• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

As a male i'm heavily leaning into typical female behaviour.

O

Orzeszek00

Member
Joined
Nov 28, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Poland
Hello.

Thank you in advance for reading the whole thing - it took me a while to get to know it. Also, i do apologize for any incorrect sentences - not a native speaker.

To be honest, I don't know how to start. Maybe at the beginning I'll say that it's important for me, because time flies through my fingers - months or even years when nothing changes. Under no circumstances is it a topic created for the purpose of provocation or ridicule, so I ask people who treat such matters mockingly not to respond.

Maybe at the beginning I will describe myself a bit. I am currently 24 years old, very short and incredibly slim. The type of beauty I have is frankly misleading, because although I am biologically a man, it happened so often that someone mistook me for a woman.

Since I graduated from elementary school and entered junior high school, my problems began. I still went to primary school in my hometown, but as a result of the split in my family I moved elsewhere. The change of environment, new friends among whom I could not find myself - all this made me run away into four walls and a computer, or at least then it seemed to me like that's the reason.

As the years went by, I was increasingly analyzing my alienation, running away from people. It even happened that the simplest things made me unwilling to get out of bed. While it was still okay in middle school, I completely cut myself off in high school. I avoided my friends by entering into conflicts, I often ran away from school lying to my parents that I was late for the bus or came back after a few hours claiming that we had been let from school earlier.

I've mentioned this period of my life because then I noticed strange tendencies i've started having. Throughout high school I wore long hair. Although my friends have been mocking me for this, I did not particularly care about it. It was also worrying that I didn't seen any sense in dating during the whole middle and high school. I wasn't completely interested in it, because all the time I felt that I was missing something more important.
To get to the heart of the matter.
I'm 24 years old now, and I recently resigned from college. But if seems to me like it all started years ago, around time I've turned 18.

I mentioned earlier that I had long hair in high school. In fact, I have had long hair all the time since I finished high school and there were moments when I asked for typically female hairstyles when going to the hairdresser, which was incomprehensible to my family. My mother, seeing me in such a haircut, didn't really comment, but she seemed surprised. In fact, I have this love for women's hairstyles until now. (so it's been going on for about 6 years now).

At first I ignored it, explaining that "this is just my style". The problem, however, is that the last two years (from the christmas of 2018) I started to go in a strange direction. When browsing through online stores or even stationary stores I looked at women's clothes much more often and willingly. I also often bought small elements of wardrobe, such as socks or beanies typical of women - colored, in hearts etc.

I'll immediately point out that this is not a fetish. I do not interpret it in anyway sexually. I have never been attracted to wearing women's clothes in that way, disguises or such things. Frankly speaking, since finishing high school I completely lost interest in sex and relationships. In principle, I don't even practice masturbation (I do it sporadically, of course, but only for fear that sexual abstinence may lead to illnesses). If I am to be honest, sex in life does not motivate me at all.

Last year was a breakthrough for me. I moved out of my family home, rented an apartment and took up a really cool job. Throughout high school and middle school I have been vegetating at home without any friends or hobbies, so I thought that when I move out of my comfort zone, I will meet new people, everything will change. You know, I thought that I would open up to new things and naturally move away from these "quirks".

Unfortunately, the problem is that my fascination after i've moved out has only increased. It happened that I ordered some clothes over the Internet and started to do make up. Recently I've completely dressed up as a girl, got a full makeup and as i've been standing in front of the mirror I started to have negative thoughts about myself. The standard - that I'm a freak, that I'm wasting money and time, that I should seek professional help and that it's perverted.
As I mentioned earlier - it has no sexual context. I'm not sexually charged at all while doing those things.
I just feel better, more comfortable. Playing such a "female role" at home gives me a sense of comfort.

As a result, I started to analyze a lot and came to the conclusion that I have done similar things in the past, maybe I will explain. Earlier I mentioned that in high school I was running away into computer games and the Internet. It was during my adventures in forums or online games that I most often pretended to be a woman, or played female characters. That happened even when i've been a teenager, so around 12 to 16 years old.

I didn't enjoy lying to people, but I felt good when someone thought I was a woman. I also remember that in my childhood years, even before moving to another city, I used to sneak up to my mother's and sister's wardrobe and began to try their dresses on when I was alone at home.

