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Associating partner with anxiety.

N

NR01

Active member
Joined
Mar 9, 2020
Messages
27
Location
United Kingdom
Now look at the words you chose to describe him.

- he knows you worry to much
- he doesn’t know how to help you but tries
- he’s amazing
- I can’t appreciate him enough

These thoughts make you feel good and aren’t alarming so you accept them.

You aren’t mauling these thoughts over in your head and have come to accept & appreciate them.

You are focussed on the ‘one’ thought that has you scared which is not only harming you but your relationship ONLY because you are reacting to it.

Not all thoughts that enter our minds are true and if we entertain all thoughts as true, we would live in perpetual fear . Luckily not all of them are true.

You just happen to latch onto this thought and have become obsessed with it. Of course your boyfriend can’t help you since you have deemed him as the problem so have made the decision to push him away. It’s only logical that this would add more stress to your relationship.

I suffer with this disorder or type of obsessive thinking and it’s destructive. My man can shower me with gifts, do many acts of kindness and let me know how much he cares for me while I’m stuck on the fact that he hasn’t shaven that day. The more I think about it the more it distracts me.

Seeking out things that are wrong can become a really unhealthy habit with devastating consequences. Something I suggest is to look up obsessive compulsive negative thinking.

Looking up OCD itself might be helpful but I never accepted this as a problem I had because I was looking for repetitive ‘actions,’ ( like handwashing or checking the locked door) not realizing that those repetitive actions ALL start out as respective thoughts first.
That message made me cry a little but in a good way. It's staring the problem in face and I can't appreciate enough the time you're taken to listen to me and my problems. I have tried to google OCD but like yourself sometimes I don't fit in but ROCD is something I relate with. I am sorry you experience these thoughts aswell. Thank you so much for this advice and again I will be re-reading this message over and over x
 
T

Toast6219

Member
Joined
Nov 17, 2020
Messages
9
Location
WI
Now look at the words you chose to describe him.

- he knows you worry to much
- he doesn’t know how to help you but tries
- he’s amazing
- I can’t appreciate him enough

These thoughts make you feel good and aren’t alarming so you accept them.

You aren’t mauling these thoughts over in your head and have come to accept & appreciate them.

You are focussed on the ‘one’ thought that has you scared which is not only harming you but your relationship ONLY because you are reacting to it.

Not all thoughts that enter our minds are true and if we entertain all thoughts as true, we would live in perpetual fear . Luckily not all of them are true.

You just happen to latch onto this thought and have become obsessed with it. Of course your boyfriend can’t help you since you have deemed him as the problem so have made the decision to push him away. It’s only logical that this would add more stress to your relationship.

I suffer with this disorder or type of obsessive thinking and it’s destructive. My man can shower me with gifts, do many acts of kindness and let me know how much he cares for me while I’m stuck on the fact that he hasn’t shaven that day. The more I think about it the more it distracts me.

Seeking out things that are wrong can become a really unhealthy habit with devastating consequences. Something I suggest is to look up obsessive compulsive negative thinking.

Looking up OCD itself might be helpful but I never accepted this as a problem I had because I was looking for repetitive ‘actions,’ ( like handwashing or checking the locked door) not realizing that those repetitive actions ALL start out as respective thoughts first.
Hello there! I am also struggling with something similar to this. I know this thread was posted months ago, but I was hoping to get your opinion/ advice on some of this? I would be greatly appreciated!


I am in a loving relationship with my boyfriend. We have been together for the past 1.5 years. He is everything I could have ever hoped for in a partner. But recently, I have been having these obsessive thoughts, questions, fears, worries, doubts, etc. I had looked into OCD/ Pure OCD, ROCD. I can relate to the ROCD, but I don't really have any other "major" OCD symptoms. My therapist believes I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I have always been an overthinker and a bit of a worrier. While I believe I do check off a lot of the criteria, I find it hard to relate to others who have GAD (the stories I've read at least). It seems their worries are more about things such as, (Losing their job, Failing a class, what others think of them, etc.) Where my struggles are about MY feelings, thoughts, questions, worries, etc. about my boyfriend. How I feel about him. Its so bad that I am in immense emotional distress. From the time I wake up, to just about the time I go to bed. To the point now, that I feel disconnected. Like there is a wall between my feelings and emotions, and him. Ill look at a photo of him and know that he is my boyfriend and that I love him. But its like there is a wall that prevents me from feeling it. I am so terrified. I am so scared that if I continue down this path, that I will grow distant and lose him/ lose feelings. That is the LAST thing I want to happen. I feel very lost and alone. I am unsure of what to do.

