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At 30 years old I have little independence or skills.

S

SweetBipolar

Active member
Joined
May 1, 2020
Messages
43
Location
usa
Hi everyone. I hope you are all doing well and coping well.

I am 30 years old and I haven’t done much in my life. After high school I just stayed at home. I do small things like house chores/going shopping with my parents. But mostly I escaped All of life by playing computer games for all
Of these years. As I am getting older and more aware of life and thinking of being independent I panic. I panic at the fact that I don’t have much experience being independent. I know how to cook,clean,Have good hygiene. But outside of my parents house I am totally lost. Without my parents I would feel really worried that I am not able to do things on my own. My social skills are very bad. I get so nervous around people and speaking. I have very low self esteem and this “I can’t” Attitude. It is horrible. I imagine if my parents die I just won’t know what to do. I think it is good that I am thinking this way and wanting to be independent. But to myself I think how? Can I be independent. I am
Terrified of people. I curl up and hide away when someone comes to the door! If we have company I just sit there and I’m lost in my mind. I sometimes feel like a child. I feel like I am not fully capable of simple things. Things like answering the phone or door,asking questions. I am not responsible because everything has to be done by socializing. That is my worst fear. I don’t want to be this way. I am
Not always this way but deep down there is always these thoughts and fears. It is hard to live having so many fears and low self esteem. It is hard to function normally. I get help with medication,therapist,financial assistance. But I am fearing for when this is not available. When I have to do everything on my own. I want to be fully independent someday. I sometimes feel like a child. I feel fragile and scared. I even compare myself to children that have more social skills and can communicate better. I can’t even talk to children without feeling nervous. I compare myself to others. Old high school classmates. I see they have children who probably have more skills than me. I just see myself in a negative way. Like I am no good. That I have no skills and I just can’t survive. I know it is my mind playing tricks on me. It is my mind making life seem harder than it really is. I go from thinking this is ridiculous way of thinking and to really believing this to the point I get panic attacks. Sorry if it doesn’t make sense. I just mean to say I go from this horrible self image as me as fragile,clueless,and never getting anywhere in life. And another part of me is positive and doesn’t compare myself to others and is taking life in my own way which is slower than others. Sometimes I look at people and think they do everything so fast and naturally without thinking. I think too much and get nervous too much. I wonder if this will ever end and I can live and independent confident life someday.
 
G

goodgollymiss

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 6, 2017
Messages
563
I'm messed up even worse. I spent thousands on university but had bad grades
 
G

goodgollymiss

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 6, 2017
Messages
563
There is a website called coursera which has free university
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,169
If you want to live an independent life that's a good start.
Don't worry about comparing yoruself to others, you can do it all you like, but in the end it is always a complete waste of time. This is your life not someone else's.
You need to raise your self esteem by slowly doing more and more things for yourself.
Why not try to move out of your parents place?If you don't have money then get a job.
 
G

goodgollymiss

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 6, 2017
Messages
563
Maybe you could be a personal care attendant and sit with the elderly
 
Zero One

Zero One

Well-known member
Joined
May 19, 2020
Messages
1,934
Location
United States
Hi everyone. I hope you are all doing well and coping well.

I am 30 years old and I haven’t done much in my life. After high school I just stayed at home. I do small things like house chores/going shopping with my parents. But mostly I escaped All of life by playing computer games for all
Of these years. As I am getting older and more aware of life and thinking of being independent I panic. I panic at the fact that I don’t have much experience being independent. I know how to cook,clean,Have good hygiene. But outside of my parents house I am totally lost. Without my parents I would feel really worried that I am not able to do things on my own. My social skills are very bad. I get so nervous around people and speaking. I have very low self esteem and this “I can’t” Attitude. It is horrible. I imagine if my parents die I just won’t know what to do. I think it is good that I am thinking this way and wanting to be independent. But to myself I think how? Can I be independent. I am
Terrified of people. I curl up and hide away when someone comes to the door! If we have company I just sit there and I’m lost in my mind. I sometimes feel like a child. I feel like I am not fully capable of simple things. Things like answering the phone or door,asking questions. I am not responsible because everything has to be done by socializing. That is my worst fear. I don’t want to be this way. I am
Not always this way but deep down there is always these thoughts and fears. It is hard to live having so many fears and low self esteem. It is hard to function normally. I get help with medication,therapist,financial assistance. But I am fearing for when this is not available. When I have to do everything on my own. I want to be fully independent someday. I sometimes feel like a child. I feel fragile and scared. I even compare myself to children that have more social skills and can communicate better. I can’t even talk to children without feeling nervous. I compare myself to others. Old high school classmates. I see they have children who probably have more skills than me. I just see myself in a negative way. Like I am no good. That I have no skills and I just can’t survive. I know it is my mind playing tricks on me. It is my mind making life seem harder than it really is. I go from thinking this is ridiculous way of thinking and to really believing this to the point I get panic attacks. Sorry if it doesn’t make sense. I just mean to say I go from this horrible self image as me as fragile,clueless,and never getting anywhere in life. And another part of me is positive and doesn’t compare myself to others and is taking life in my own way which is slower than others. Sometimes I look at people and think they do everything so fast and naturally without thinking. I think too much and get nervous too much. I wonder if this will ever end and I can live and independent confident life someday.
I understand what it is like to have extremely limited skills (not being able to wash hands, taking an hour and all your strength and mental effort to put on a pillowcase) to being functional once again and having a job. Skills are something you can build gradually and it may develop quickly. You just have to work at it and once you have it you usually keep it. If not you can just relearn it. It is awesome that you are able to cook, etc. Maybe you can find some unique skills classes that will help. It may begin to take the edge off socially as well. Just make sure they are reputable and safe and that you are safe going to and fro. If you aren't sure of how to be safe ask for guidance from your parents.
 
