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Associating partner with anxiety.

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NR01

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I’ve wrote previously of having intrusive thoughts about my boyfriend. We’ve taken a week break of not speaking because it was getting too much for the both of us. I’m starting to feel okay however whenever I think of him I become anxious. I’m thinking is it because of the thoughts, is it because I actually don’t love him and I’m not admitting it, it is avoiding him because I don’t want to feel that way? We are meant to be speaking again in a few days and I’m worried all the feeling of the thoughts will be coming back once I see him. I don’t want to be having these thoughts because before they happened we were absolutely fine. Over the past few days of not speaking, the thoughts have lessened I’d say but whenever I think of my boyfriend I become anxious. I don’t want to feel like that, he’s my best friend and is, was? I don’t know but the love of my life. My mind just can’t commit to a thought or decision.
 
Foxjo

Foxjo

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Have you told your boyfriend about these intrusive thoughts?
I would have thought that not speaking to him would have made you feel worse?
Remember that they are just thoughts and not necessarily true.
Hugs
Fox
 
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NR01

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I have spoken to him about these thoughts. I became kind of obsessed in a way of telling him constantly how i was feeling. He was always so positive saying that i could get through this and we will both become stronger. I don't know if maybe it is guilt and i'm trying to avoid it. We are both at university and the thoughts i am having are getting in the way of our work and since we finish in a few week/months I can't jeopardize that for both of us. When i think about the memories we have shared they make me so happy and i get upset because it isn't like that now. I feel talking to my boyfriend was a constant reminder of the thoughts i was having and i felt guilt because they came out of nowhere and all the problems we are having, the tension and distance for example is caused by me.
 
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I'm thinking that if someone makes you feel anxious thinking about them and if it's someone you need to take a break from, then they're not the right person for you.
 
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NR01

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I'm thinking that if someone makes you feel anxious thinking about them and if it's someone you need to take a break from, then they're not the right person for you.
We have been together for 4 years and the only reason this break is happening is because of the thoughts I have been having. I really don't want to feel this way about him, i just don't know how to stop itx
 
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Purpleplum

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We have been together for 4 years and the only reason this break is happening is because of the thoughts I have been having. I really don't want to feel this way about him, i just don't know how to stop itx
It sounds like you might have to work on what's causing those feelings before you can commit further into a relationship. You may have to resolve what feelings the relationship brings up. They could be related to things in your past or could be related to mood changes.
 
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NR01

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It sounds like you might have to work on what's causing those feelings before you can commit further into a relationship. You may have to resolve what feelings the relationship brings up. They could be related to things in your past or could be related to mood changes.
I'm currently waiting for an appointment with a counsellor so hopefully that could help. I was meant to be moving in with him and his family at the end of this year and preparing for a masters but because of these thoughts i'm very nervous to do that. When previously before these I was so excited and literally couldn't wait.
 
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Keesha

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What types of intrusive thoughts about him are you having?
 
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NR01

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What types of intrusive thoughts about him are you having?
if i love him? if i am thinking this then i mustn't love him, should i break up with him? It was just a thought that popped into my head one day when i went to visit him and it's been stuck ever since. I constantly go round in my head thinking. But then i think i don't want to break up with him because in a couple weeks i might feel like myself again. Before i went to visit him, everything in our relationship was normal. He's been my life for 4 years and I can't believe i am thinking this.
 
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if i love him? if i am thinking this then i mustn't love him, should i break up with him? It was just a thought that popped into my head one day when i went to visit him and it's been stuck ever since. I constantly go round in my head thinking. But then i think i don't want to break up with him because in a couple weeks i might feel like myself again. Before i went to visit him, everything in our relationship was normal. He's been my life for 4 years and I can't believe i am thinking this.
Ok! So looking over your own answers to this question it appears like you are getting tripped up by your own OCD thoughts which has gained momentum which I do to myself ALL the time.

Suddenly out of the blue you questioned your love for this man you’ve been with for 4 years . Due to your obsessive intrusive thoughts which have clearly upset you , has made you question your entire relationship.

Do you think that perhaps you are over invested in your own unhealthy thoughts to the point of causing your own anxiety?