I don't really have any past trauma. I don't have any past "bad" relationships. My relationship with my parents is good. All this anxiety and depression started after a serious of very stressful events happened though. So I'm thinking that may have played a part/ triggered it. Those stressful events made me fall into depression it seems. Due to this, I found it very hard to find happiness/ enjoyment in anything. Which of course, is a scary feeling. So, I turned to the thing that made me the happiest. My boyfriend. When I still felt the same an the intrusive thought came into my mind. "Do you still love him?" and I panicked. When we cuddled, my stomach would go into knots. I knew I loved him, but its like I can't think clearly. And since then, Its started this series of obsessive thoughts and questions. It consumes me. It really affects my day to day life. I have no motivation to do anything. All I can do is sit in my room and ruminate. I've been trying to mediate, journal, etc. I love this man and I do not want to lose him. But I don't know what I am feeling/ thinking this way.

Thank you so much if you end up seeing this!
 
N

NR01

Active member
Joined
Mar 9, 2020
Messages
27
Location
United Kingdom
Hello😊 Everything you have said was exactly how I felt a couple of months ago. It’s actually like looking in the mirror. It was the scariest few months of my life. Like yourself I felt kind of "shut off" from my feelings and any new emotion or feeling i got i would always ask for reassurance to make sure the feeling was normal or ask why am i feeling that. I became exhausted from emotional distress because i would work myself up so much from not understanding my emotions. This is one of the areas i am still working with as i feel my emotions are behind a wall sometimes but again this is a lot better than what it was before.

I am also an overthinker so the minute i got that "i don't love you thought" that was it my brain couldn't leave it alone and it was stuck with me. I won't lie you it is still a little hard now but it's so much better than before. I've come to realise and kind of accept that I might not go back to how I was before this started because it did affect me so so much, it was life changing but that it is also okay. One amazing user on this thread helped me a lot by telling me the language that I used to describe my boyfriend and I can see you doing it as- well. One of the last sentences you write is "I love this man and I do not want to lose him." These thoughts don't scare you or cause alarm so you don't think about them.Intrusive thoughts and anxiety love to "attack" the things you love or think about the most and the fact these thoughts came after a stressful event make it seem they are linked.

Intrusive thoughts were the worst part and somewhat still is but these are a few things i do when i experience them.
- don't try and ignore the thought. If i told you to not think about pink elephants and kept repeating myself "don't think about pink elephants, don't think about pink elephants" you're most likely going to think about pink elephants. It's so hard to do and sounds counter productive but if i have an intrusive thought now I try to just have a conversation with it? Sounds really weird i know but i'll talk to it like you're being told off by a teacher??? So for example "well that's not very nice why have you said that" or "oh are we having this thought again." Sometimes talking to it just makes it sound a little bit ridiculous and not real. Ignoring the thought makes it feel more scary and real. Kind of like a stranger trying to break into your hours by bashing on the door?

- i keep (although i'm not as strict anymore on it) a sleep, water, exercise and stressful events kind of journal. I do this to track what i'm doing so if i have any type of anxious day or anxious about anything really i can have a look at possible reasons why. Stressful events isn't as scary as it sounds it's more for me like running out the house late or losing my purse. Of course big stressors will be included if they pop up. However, i have realised that even if i have the best sleep/water and nothing has gone wrong I can sometimes feel anxious. It has taken me ages to come to terms with that sometimes I will for no reason and will need to do some breathing exercises or i will take myself away to read or colour to calm my body and brain down.

- i stopped googling! Now this for me was the hardest because i wanted to fact check everything i was feeling. This habit became so obsessive it was not good.

You mention stressful events that lead you to turn to your boyfriend for happiness (I do the same) and then that's when you had the intrusive thoughts. I agree with you and think the two do have a connection.

