Are you "love shy"?

[jajingna]

I recall seeing this term before, think it was associated with some infamous incel site or movement? Besides all that I'm sure it is a real condition. Maybe not that common, maybe it is a term used mostly for men? It just occurred to me today it could describe a lot of what I've experienced in the past. I've only had a couple of girlfriends in the past, neither were long term. On both those occasions I moved away for work. They were good, there was intimacy, I didn't have a problem with that. The women were sad to see me go, but I needed to find work elsewhere.

It has been a long time. I never got with anybody back in uni, not till I was over 30 actually. I've had plenty of chances, think I just let fears rule the day too often. Now I'm over 50, have a few regrets. Wondering if I'll ever have any sort of relationship again. I'm not unattractive, a bit quiet and reserved.

Well, I've been obsessing over past encounters from like eight years ago all the way back to 30 years ago, and that's no good. It's tiresome. But I have no social life these days, just stay in my room most of the time, get walks, no job. I'm not feeling desperate or anything. Just feel like this term "love shy" could help explain some issues I had in the past.

 

[Tawny]

I have also looked back with regret because i chased the fun and gorgeous one and brushed off the ones that wanted me, that didn't seem as exciting and attractive. Stupid me.

Those lovely faces in my mind of those good decent men who were present and aware, ready for me to show interest too. Gone and married some other lucky lady.

Some silly women like me, maybe it was the hypomania, but i wanted fun and excitement, new, different, far away, and so i brushed off that nice man ten minutes up the road.

You aren't too old. Me either. I am not cut out for children anyway, probably. I'd quite like to find a nice husband for myself now and am still fussy but in a completely different way. I'd want someone serious and steady, stable, regular, reliable and lovely.

There was a song i listened to growing up where the lyrics were 'i'm a little bit love shy'. R&B record i think.

 

[JessisMe]

I would describe myself as being highly love avoidant. I tend to become attracted to men for the wrong reasons and end up getting hurt. I haven’t had a lot of healthy relationships lately and so am avoiding them altogether for the time being. I don’t know how well I do in relationships in general so I think I’m better off alone. xo, j

 

[Hillman hunter]

i had a very bad relationship and it kind of messed me up, unable to trust now , its a failing on my part , as i know there are good people out there , the last person who showed an interest in me , i just got scared and fled ,
i cant even cope with friendships

 

[irwin]

I'm not good with people in general. I have some serious issues.

 

[jajingna]

Glad to get some replies. I kick myself for not going for it on several occasions, even though those times are long ago. I was interested and attracted to them, and some were interested in me, but still I didn't make the effort really. Something held me back, and that confuses me still, probably part of the reason I ruminate and obsess on those occasions even though they were long ago. Kind of annoying having old memories resurface and float around like that.

 

[rawlinsc]

I have dated and had girlfriends. I want to date again eventually but I have anxiety over it.

 

[natalie]

Hi,all,or rat her Hi Folks/Hi All,

I am certainly not love shy as you put it. From many many years ago, my strong mutual admirer took me completely out of i'll call it, my shy self, and I haven't looked back at all., since.


Best regards.

 

[MarieRose]

I fail at relationships.I often want the more attractive interesting unattainable guys instead of the nice,interested more dull types.If they are interested in me it tends to put me off but if they act unavailable then it seems to make me want them more.Because of covid and lockdowns we aren't mixing much and having opportunities to mix and socialise,I am a loner anyway,fear close relationships and most of my life I suffered social anxiety,social phobia and panic attacks,I spent many years agoraphobic with low self esteem and no confidence and I had issues with my body image.I do not feel confident in situations where I find myself attracted to someone and have the prospect of intimacy and love come up.I always feel like I am not worthy of love and that the other person could probably do much better than me and that I do not deserve them.Some of the men that show interest in me I find ugly and repulsive and I feel do they really think they are in my league that I am so low in the pecking scale that they have a chance with me,I am much too good for him.Is that arrogant or just true,I am attractive I have been told that over the years but lots of men who fancy their chances with me are so unatractive and badly groomed and make little effort with their appearance.Yet they feel entitled to get with me because I am approachable,kind,understanding,caring and nice,and they mistake that as a signal that they stand a chance which if I am honest they don't cos they repulse me.