PerpetuallyStuck

PerpetuallyStuck

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
May 20, 2020
Messages
546
Location
England
You need to raise your self esteem by slowly doing more and more things for yourself.
Why not try to move out of your parents place?If you don't have money then get a job.
The trouble is that if you have been unemployed for a long time, businesses aren't willing to give people a chance. In my area it is really difficult to get work. They really don't like people who lack confidence. You need a starting point to be able to progress, and in my situation, there is a lack of opportunity. It's easy to say "just go out and join in with groups, or just go for a walk in public", but that doesn't guarantee social success. I've been part of things where I can get along with plenty of people, but once the activity is over, I go home and I'm on my own again. Work was similar. It's like you have to do what they want to do, or else they aren't interested. Trying and not getting anywhere feels like contant side steps. It is depressing when effort is put in but no progress made.

We have to push ourselves, I agree with that. It is unfair how dismissive society is to people in our situation though. If only there was more understanding and support.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
3,521
Location
Nashua NH
Hi everyone. I hope you are all doing well and coping well.

I am 30 years old and I haven’t done much in my life. After high school I just stayed at home. I do small things like house chores/going shopping with my parents. But mostly I escaped All of life by playing computer games for all
Of these years. As I am getting older and more aware of life and thinking of being independent I panic. I panic at the fact that I don’t have much experience being independent. I know how to cook,clean,Have good hygiene. But outside of my parents house I am totally lost. Without my parents I would feel really worried that I am not able to do things on my own. My social skills are very bad. I get so nervous around people and speaking. I have very low self esteem and this “I can’t” Attitude. It is horrible. I imagine if my parents die I just won’t know what to do. I think it is good that I am thinking this way and wanting to be independent. But to myself I think how? Can I be independent. I am
Terrified of people. I curl up and hide away when someone comes to the door! If we have company I just sit there and I’m lost in my mind. I sometimes feel like a child. I feel like I am not fully capable of simple things. Things like answering the phone or door,asking questions. I am not responsible because everything has to be done by socializing. That is my worst fear. I don’t want to be this way. I am
Not always this way but deep down there is always these thoughts and fears. It is hard to live having so many fears and low self esteem. It is hard to function normally. I get help with medication,therapist,financial assistance. But I am fearing for when this is not available. When I have to do everything on my own. I want to be fully independent someday. I sometimes feel like a child. I feel fragile and scared. I even compare myself to children that have more social skills and can communicate better. I can’t even talk to children without feeling nervous. I compare myself to others. Old high school classmates. I see they have children who probably have more skills than me. I just see myself in a negative way. Like I am no good. That I have no skills and I just can’t survive. I know it is my mind playing tricks on me. It is my mind making life seem harder than it really is. I go from thinking this is ridiculous way of thinking and to really believing this to the point I get panic attacks. Sorry if it doesn’t make sense. I just mean to say I go from this horrible self image as me as fragile,clueless,and never getting anywhere in life. And another part of me is positive and doesn’t compare myself to others and is taking life in my own way which is slower than others. Sometimes I look at people and think they do everything so fast and naturally without thinking. I think too much and get nervous too much. I wonder if this will ever end and I can live and independent confident life someday.
First I think it’s good that you are having these kinds of thoughts so you can plan ahead. Have you shared these thoughts with your parents? Maybe together you could come up with a plan to establish more independence. It could be very hard and I’m sure it’s very scary but you may find small successes and that will give you the confidence you need to try more. I live with my parents too and I don’t known where I would be without them so we are both very much in the same boat there and I don’t know what I’m going to do either!
 
K

karl7

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
543
Hi everyone. I hope you are all doing well and coping well.

