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ARFID is taking over my life

R

rippedpetals

New member
Joined
May 19, 2021
Messages
1
Location
montana
I am writing this now because I have not eaten all day and I have no desire to eat despite feeling the pain I am putting my body through as it starves. I feel stuck because I want to get better, I've always wanted to get better but this mental illness has taken over my life at this point.

When I was in high school (my personal empty, lonely hell) I had little access to healthcare/a doctor and no access to any form of mental healthcare including therapy. I told my doctor I was worried about myself because I couldn't gain weight and I was a very very picky eater. After our 20 minute max appointment she handed me a pamphlet that I never read and I rarely saw her again.

I am almost 21 years old and only a year ago I started researching about eating disorders on my own and discovered ARFID. I lived my life identified as "a picky eater" and it caused threats of feeding tubes from my parents, verbal and physical frustration from parents, grandparents, siblings, friends, teachers, all of those around me when I was trying to find something to eat, it caused isolation from those who could eat normal meals and probably so much more that I've blocked out from my bad memory.

I have never identified with something more than when I was reading the physical, mental/cerebral, emotional symptoms of ARFID. I have never had body image issues other than hoping all my life that I'd get this magical "growth spurt" that would turn me into a real adult and change my palette so I could eat more foods and not be stuck with this underweight mess.

Now that I know this is a myriad of mental illnesses causing me not to nourish my body like I should, I have become self aware that this is a problem and I cannot solve it alone. I have been independent for way too long and being alone only triggers me more. Ever since I moved out my disorder has worsened. I have few foods that I enjoy and I eat those foods regularly because other foods disgust me in ways. After a while though, these foods start to disgust me too. I become tired of the texture and taste of chicken nuggets/strips, chicken meat, Mac and cheese, cheese tortellini, eggs and toast, apples, bananas, green beans, cheeseburgers with ketchup only, French fries, etc. and these are literally some of the only foods I "like." At the end of the day I have an aversion to eating in general. I have a sweet tooth, so sugar and some carbs help me stay alive when I don't eat anything else. I am an awful cook so making and eating food by myself feels impossible. I am so "picky" that if I mess anything up while cooking and it tastes off at all, I become extremely disappointed and triggered.

It takes a lot of courage for someone this engrossed in their disorder to finally choose something, cook it myself, and eat it myself. When it goes wrong (like most times) I feel this wave of what the fuck am I even trying for? I feel even worse about myself when I end up wasting food like always. Horrid.

I feel awful about what I'm doing to my body and the mental state that I am in. I think to myself: I wish I could live my life without eating food, without having to make the DREADFUL choice of "what am I gonna eat now?" cause I gotta eat at some point right? The story of MY LIFE has become "what am I gonna eat?" and I fucking hate it. I could go on and on about what symptoms and gastrointestinal problems I may have and how embarrassing it is for me but I'll save that for therapy.

I am meeting with the first therapist that might understand me tomorrow, but I would really value being able to talk to others that go through the same struggles as me.

I have always been an outsider but this disorder only intensifies my loneliness and I need help. I don't want to eat but I don't want to ruin my body and die more.
 
R

RockyMountainsGirl

Well-known member
Joined
May 1, 2021
Messages
190
Location
Alberta, Canada
It's great that you're meeting with a therapist. You won't have to worry that you're all alone with what you're going through. You can trust that you'll get some support and advice.

Like you, I'm hard on myself. In my head, I 'beat myself up' because I trying to get over my issues. I hope your therapist helps you realize you're coping as best you can on your own and help is on the way.

I was malnourished as a child and told repeatedly I was anemic. I couldn't eat either, but in my case my parents caused the illness.

I eventually started eating by putting food in my mouth and spitting it out if I didn't like it. This way I could try food. Some I liked, and some I didn't like. I didn't eat what I didn't want to eat, but I did start eating more.
 

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