Me and my boyfriend are still together and infact we are living with eachother now. I've kept him up to date with how i feel (without overwhelming him), he may not understand but he is supportive. I believe now that some of the reasons i felt sad/upset/depressed i was before came from being scared of losing my boyfriend. The intrusive thoughts scared me thinking that I was going to have to be without him and that was the scariest thing of all.

I am really sorry to hear how you are feeling, I hope this message helps/comforts you in any way.
 
T

Toast6219

Member
Joined
Nov 17, 2020
Messages
9
Location
WI
Hello😊 Everything you have said was exactly how I felt a couple of months ago. It’s actually like looking in the mirror. It was the scariest few months of my life. Like yourself I felt kind of "shut off" from my feelings and any new emotion or feeling i got i would always ask for reassurance to make sure the feeling was normal or ask why am i feeling that. I became exhausted from emotional distress because i would work myself up so much from not understanding my emotions. This is one of the areas i am still working with as i feel my emotions are behind a wall sometimes but again this is a lot better than what it was before.

I am also an overthinker so the minute i got that "i don't love you thought" that was it my brain couldn't leave it alone and it was stuck with me. I won't lie you it is still a little hard now but it's so much better than before. I've come to realise and kind of accept that I might not go back to how I was before this started because it did affect me so so much, it was life changing but that it is also okay. One amazing user on this thread helped me a lot by telling me the language that I used to describe my boyfriend and I can see you doing it as- well. One of the last sentences you write is "I love this man and I do not want to lose him." These thoughts don't scare you or cause alarm so you don't think about them.Intrusive thoughts and anxiety love to "attack" the things you love or think about the most and the fact these thoughts came after a stressful event make it seem they are linked.

Intrusive thoughts were the worst part and somewhat still is but these are a few things i do when i experience them.
- don't try and ignore the thought. If i told you to not think about pink elephants and kept repeating myself "don't think about pink elephants, don't think about pink elephants" you're most likely going to think about pink elephants. It's so hard to do and sounds counter productive but if i have an intrusive thought now I try to just have a conversation with it? Sounds really weird i know but i'll talk to it like you're being told off by a teacher??? So for example "well that's not very nice why have you said that" or "oh are we having this thought again." Sometimes talking to it just makes it sound a little bit ridiculous and not real. Ignoring the thought makes it feel more scary and real. Kind of like a stranger trying to break into your hours by bashing on the door?

- i keep (although i'm not as strict anymore on it) a sleep, water, exercise and stressful events kind of journal. I do this to track what i'm doing so if i have any type of anxious day or anxious about anything really i can have a look at possible reasons why. Stressful events isn't as scary as it sounds it's more for me like running out the house late or losing my purse. Of course big stressors will be included if they pop up. However, i have realised that even if i have the best sleep/water and nothing has gone wrong I can sometimes feel anxious. It has taken me ages to come to terms with that sometimes I will for no reason and will need to do some breathing exercises or i will take myself away to read or colour to calm my body and brain down.

- i stopped googling! Now this for me was the hardest because i wanted to fact check everything i was feeling. This habit became so obsessive it was not good.

You mention stressful events that lead you to turn to your boyfriend for happiness (I do the same) and then that's when you had the intrusive thoughts. I agree with you and think the two do have a connection.

Me and my boyfriend are still together and infact we are living with eachother now. I've kept him up to date with how i feel (without overwhelming him), he may not understand but he is supportive. I believe now that some of the reasons i felt sad/upset/depressed i was before came from being scared of losing my boyfriend. The intrusive thoughts scared me thinking that I was going to have to be without him and that was the scariest thing of all.

I am really sorry to hear how you are feeling, I hope this message helps/comforts you in any way.
Thank you very much for responding to my message! I really appreciate it.

I do feel our stories have a lot of similarities. I appreciate you giving me tips on things I can do/ work on to help myself. This indeed has caused me immense emotional distress. Nothing like I have ever gone through before. Its awful!

I have been really trying to work on not ignoring the thought, but also not giving it too much attention and its quite hard! I'm afraid of being fixated or ignoring it instead of acknowledging it and letting it go. I've also had someone tell me that when I get obsessive questions, to not answer them. So if you have any other tips on this area, it would be great!