I am 30 years old and I haven’t done much in my life. After high school I just stayed at home. I do small things like house chores/going shopping with my parents. But mostly I escaped All of life by playing computer games for all
Of these years. As I am getting older and more aware of life and thinking of being independent I panic. I panic at the fact that I don’t have much experience being independent. I know how to cook,clean,Have good hygiene. But outside of my parents house I am totally lost. Without my parents I would feel really worried that I am not able to do things on my own. My social skills are very bad. I get so nervous around people and speaking. I have very low self esteem and this “I can’t” Attitude. It is horrible. I imagine if my parents die I just won’t know what to do. I think it is good that I am thinking this way and wanting to be independent. But to myself I think how? Can I be independent. I am
Terrified of people. I curl up and hide away when someone comes to the door! If we have company I just sit there and I’m lost in my mind. I sometimes feel like a child. I feel like I am not fully capable of simple things. Things like answering the phone or door,asking questions. I am not responsible because everything has to be done by socializing. That is my worst fear. I don’t want to be this way. I am
Not always this way but deep down there is always these thoughts and fears. It is hard to live having so many fears and low self esteem. It is hard to function normally. I get help with medication,therapist,financial assistance. But I am fearing for when this is not available. When I have to do everything on my own. I want to be fully independent someday. I sometimes feel like a child. I feel fragile and scared. I even compare myself to children that have more social skills and can communicate better. I can’t even talk to children without feeling nervous. I compare myself to others. Old high school classmates. I see they have children who probably have more skills than me. I just see myself in a negative way. Like I am no good. That I have no skills and I just can’t survive. I know it is my mind playing tricks on me. It is my mind making life seem harder than it really is. I go from thinking this is ridiculous way of thinking and to really believing this to the point I get panic attacks. Sorry if it doesn’t make sense. I just mean to say I go from this horrible self image as me as fragile,clueless,and never getting anywhere in life. And another part of me is positive and doesn’t compare myself to others and is taking life in my own way which is slower than others. Sometimes I look at people and think they do everything so fast and naturally without thinking. I think too much and get nervous too much. I wonder if this will ever end and I can live and independent confident life someday.
i relate to what you say sweetbipolar.....im 44 and live with my parents.....always have done.....i also have social anxiety which is a major pain in the as*.....also it is very isolating......sometimes i feel like a child especially if i haev to socialise with extended family.....even my nephews and nieces have more confidence that me when talking.....it bugs me......also i tend to have the tendncy to compare myself to former friends from high school, they are all doing great with careers and marriage.....but i haev no job or career and i never had a relationship (and yeah Im still a virgin) BUT what i got to do is get these people/thoughts out of my mind because they are destructive.......i need to move on.
 
PerpetuallyStuck

PerpetuallyStuck

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
May 20, 2020
Messages
546
Location
England
.....i need to move on.
The trouble is that it is really difficult to know what to do to make life better. Even if there is an "easy" opportunity, we still have to endure social situations and put ourselves out there. I'm not sure what would be harder, getting started, or having to continue. It would be great if you could make some progress. I am in a similar situation to you, but I'm near 33. I worry that I will be like this forever. If you can make it, it would give me hope!
 
AnxiousE

AnxiousE

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 8, 2020
Messages
3,542
Location
USA
:grouphug:

Group hug for anyone else concerned about this. I have extreme interview anxiety, to the point where I've only really been to one and it was horrible. I have physical health issues that make dressing up uncomfortable...or at least I did in my interview days. I still lack confidence in putting together outfits, but there's a bit more to it these days. That aside, while I can do things, I feel I lack expertise in anything anymore. And I do not want a job in what I studied in school. On the other hand, I don't really have any interests...so learning new skills is hard to do when it's so boring.

But I'm not really looking for work. I'm just more afraid of what will happen if I end up alone though and am forced to work. I suppose I should try to make more of an active attempt to sort this out a little bit.

But yea, interview anxiety and even the whole application process. Resumes and I mean, does anyone even use a cover letter or all this stuff I've heard of but have never put into practice?? It's all so overwhelming! And while I'm not exactly shy, I have intense anxiety when I am unprepared and feeling lack of confidence in my abilities.

And whomever it was who said it, folks like us just really aren't understood or accommodated for in this current society. It's very hard and scary!
 
PerpetuallyStuck

PerpetuallyStuck

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
May 20, 2020
Messages
546
Location
England
You know, the worst thing about lacking independence, is that parents can be really controlling/irritating. I feel as if I'm being held hostage, never having the chance to escape. If I ever mention that I could move out one day, they cross their arms, roll their eyes or ignore me. There is no encouragement, no support about it. When I try to confront them and explain that their attitude angers me, they act as if they never had any problem with me moving out and patronise me saying "we can't wait for you to leave home, we've been stuck with you for far too long"..... I hate it when people insult my intelligence like this. Why do parents have to be so manipulative?
 
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