Ras
Well-known member
so something has been on my mind for two days now after the last appointment i had with psychiatrist and case worker. They mentioned how i seem much more calm and less agitated while seemingly having much better impulse control and that can happen with this disorder with age.
i don't ever really read up on mental illnesses or things of that nature because it normally doesnt interest me, so i dont know about others who have this disorder or really much about it besides the basics.
So when i heard this it kind of awoke me and i realize i have changed a fair bit. I am 34 years old now and i have changed so very much in say 10 years.
At 24 i would do whatever i wanted when i wanted no matter who got harmed or what happened to myself. If i wanted something, i took it and i wouldnt even think about it. I have been in juvie and prison over my actions and didnt care if i lived or died if it meant i do exactly what i want. Hell i never really thought i would live past the age of 21 and no matter how badly i got hurt, it never happened and i never took any of it as signs to slow down. I wanted everything and i also wanted to die in what i could only describe as in a blaze of glory and chaos.
but yet my life has taken a turn without me even really noticing. I am not like that anymore. I dont do everything i want anymore and can control myself a lot better.
I guess i also dont really want for things i used to think were most pleasurable.
Now with age i am a completely different person and to be honest that thought frightens me. I have lost myself and become something i never thought remotely possible.
Who knows where another 10 years will take me if i make it that far
i don't ever really read up on mental illnesses or things of that nature because it normally doesnt interest me, so i dont know about others who have this disorder or really much about it besides the basics.
So when i heard this it kind of awoke me and i realize i have changed a fair bit. I am 34 years old now and i have changed so very much in say 10 years.
At 24 i would do whatever i wanted when i wanted no matter who got harmed or what happened to myself. If i wanted something, i took it and i wouldnt even think about it. I have been in juvie and prison over my actions and didnt care if i lived or died if it meant i do exactly what i want. Hell i never really thought i would live past the age of 21 and no matter how badly i got hurt, it never happened and i never took any of it as signs to slow down. I wanted everything and i also wanted to die in what i could only describe as in a blaze of glory and chaos.
but yet my life has taken a turn without me even really noticing. I am not like that anymore. I dont do everything i want anymore and can control myself a lot better.
I guess i also dont really want for things i used to think were most pleasurable.
Now with age i am a completely different person and to be honest that thought frightens me. I have lost myself and become something i never thought remotely possible.
Who knows where another 10 years will take me if i make it that far