Do you have OCD? (Hope that question isn't too personal). I don't have OCD according to my therapist, but like you said, I relate a lot to ROCD.

May I ask how you kept your boyfriend up to date on how you feel/ your thoughts? Without him assuming you don't love him anymore or are truly having doubts?

Its nice to hear you and your boyfriend are still together and happy. It gives me some hope, and I am grateful for that. Ill have to come back and reread your message a bunch!
 
C

Cyclist

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 23, 2020
Messages
61
Location
Scotland
If he makes you anxious face up to reality and cut loose. That anxiety has become a conditioned reflex.
 
N

NR01

Active member
Joined
Mar 9, 2020
Messages
27
Location
United Kingdom
If he makes you anxious face up to reality and cut loose. That anxiety has become a conditioned reflex.
If you are replying to my original message from March, thank you for your response but I am managing my anxiety very well and me and my partner are doing even better 😊
 
N

NR01

Active member
Joined
Mar 9, 2020
Messages
27
Location
United Kingdom
Thank you very much for responding to my message! I really appreciate it.

I do feel our stories have a lot of similarities. I appreciate you giving me tips on things I can do/ work on to help myself. This indeed has caused me immense emotional distress. Nothing like I have ever gone through before. Its awful!

I have been really trying to work on not ignoring the thought, but also not giving it too much attention and its quite hard! I'm afraid of being fixated or ignoring it instead of acknowledging it and letting it go. I've also had someone tell me that when I get obsessive questions, to not answer them. So if you have any other tips on this area, it would be great!

Do you have OCD? (Hope that question isn't too personal). I don't have OCD according to my therapist, but like you said, I relate a lot to ROCD.

May I ask how you kept your boyfriend up to date on how you feel/ your thoughts? Without him assuming you don't love him anymore or are truly having doubts?

Its nice to hear you and your boyfriend are still together and happy. It gives me some hope, and I am grateful for that. Ill have to come back and reread your message a bunch!
It took me ages to try and not ignore thoughts and simultaneously not giving it all my attention because it does cause such awful emotional stress. I haven’t gone through that emotional stress before either and I think that made it 100 times worse because it was new. I’m unsure on other tips relating to not answering obsessive questions. I sometimes say mine out loud or write them down, gives them that “reality” feel and most of the time I will look at it and think “it’s ridiculous” (like in Harry Potter). One of the hardest things is, is that there are so many different coping techniques and people have different tips and tricks to help with these things. It’s about finding the best ones that work for you.

i haven’t been diagnosed with OCD but like yourself I relate to ROCD very well. But intrusive thoughts aren’t solely linked to OCD, they can be symptoms of so many other mental illnesses.

I won’t lie to you at first talking to my boyfriend was hard because I felt so so guilty. He is no stranger to me and my mental health. I’ve attended MIND about my dissociation and anxiety and he’s come to appointments with me (I wanted him to kind of understand what inside my head was like). When I first spoke to him about it I just said “remember before I say anything I do love you so much” and then told him about everything. He was so confused and also upset that I was having these thoughts. We did have a week apart of no talking which was difficult in the early stages of this because well we both didn’t know what to do or what to say. I also (before the week break) felt like I needed to tell him all the time how I was feeling it was like I couldn’t stop myself. I always needed to bring up that I was having doubts about love and the relationship which was a massive factor in the week break. After that week though I learned I don’t need to tell him every minute of the day. We spoke about it, I told him how I couldn’t help these thoughts (I think he went away and googled it) I told him that I understand how hard it was for him to hear but that I want to work on it together. It did take some time and he sometimes still doesn’t quite understand what I’m talking about but we are both learning together I guess. We also both agreed that it’s normal to have relationship doubts. Completely and 100% normal, we’ve been together for nearly 5 years so it was almost expected. He told me that he’s had doubts before and that actually made me feel better because I knew that it was normal if that makes sense?
 
