• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

as russ turned and walked ! trigger



YOU MAY FIND THIS UPSETTING AND IF YOU WISH NOT TO HAVE ANY ACCOCIATION WITH ME AFTER READING I DO UNDERSTAND I hadnt been home for about 3 days ,it was 3 am in the morning so i made
the long walk home ,my mum would be glad to see me ,but not my dad he
would have a go at me i knew what was coming ,i tapped on the front door
and waited ,trembling with cold and fear ,maybe mum would hear and it would be ok ,nothing ,i knocked this time and stood back ,a light went upstairs ,i knew it was my dad ,17 years old living on the steets riding large
motorcycles ,police chases and here i was scared of my dad .he swung the door open and quickly faced up to me ,what you doing ,at this time ,im cold
and have no were else to go ,we,ll you should have thought of that before
you walked out and caused us all this worry ,do you know what your doing
to your mam .ill just stay here tonight ill be out tommorrow ,pushing by him
no pushing me back we were on the grass now ,mum appeared behind us
stop it she said ,cmon in russ, dad walked off upstairs ranting ,mum said stay
in your room upstairs ,ok mum sorry ,she said nothing and went upstairs i
knew my dad would get on at her ,i sat in the living room stewing over how
my dad had been ,i wanted to teach him a lesson ,so he would leave me alone ,i was drunk and upset ,under the tv was a few newspapers ,i thought
if i set fire to these it would leave a mess in the morning that would frighten him into leaving me alone ,he would not want to mess with me again
so i lit the tiny corner of a paper and went upstairs to bed .
It would be around 5 minutes later the deafening sound of the tv exploding and
blowing the living room window out onto the street woke us all up ,i ran down stairs ,of coure i immediatly new what id done ,i opened the living room door
it was like opening the gates of hell ,the flames were climbing up the walls
and the ceiling was starting to come down ,my mother and father looked in the room my mother screaming my name russ youve done this russ,,we rushed out onto the street ,the house rapidly becoming a total inferno ,all the niebours were out comforting my parents i stood alone and frightened i was
numb ,i knew this was the end of my life ,i stood and looked into the flames
as i did so a shadow left me ,it was i russ the young boy who had never played ,now the youth who had created his own pyre ,he stopped and turned to me and we shared a tear for a few seconds ,as russ turned and walked into the flames ,i became the man i am today and that young boy who cast him self into the flames can only now shelter within my soul ,this thing he did was not meant to turn out this way ,yes it was wrong ,but he didnt want to hurt
his parents in this way ,the man who stood as the flames died down was
utterly beside himself ,he would be driven from the village were he lived and
be threatened with death if he returned ,a few weeks later he would be thrown into the boot of a car driven 20 miles away and severly beaten ,
i live this terrible night everytime i close my eyes and will never forgive myself
this is why i must pay and why i accept the visitor in my life so freely ,
the devil has truly taken me and i must serve till death ,,JETBOY



It might sound odd to some people but I don't think what you did was so bad. Property was damaged but you were still very much a kid dealing with something you couldn't contain. (I challenge anyone to say they could). I'm not making excuses - I just don't have the right to judge you.

So a house got burned down...They build new ones every day. The real tragedy is that you could have killed yourself or your parents. God was watching over you that night and it wasn't your time or your folks. There is a reason for everything.

I can understand why you lit the fire. It makes sense to me. You know it was wrong but it is what it is.

Only you know what happened that night. I can say that there are people who do the most monstrous things to their fellow human beings each day in terms of bullying and belittling and preying on the vulnerable. Those things so often go unheard of because people love the big dramatic events at which they can point a finger at someone or something. There are people who witness those events of people's spirits being crushed and hopes shattered and yet stand by and say and do nothing to help those they know they should. But it is often only those big events of physical destruction that get the attention of everyone - not those greater evils that may scar someone for the rest of their lives and which ruin hearts and dreams forever. You won't find society running to help those have been so damaged by bullying in the workplace or school etc...but you will find them picking through the remains of a burned out house like it was something valuable. It wasn't.

In my estimation there are far greater things done in class rooms and colleges each day in the United Kingdom; events and actions and choices by people which are far more destructive and evil than what you did that night. They go home each night probably satisfied with their inflictions on those they considered weak. Satisfied and without a moments' thought of the hurt and chaos they have brought into another person's life.

So tell me......who gets to say what is evil? In my heart - I know it is that perpetrated by those who prey on the vulnerable. Society and people may see it happen right in front of their noses - but there won't be a siren going off as someone's life and hopes are destroyed. There won't even be a comforting word to the victim. A person or child.

The spectators will simply turn their backs and pretend it doesn't matter.

So don't compare yourself Jetboy. Comparison don't mean much in this world - as I'm sure you know. And the devil you speak of - is very much present in the hearts and minds of those who could have spoken up or helped but chose not to. They had the strength to - but chose to turn away.

Now tell me - who is the real guilty party and who is the perpetrator of evil? Maybe more so in those who turn away.



hey telemetry9

thankyou telemetry9 for your very thoughtful reply ,i understand what your
saying to me ,i look for no forgiveness ,and when youve done something like
this in your life ,its not something you forget ,all the doctors in the world
have told me this ,but no i cant let go ,i will go to sleep soon ,and the fires
will burn in my eyes,and my night will be constantly interupted by my mother
screems ,and the visitor will tighten his grip around my throat ,and he to will
look deep into my mind and scream ,and when i look into its empty face and
try to see what this sentinal from hell looks like ,i will see the terrible thing
that it is ,yes it is myself that looks back and mocks me ,we are one it must
stay with me ,sometimes it trys to whisper to me ,telling me to go to that dark place ,were you have nowere to go but over the edge, death ,then its journey
with me would be over ,and it the visitor would leave my soul as i let go of my last breath and would take another poor soul ,but this will not be ,it knows i will not give in to death ,so it will stay with me till my time on this
world is over ,and if i can i will grip it tight at that last moment and take it with me ,werever my resting place will be ,and i wont let the visitor go ,and it will suffer what ever end i do ,for i will not let it take another ,no one else will suffer at its hands ,so theres no forgivness for me ,thankyou my freind i do
hold dear the words you send to me ,may tommorrow be a better day for you
as for me i have made another freind today thankyou ,,,,ken ,,,,,JETBOY


There is nothing that can't be forgiven if we truly want that. God is love and love is much greater than we can envisage or ever imagine.

I hope you find that peace.



oh no not god again please

I fear now ,a word that you use .its been offered to me so many times ,
this is why i feel the need to pick up my weapons and continue my journey
alone , im sorry you were not to know ,like i said i dont want forgiveness
if i did i would be brave enough to ask for it ,this is my life i write about
and god does not have a part in it ,,,sorry JETBOY
Similar threads
Thread starter Title Forum Replies Date
M Depression has turned me into a monster Depression Forum 4

Similar threads