I was maybe 7 or 8 years old at that time, so it wasn't a fetish, because I hadn't discovered this part of my life at that age. Again - I felt better then, although I don't remember that period very well. I remember, however, that i've been doing it quite frequently.

Now, as I mentioned, I am already 24 years old, I have a group of good friends and a job - theoretically well arranged life, and yet even today, browsing through black friday offers I consciously browse through women's clothes. Honestly, if I could, I would wear them every day. As I mentioned, it is not about anything unusual(I am not talking about underwear), but about ordinary things like shoes, pants or jackets.

I just don't feel comfortable with who I am and how I look. I do not like what I see in the mirror.

Already in high school I used to buy colorful T-shirts or blouses with flowers, which of course was commented on by friends in a way "I think you stole this blouse from your sister", but back then nobody took it seriously.

To sum up, I think I may have some personality disorder. This has been going on for too long and i can't no longer think that this is some strange period that will pass.

Whenever someone mistakes me for a woman, it makes me feel good, and in theory it shouldn't. For many years I have also been interested in transgender people's stories - I watch their channels on youtube, follow social media etc. In fact, since I was 20 years old I have often thought for myself whether my life wouldn't be better if I decided on such therapy.

In such a situation, would it be best to go and see some kind of specialist, like a psychologist, or maybe a sexologist? I'm honestly very anxious when it comes to revealing this to anybody "face to face", but i think it would be the right step.

Again, thanks for reading the entire thing. If you have any comments or similar experiences - please share. I think it would help me to know im not alone.

If you have any questions - feel free to ask. Im gonna answer everything if that's gonna help.

Thanks.
 
M

ManDss

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 24, 2020
Messages
541
Location
Argentina
I read your whole text.

Lately Ive been reading and hearing lot of transgenders stories, it kinda seem like you are going to that path.

"Recently I've completely dressed up as a girl, got a full makeup and as i've been standing in front of the mirror".

Ive heard that same scene in many transgender stories, first they only wear a little something, and one day they fully dressed and look at the mirror contemplating themselves. "Finally living their dream".

I see you are still confuse. Bur most concerning is you seem very anxious about this.

Try to really take this slow.

Even if you dont feel like "Im transgender" (because maybe you arent), think that is OK to do whatever you want to do with yourself.

If you like women clothes, or... dress in a dog custom and pretend you are a dog, its your life, do whatever you want. I like music.

There is no "1 way to live".

I see is good you think about therapy. But you have to be aware that maybe some therapist see this as a problem, maybe they are against transgenders, so they can end up confusing you even more.

There is only 1 method you have to follow: always ask yourself: "Am Im hurting someone else with this ? Am I hurtint myself with this ?".

Go slow, and thinl in the future. Dont jump steps
 
A

Am33

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Sep 28, 2020
Messages
382
Location
Fiji
Everyone has a balance of masculine and feminine in them . Men have more masculine energy than woman and vice versa . You have a imbalance of feminine energy you can change that with therapy doing affirmations to create a balance between your masculine and feminine selves .
 
M

ManDss

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 24, 2020
Messages
541
Location
Argentina
Everyone has a balance of masculine and feminine in them . Men have more masculine energy than woman and vice versa . You have a imbalance of feminine energy you can change that with therapy doing affirmations to create a balance between your masculine and feminine selves .
I dont think as in terms of "imbalance". Yes there are masculine and femenine conducts, but if someone have treats of the opposite sex there is not an imbalance, its just the way to be.
 
O

Orzeszek00

Member
Joined
Nov 28, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Poland
I see is good you think about therapy. But you have to be aware that maybe some therapist see this as a problem, maybe they are against transgenders, so they can end up confusing you even more.
Hey. Thanks for your response.

Thats actually the reason why am i anxious about it. Honestly, im afraid to come out with my feelings and attitude because i am afraid that people will shame me for it and will try to push me into being more manly, instead of trying to help me understand who i really am.

I used to have brief conversations about topics like that with my family or friends, but not about myself. More like "hey, check that video of a guy, who turned into a girl". They were always rather negative about it. It was weird for them.

I dont know. People are really judgemental and i guess it scares me to the point im paralyzed by that fear.

I've been seriously thinking about therapy for about 2 years now, but im always thinking to myself "what if that ""specialist"" won't care enough to actually help me".