T

Toast6219

Member
Joined
Nov 17, 2020
Messages
9
Location
WI
It took me ages to try and not ignore thoughts and simultaneously not giving it all my attention because it does cause such awful emotional stress. I haven’t gone through that emotional stress before either and I think that made it 100 times worse because it was new. I’m unsure on other tips relating to not answering obsessive questions. I sometimes say mine out loud or write them down, gives them that “reality” feel and most of the time I will look at it and think “it’s ridiculous” (like in Harry Potter). One of the hardest things is, is that there are so many different coping techniques and people have different tips and tricks to help with these things. It’s about finding the best ones that work for you.

i haven’t been diagnosed with OCD but like yourself I relate to ROCD very well. But intrusive thoughts aren’t solely linked to OCD, they can be symptoms of so many other mental illnesses.

I won’t lie to you at first talking to my boyfriend was hard because I felt so so guilty. He is no stranger to me and my mental health. I’ve attended MIND about my dissociation and anxiety and he’s come to appointments with me (I wanted him to kind of understand what inside my head was like). When I first spoke to him about it I just said “remember before I say anything I do love you so much” and then told him about everything. He was so confused and also upset that I was having these thoughts. We did have a week apart of no talking which was difficult in the early stages of this because well we both didn’t know what to do or what to say. I also (before the week break) felt like I needed to tell him all the time how I was feeling it was like I couldn’t stop myself. I always needed to bring up that I was having doubts about love and the relationship which was a massive factor in the week break. After that week though I learned I don’t need to tell him every minute of the day. We spoke about it, I told him how I couldn’t help these thoughts (I think he went away and googled it) I told him that I understand how hard it was for him to hear but that I want to work on it together. It did take some time and he sometimes still doesn’t quite understand what I’m talking about but we are both learning together I guess. We also both agreed that it’s normal to have relationship doubts. Completely and 100% normal, we’ve been together for nearly 5 years so it was almost expected. He told me that he’s had doubts before and that actually made me feel better because I knew that it was normal if that makes sense?
Ya, I havent gone through anything like this which makes it so extremely hard. I think I am so experiencing dissociation. But im not sure what MIND is? I think my body and mind, as a defense mechanisms, has kinda numbed my feelings. I know that love is in there, but its really hard to feel it. Seeing other couples, listening to love songs/ heartbreak songs, watching romantic shows, etc. Is very hard. It gets me knots in my stomach. Im hoping with time and therapy, I can get through this.

I can understand how it would be so hard to talk to your boyfriend about it, hence why I only have brought it up a couple of times. I also feel the need to say everything that is on my mind, thats another thing I need to work on. I know that its completely normal to have doubts and such in a relationship, but this just seems so overboard!

Thank you again for the responses. I hope someday soon, I will be the one on the other side of this. I'll be the one responding in hopes to help someone experiencing similar issues. While having my loving boyfriend by my side. Thank you very much for the help!
 
N

NR01

Active member
Joined
Mar 9, 2020
Messages
27
Location
United Kingdom
Ya, I havent gone through anything like this which makes it so extremely hard. I think I am so experiencing dissociation. But im not sure what MIND is? I think my body and mind, as a defense mechanisms, has kinda numbed my feelings. I know that love is in there, but its really hard to feel it. Seeing other couples, listening to love songs/ heartbreak songs, watching romantic shows, etc. Is very hard. It gets me knots in my stomach. Im hoping with time and therapy, I can get through this.

I can understand how it would be so hard to talk to your boyfriend about it, hence why I only have brought it up a couple of times. I also feel the need to say everything that is on my mind, thats another thing I need to work on. I know that its completely normal to have doubts and such in a relationship, but this just seems so overboard!