 

[PetitPois]

I have been in a relationship for over 20yrs. It hasn't been romantic for over 11yrs. It really isn't what can be called a proper relationship. I am scared of hurting him and separating would be difficult financially. I have started questioning myself as to whether I will have the chance of a proper relationship.

At the age of 45, I don't know. I think I have been love shy for the last decade of my life and with my mental health illness time has just escaped me. I would like to think I could look at a future with some sort of happiness with a partner in the true sense. I only recently started to consider it. I think in some ways the continuation of my current relationship is almost a shield to prevent it.

 

[SidSid]

Glad I'm not alone when it comes to struggling with love! I think for the most part I get too bogged down with what I think I like in a prospective partner and forget all about what I actually need. I guess one thing being stuck at home has helped with is thinking about what I need from my partner to feel content in the relationship, but also how to express that. I think thats what I struggle with the most

 

[Ozymandias]

I recall seeing this term before, think it was associated with some infamous incel site or movement? Besides all that I'm sure it is a real condition. Maybe not that common, maybe it is a term used mostly for men? It just occurred to me today it could describe a lot of what I've experienced in the past. I've only had a couple of girlfriends in the past, neither were long term. On both those occasions I moved away for work. They were good, there was intimacy, I didn't have a problem with that. The women were sad to see me go, but I needed to find work elsewhere.

It has been a long time. I never got with anybody back in uni, not till I was over 30 actually. I've had plenty of chances, think I just let fears rule the day too often. Now I'm over 50, have a few regrets. Wondering if I'll ever have any sort of relationship again. I'm not unattractive, a bit quiet and reserved.

Well, I've been obsessing over past encounters from like eight years ago all the way back to 30 years ago, and that's no good. It's tiresome. But I have no social life these days, just stay in my room most of the time, get walks, no job. I'm not feeling desperate or anything. Just feel like this term "love shy" could help explain some issues I had in the past.

I identify with the overall concept, but I don't like the actual term 'love shy'... I think it minimises the underlying processes which, in my opinion, go way beyond mere 'shyness'. Also, you are correct in that there's an association between the term and the whole 'incel' thing, and I certainly wouldn't want to associate myself with anything tarred by that particular brush. As much as anything else, I think it's very difficult to have positive, constructive interaction with a lot of people on any subject that has incel connotations.

Glad to get some replies. I kick myself for not going for it on several occasions, even though those times are long ago. I was interested and attracted to them, and some were interested in me, but still I didn't make the effort really. Something held me back, and that confuses me still, probably part of the reason I ruminate and obsess on those occasions even though they were long ago. Kind of annoying having old memories resurface and float around like that.

I don't know why, but that makes me think of a girl who had a thing for me when I was 17-18. I thought she was pretty, but I'd literally never spoken to her so I had no idea how well we'd get along, and while it was very flattering to hear of how she apparently spoke about me (we had mutual friends who passed this stuff on... nowadays I think it was a bit mean of them - to her - to do that), it also put me off... it felt like she'd built up this image of me that I could never live up to, so I didn't do anything because I was scared of turning out to be a disappointment in her eyes.

I'm also wondering whether there's someone at the moment who I might have a chance with if I say something to her... I know her through playing sport, and while opportunites to socialise are currently limited, nevertheless I've been able to do so with her on occasion after matches. Don't get me wrong, I'm far from certain... it's just a feeling, but it seems significant because it's a feeling - romantic optimism - that I very rarely get.

Some of the men that show interest in me I find ugly and repulsive and I feel do they really think they are in my league that I am so low in the pecking scale that they have a chance with me,I am much too good for him.Is that arrogant or just true,I am attractive I have been told that over the years but lots of men who fancy their chances with me are so unatractive and badly groomed and make little effort with their appearance.Yet they feel entitled to get with me because I am approachable,kind,understanding,caring and nice,and they mistake that as a signal that they stand a chance which if I am honest they don't cos they repulse me.

I think you're being harsh... I mean, sure - you can't help it if you're not physically attracted to someone - but at the same time is it really necessary to be as dismissive as your words come across? To take someone's interest and apparently be insulted by it just because they don't meet your standards? To talk about being 'much too good' for people just because of their appearance?

And someone asking you out doesn't intrinsically mean that they feel 'entitled' to you (depending on how they do it, of course).

 

[Goiugoiu333]

You’re situation sounds a hell of a lot like mine. I’m 20 years old and would say I suffer from relationship anxiety which has unfortunately caused me to miss out on numerous chances with girls that were interested in me.

