms (this was the best performer but didnt try it long enough because I ran out)

Medicinal Approaches (psychiatrist prescribed)

• Buproprion XL (low dose then increased dosage - felt absolutely nothing)
• Adderall ( was concerned about taking it regularly)
• Pristiq (about 3 months in - not feeling very different)
• Concerta 18mg ( few weeks in - same)
• 15mg L-Methylfolate ( yeh nothin)

So these are all things I've tried over the last few years and I really haven't found anything that helps much or that I notice offers much improvement so I'm just frustrated. I'm not really sure what to do. I'm pretty tired of feeling like this and I really don't know whats wrong with me so just wondering if anyone out there could recommend anything or offer any suggestions. I appreciate any help.

 

[Tawny]

There is a lot of acceptance that I have had to do. Medication. Lower expectations. Finding joy in small things. Accepting I may not be able to do all I want to do due to my mental disability.

 

[Tawny]

You have not tried a basic ssri? Fluoxetine, Citalopram etc? They seem to be the starting point here in uk

 

[heavystressor]

You have not tried a basic ssri? Fluoxetine, Citalopram etc? They seem to be the starting point here in uk

I started on Bupropion/wellbutrin which is an SSRI. I was on it for about 4-5 months and felt absolutely no difference. Now I am on Pristiq which is an SNRI

 

[sunset547544]

Your symptoms sound a lot like mine, I hope you find something that helps soon.

 

[heavystressor]

Your symptoms sound a lot like mine, I hope you find something that helps soon.

What have you found that helps you?

 

[sunset547544]

What have you found that helps you?

Probably positive connections with other people is the best thing, but I know they can be hard to find. A long walk in the spring or autumn in a quiet place in nature is great. A good work out in the gym. Sitting in the church on my lunchbreaks in the peace. I don't take any prescribed medication. I get into terrible states of mind often but some days I feel pretty normal.