Thank you again for the responses. I hope someday soon, I will be the one on the other side of this. I'll be the one responding in hopes to help someone experiencing similar issues. While having my loving boyfriend by my side. Thank you very much for the help!
I completely agree with everything you’ve just said. Especially the defence mechanism part because I feel my body does the same. MIND is a mental health charity that offers counselling services in the UK. It was absolutely amazing going there. Talking to your therapist about this will definitely help with all of this. It may take some time (this is the sad bit) but I’m sure you will be on the other side, offering other people help and advice.
I wish you and your boyfriend all the best! Please don’t hesitate to comment on this thread again if you need too. I’ll be here if needed 🥰
 
M

Msy

Member
Joined
Nov 8, 2020
Messages
16
Location
England
I’ve wrote previously of having intrusive thoughts about my boyfriend. We’ve taken a week break of not speaking because it was getting too much for the both of us. I’m starting to feel okay however whenever I think of him I become anxious. I’m thinking is it because of the thoughts, is it because I actually don’t love him and I’m not admitting it, it is avoiding him because I don’t want to feel that way? We are meant to be speaking again in a few days and I’m worried all the feeling of the thoughts will be coming back once I see him. I don’t want to be having these thoughts because before they happened we were absolutely fine. Over the past few days of not speaking, the thoughts have lessened I’d say but whenever I think of my boyfriend I become anxious. I don’t want to feel like that, he’s my best friend and is, was? I don’t know but the love of my life. My mind just can’t commit to a thought or decision.

I used to get this exact same thing.
Constantly on edge feeling like id done something wrong and constantly venting to my partner at the time about things i was worried about.

There is a massive difference between actual guilt and anxiety.
When youre feeling anxious, your brain tends to associate this with something to rationalise it and its usually the closest person to you.

The good news is that you seem to be at the "peak" and eventually your brain will need to start coming down from this. It cant possibly keep up with living in a high anxiety state and will eventually need to come down from this.

Please keep telling yourself that it isnt guilt youre feeling, its anxiety.
 
N

NR01

Active member
Joined
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Messages
27
Location
United Kingdom
I used to get this exact same thing.
Constantly on edge feeling like id done something wrong and constantly venting to my partner at the time about things i was worried about.

There is a massive difference between actual guilt and anxiety.
When youre feeling anxious, your brain tends to associate this with something to rationalise it and its usually the closest person to you.

The good news is that you seem to be at the "peak" and eventually your brain will need to start coming down from this. It cant possibly keep up with living in a high anxiety state and will eventually need to come down from this.

Please keep telling yourself that it isnt guilt youre feeling, its anxiety.
The comment you’re replying too was a couple of months ago but you have no idea how happy you’re comment has made me. Me and my boyfriend are happy and living together but the anxiety never full goes away (I’ve learnt this through years of having anxiety). I always have troubling rationalising my anxiety, trying to distinguish if it’s real or anxiety. Your comment has provided me with a real grounding technique if that makes sense? Something I can read (because it’s real) to calm me down and bring me out of my own head.
I know it’s just a little comment but I’m really appreciative of what you have said 😊
 
M

Msy

Member
Joined
Nov 8, 2020
Messages
16
Location
England
The comment you’re replying too was a couple of months ago but you have no idea how happy you’re comment has made me. Me and my boyfriend are happy and living together but the anxiety never full goes away (I’ve learnt this through years of having anxiety). I always have troubling rationalising my anxiety, trying to distinguish if it’s real or anxiety. Your comment has provided me with a real grounding technique if that makes sense? Something I can read (because it’s real) to calm me down and bring me out of my own head.
I know it’s just a little comment but I’m really appreciative of what you have said 😊

Im so glad it worked out for you!
Its lovely hearing possitives from this forum.

I didnt look at the date on your post, i just saw how similar it was!

Im glad it has helped you and honestly when i started thinking like that it really started to numb the effects!

You will get it occasionally but i can tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel and repeating to myself the difference between the feeling and the actually i can honestly say that it doesnt have the same power it once did.

I wish you all the best!xxx
 
S

Star1969

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Nov 20, 2020
Messages
10
Location
Stafford
Asking for help is a huge step to take and takes a hell of a lot of courage. It’s a very positive step and it means you’re open and ready to finding out the reasons underneath these negative thoughts which is half the battle. You want to help yourself and that’s great.
The fact that you have been able to talk to your boyfriend about these thoughts is proof that you have a very loving and trusting relationship. The fact that he is willing to help you through it is also proof that he feels the same way, he wants you to be happy and by asking for help you’re helping him to.
All of this is positive, positive, positive, so until your appointment arrives just remind yourself that you have courage, love and positivity on your side and you will overcome this.
All my love xxxx
 
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