The reason I ask is because just this year I’ve noticed I do this to myself ALL the time. Noticing ourself doing it is MUCH more difficult than having a complete stranger notice it.

If this man knows you have obsessive compulsive thoughts, which he probably does, then he will help you out with this. He’s been with you for 4 years and probably loves you dearly.

Could it be possible that since you are being so hard on yourself for obsessing over harmful thoughts that you are also being hard on him for just being there?

OCD can be complicated to deal with especially if you haven’t got the awareness. Perhaps you could get some help with this and keep your relationship strong & healthy.

These are ‘only’ thoughts. Wouldn’t it be easier to change your negative thoughts than change your boyfriend. I understand it’s not that easy but with some help you can do it.
 
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And NO if you are thinking that , it doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t love him. It might very well mean you are stuck in a loop of obsessive thinking which you are having trouble breaking. I do it all the time and it’s difficult snapping out of this type of thinking but it can be done with a bit of help. ♥
 
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NR01

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Thank you so much for that reply. In my boyfriend's mind i think he knows i worry so so much. I always have done. He's trying his best but because he doesn't completely understand he can't fully give me the advice I need. He really is amazing i can't appreciate him enough. I feel like i am far too in my own head that I can't think of anything positively. The anxiety i have towards him i think is indirect if that makes sense. Because my negative thoughts are surrounding him, pushing him away stops them thoughts? When in fact I really miss him and how we used to be before this. I need to remember that everything in my head is a 'what if'. Thank you so much for your reply. I will probably be re-reading it all day. I have referred for an appointment but the waiting time is a couple of weeks but hopefully it will all be okay.
 
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I'm currently waiting for an appointment with a counsellor so hopefully that could help. I was meant to be moving in with him and his family at the end of this year and preparing for a masters but because of these thoughts i'm very nervous to do that. When previously before these I was so excited and literally couldn't wait.
So there was a change coming your way--a big one--and you moved back to your sole position. Maybe you're not ready yet for those changes. Maybe you're feeling it's too much. Changes are hard and you should make them when you're ready.
 
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Keesha

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Thank you so much for that reply. In my boyfriend's mind i think he knows i worry so so much. I always have done. He's trying his best but because he doesn't completely understand he can't fully give me the advice I need. He really is amazing i can't appreciate him enough. I feel like i am far too in my own head that I can't think of anything positively. The anxiety i have towards him i think is indirect if that makes sense. Because my negative thoughts are surrounding him, pushing him away stops them thoughts? When in fact I really miss him and how we used to be before this. I need to remember that everything in my head is a 'what if'. Thank you so much for your reply. I will probably be re-reading it all day. I have referred for an appointment but the waiting time is a couple of weeks but hopefully it will all be okay.
Now look at the words you chose to describe him.

- he knows you worry to much
- he doesn’t know how to help you but tries
- he’s amazing
- I can’t appreciate him enough

These thoughts make you feel good and aren’t alarming so you accept them.

You aren’t mauling these thoughts over in your head and have come to accept & appreciate them.

You are focussed on the ‘one’ thought that has you scared which is not only harming you but your relationship ONLY because you are reacting to it.

Not all thoughts that enter our minds are true and if we entertain all thoughts as true, we would live in perpetual fear . Luckily not all of them are true.

You just happen to latch onto this thought and have become obsessed with it. Of course your boyfriend can’t help you since you have deemed him as the problem so have made the decision to push him away. It’s only logical that this would add more stress to your relationship.

I suffer with this disorder or type of obsessive thinking and it’s destructive. My man can shower me with gifts, do many acts of kindness and let me know how much he cares for me while I’m stuck on the fact that he hasn’t shaven that day. The more I think about it the more it distracts me.

Seeking out things that are wrong can become a really unhealthy habit with devastating consequences. Something I suggest is to look up obsessive compulsive negative thinking.

Looking up OCD itself might be helpful but I never accepted this as a problem I had because I was looking for repetitive ‘actions,’ ( like handwashing or checking the locked door) not realizing that those repetitive actions ALL start out as respective thoughts first.
 
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NR01

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That is very true. I'm also finishing my last year at university and so is he. We only have a matter of about 8 weeks left with deadlines becoming imminent. Maybe too much for my brain to handle and these thoughts aren't helping.
 
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