Also i agree with what you've said. I'm not hurting anyone when i'm living the way i want, but the problem is people can hurt me. I dont want to care but sadly i do care what people think, and i'm thinking therapy could help me with that too.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
6,101
Location
Nashua NH
How you are is simply the way that you are. There is nothing wrong with it except that it makes you uncomfortable. Seeing a therapist would be helpful so you could learn how to cope with these desires and how to incorporate them into your life in a healthy way that you are comfortable with. A therapist would also be important if you were considering pursuing gender resssignment surgery. I am glad that you have found community and comfort in the transgender community. I wonder if it might be helpful to reach out and connect with more people to glean some additional support there. xo, j
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
3,281
Location
London, ON
IT may be you're transgender, it may mean you are a cross dresser. Or that you prefer a mix of gender behaviours.

I don't exactly understand how you must feel, but I don't have to - this is about how you feel yourself.

do what feels right for you.
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
5,592
Location
England
You are you, whatever mix of genders or anything else, you are unique. I wouldn't overthink this, just be yourself.

There is very little difference nowadays between male and female types. It is a scale from male to female and we can be anywhere on that scale. Some people go up and down it.

I'm probably way on the female side, to look at me, but then i also think in a very male way, male brained, i have been told.

It doesn't matter. People like me for me. My friends like me and we don't talk about details.
 
FlowerBox

FlowerBox

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 7, 2020
Messages
888
Location
Here
Hello I am trans and I can say I relate to a lot of what you have said here. It's a bit different because I was born female but I relate in a strange way, because now that I am transitioning and I look more male, I find myself wanting to wear more female clothes as I am getting more comfortable with my body...

Firstly, you know it makes you feel good to dress this way...hold onto that. Keep that in mind. For a moment, forget about circumstances and picture yourself. What do you look like? What clothes are you wearing? How is your hair? Do you have makeup on?

You also know this is not a fetish or sexual thing for you..hold onto that too. You said it makes you feel good for people to think you are female..that really sounds to me like the possibility you could be trans. But I want to ask now..how do you feel about your body?

I'm sorry if this is kind of personal but I want you to think to yourself, is there anything about your body that you wish was more female-like? You mentioned you are short and slim so I also imagine that kind of works in your favor, like maybe you're not super uncomfortable with it because you are short and slim. But i just mention this because this was (in my case) the key indicator of being trans. But I can imagine...if I had a more boyish body, I may not have even considered hormones or surgery

I understand this being a very confusing thing to figure out. It was super confusing for me. I'm not saying you are trans but I do think you should talk to a therapist about it, someone who has experience with trans people, if you can find one. I don't know how this sort of thing is treated in Poland. I was paralyzed out of fear for so long too and now I can say though I am not exactly where I want to be yet, I am more comfortable with myself than ever, even if I am still a bit uncomfortable around other people, but feeling like you KNOW yourself...is the first step to being yourself around others too.
 
O

Orzeszek00

Member
Joined
Nov 28, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Poland
Firstly, you know it makes you feel good to dress this way...hold onto that. Keep that in mind. For a moment, forget about circumstances and picture yourself. What do you look like? What clothes are you wearing? How is your hair? Do you have makeup on?
Hey. Thanks for your reply. It's been really comforting to read.

Honestly. Recently i dont look at myself as a male at all. Everytime im thinking, or fantasizing about my life i see myself as a female. Also, whenever i am in a bathroom looking in the mirror, i'm trying to pose in angles so that my face can look more feminine. To be fair, i do that for over 6 months right now, multiple times per day.

I even realized that sometimes im getting upset when i cant see anything feminine about myself in the mirror. It happens especially when im tired, after a long and exhausting day.

You also know this is not a fetish or sexual thing for you..hold onto that too. You said it makes you feel good for people to think you are female..that really sounds to me like the possibility you could be trans. But I want to ask now..how do you feel about your body?
That's a great question. I dont like my body. Something that i forgot to mention earlier is that i've been actually considering, for a past month, buying silicone breast forms. Again, nothing sexual, but i just wanted to change the shape of my body underneath my clothes.

When it comes to "the bottom parts", there were and still are days that im getting genuenly upset when im taking a shower. I've been often "tucking" certain parts with my hand just so i can look at the shape of my body. And to be completely honest, i felt better looking like this.

Also, im not sure if thats normal, i've been often checking the shape of my body in the mirror, especially my hips.

Im often looking at myself to find any feminine qualities. Does that say anything?
 