I have been considered to be a good looking guy which makes me feel like my expectations of getting girls are high. I have no problems at all talking to girls but it’s the second I start catching feelings or see she’s in to me that the anxiety overwhelms me to the point I’m so in my head around her that I just get extremely awkward.

I find myself thinking back on every little event and thing said between my last relationship and just can’t get over the thoughts of how it could have gone differently if I said this or if I hadn’t done that would she still be around. I feel you when you said there’s just something that was holding you back and I’ve yet to fully figure out what it is and why I can’t get close to a girl without being overwhelmed with anxiety at all times.

 

[MarieRose]

I identify with the overall concept, but I don't like the actual term 'love shy'... I think it minimises the underlying processes which, in my opinion, go way beyond mere 'shyness'. Also, you are correct in that there's an association between the term and the whole 'incel' thing, and I certainly wouldn't want to associate myself with anything tarred by that particular brush. As much as anything else, I think it's very difficult to have positive, constructive interaction with a lot of people on any subject that has incel connotations.


I don't know why, but that makes me think of a girl who had a thing for me when I was 17-18. I thought she was pretty, but I'd literally never spoken to her so I had no idea how well we'd get along, and while it was very flattering to hear of how she apparently spoke about me (we had mutual friends who passed this stuff on... nowadays I think it was a bit mean of them - to her - to do that), it also put me off... it felt like she'd built up this image of me that I could never live up to, so I didn't do anything because I was scared of turning out to be a disappointment in her eyes.

I'm also wondering whether there's someone at the moment who I might have a chance with if I say something to her... I know her through playing sport, and while opportunites to socialise are currently limited, nevertheless I've been able to do so with her on occasion after matches. Don't get me wrong, I'm far from certain... it's just a feeling, but it seems significant because it's a feeling - romantic optimism - that I very rarely get.


I think you're being harsh... I mean, sure - you can't help it if you're not physically attracted to someone - but at the same time is it really necessary to be as dismissive as your words come across? To take someone's interest and apparently be insulted by it just because they don't meet your standards? To talk about being 'much too good' for people just because of their appearance?

And someone asking you out doesn't intrinsically mean that they feel 'entitled' to you (depending on how they do it, of course).

I can't help if I find someone repulsive and instinctively feel insulted that they think they are in my league,but I see what you are saying,maybe in my old age my looks have faded and I am just as low when it comes to the pecking order than they are,maybe they are in my league and I just don't see,not meaning to be harsh just explains factually and truthfully how I respond.I'm not saying I am too good for them just that they are not on my level and meet a lot of my deal breaking standards.This isn't a must date thing is it? It's a personal choice we are all entitled to say no when it comes to dating....however I take your point and I am lacking something myself otherwise I wouldn't be 57 years old,single with hardly any experience in going out with anyone!I have been much too fussy and focused on looks I admit but not in the way I come across,a lot of the men I 've been attracted to were very good looking but I rejected them because they had lousy,sexist,abusive personalities!But the nice ones were very ugly and I couldn't find them attractive physically.I couldn't make my body dance however much I wanted to!

 

[Mario82]

I can't help if I find someone repulsive and instinctively feel insulted that they think they are in my league,but I see what you are saying,maybe in my old age my looks have faded and I am just as low when it comes to the pecking order than they are,maybe they are in my league and I just don't see,not meaning to be harsh just explains factually and truthfully how I respond.I'm not saying I am too good for them just that they are not on my level and meet a lot of my deal breaking standards.This isn't a must date thing is it? It's a personal choice we are all entitled to say no when it comes to dating....however I take your point and I am lacking something myself otherwise I wouldn't be 57 years old,single with hardly any experience in going out with anyone!I have been much too fussy and focused on looks I admit but not in the way I come across,a lot of the men I 've been attracted to were very good looking but I rejected them because they had lousy,sexist,abusive personalities!But the nice ones were very ugly and I couldn't find them attractive physically.I couldn't make my body dance however much I wanted to!

What does 'very ugly' mean? Looks are subjective apparently. I think a lot of guys who some women call good looking are ugly tbh, fame-wise. Maybe you were just being harsh or your standards in looks are way too picky? I doubt all those 'nice guys' were that bad, and comments like 'they repulsed me' really aren't helpful for men on here who have low self-esteem. To a lot of men who read that that women are very judgemental, it isn't helpful.