M

ManDss

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 24, 2020
Messages
541
Location
Argentina
Hey. Thanks for your response.

Thats actually the reason why am i anxious about it. Honestly, im afraid to come out with my feelings and attitude because i am afraid that people will shame me for it and will try to push me into being more manly, instead of trying to help me understand who i really am.

I used to have brief conversations about topics like that with my family or friends, but not about myself. More like "hey, check that video of a guy, who turned into a girl". They were always rather negative about it. It was weird for them.

I dont know. People are really judgemental and i guess it scares me to the point im paralyzed by that fear.

I've been seriously thinking about therapy for about 2 years now, but im always thinking to myself "what if that ""specialist"" won't care enough to actually help me".

Also i agree with what you've said. I'm not hurting anyone when i'm living the way i want, but the problem is people can hurt me. I dont want to care but sadly i do care what people think, and i'm thinking therapy could help me with that too.
Try with therapy. But dont tell your family yet. See what a therapist tell you. Ask to the therapist what are their thoughts about transgenders or gay peiople, to see if they are in the line of "its not ok" or "yes, it happens to some people".

Try do therapy. But yea, its stresful to find a good therapist, you are who pick your therañpist, u have to say "i feel good with this one". Hace talks.

But again, dont be anxious.
 
FlowerBox

FlowerBox

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 7, 2020
Messages
888
Location
Here
Hey. Thanks for your reply. It's been really comforting to read.

Honestly. Recently i dont look at myself as a male at all. Everytime im thinking, or fantasizing about my life i see myself as a female. Also, whenever i am in a bathroom looking in the mirror, i'm trying to pose in angles so that my face can look more feminine. To be fair, i do that for over 6 months right now, multiple times per day.

I even realized that sometimes im getting upset when i cant see anything feminine about myself in the mirror. It happens especially when im tired, after a long and exhausting day.



That's a great question. I dont like my body. Something that i forgot to mention earlier is that i've been actually considering, for a past month, buying silicone breast forms. Again, nothing sexual, but i just wanted to change the shape of my body underneath my clothes.

When it comes to "the bottom parts", there were and still are days that im getting genuenly upset when im taking a shower. I've been often "tucking" certain parts with my hand just so i can look at the shape of my body. And to be completely honest, i felt better looking like this.

Also, im not sure if thats normal, i've been often checking the shape of my body in the mirror, especially my hips.

Im often looking at myself to find any feminine qualities. Does that say anything?
That REALLY sounds like you could be trans. Don't rush yourself to come to a conclusion and tell everyone, this is really something you can take your time with and honestly, you don't have to tell absolutely everyone if you don't want to. Do you think you will be able to find a therapist or specialist to talk to?
 
O

Orzeszek00

Member
Joined
Nov 28, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Poland
Do you think you will be able to find a therapist or specialist to talk to?
I think so. I've looked into it and have found a few psychologist and sexologist offices in my city. I'm gonna try to make some calls and maybe ask if they have any experience on that field.

Thanks again. You are extremely helpful.
 
M

ManDss

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 24, 2020
Messages
541
Location
Argentina
, but the problem is people can hurt me. .
Thats something to take in consideration.
When I think about how the life of a transgender could be, I think on this. I dont know how you will take this, but maybe you can live a non transgender life for the public, and fine momments to be transgender, like in LGBTQ partys, reunions, etc. Until you consider if its good to make this public.

Again, therapy its good, even if your therapist dont give you the best advices, just talk loud this is good. To take it out of your system.
 
O

Orzeszek00

Member
Joined
Nov 28, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Poland
Thats something to take in consideration.
When I think about how the life of a transgender could be, I think on this. I dont know how you will take this, but maybe you can live a non transgender life for the public, and fine momments to be transgender, like in LGBTQ partys, reunions, etc. Until you consider if its good to make this public.

Again, therapy its good, even if your therapist dont give you the best advices, just talk loud this is good. To take it out of your system.
That's true. I've been always very quiet about my issues and feelings, so right now i'm feeling like it's eating me from the inside.

The more think about it, the more im convinced its gonna help me. Step by step i could be starting to gain a confidence i've never had.

It's definitely interesting point of view, but i think it wouldn't be enough for me. I feel kind of supressed in my daily life already. It seems to me like my life doesnt suit me. But yea, i will think about it. Maybe there are some LGBTQ communities in my area.

Thanks!
 
Top