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Are these NPD or BPD thoughts

D

DaveSanta999

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Feb 9, 2020
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So I know I have one of those disorders but I think I’m probably more likely BPD or maybe covert narcissist but I doubt it.

So the way I think is: I hate when my sibling goes out and has fun. They are having fun and I’m bored and doing nothing and I feel shitty. What if they find a relationship and they’ll have less time for me. However, when I have something fun to do I dont care about them as much and don’t care if I won’t be spending time with them or not as long as I’m doing something fun and not feeling lonely. I assume it’s BPD and fear of abandonment?

And I get this feeling with my friends as well. For example if they have friends outside of me or they’re in a relationship I feel like the other people try to turn my friends against me. Sometimes when I think of bad things happening to them, it would give me a sense of satisfaction. For example them having a life issue or they get addicted to drugs and their life gets ruined and I know I’d probably enjoy that happening to them. However, I’d never myself do anything bad to anyone.

I just love when people spend their time on me, I hate having nothing to do.

I feel like I’m probably BPD the only reason I said NPD is because my dad is an obvious case of a grandiose narcissist with potentially antisocial personality disorder.

I guess I like to daydream of being like a powerful leader, people writing articles about me, documentaries, make edits of me as I’d love to be a president. That makes me think I may have narcissistic tendencies.

When I know someone will not leave me no matter what, for example my parents, I don’t care as much about agreeing with them and I don’t have do things their way. But with my friends I feel like I’m more submissive as they usually decide what we do and when, because when I try to decide and they say no to my idea then I’m fucked as I depend on them to do things if you get me. So it’s like they’re in charge of everything we do. That’s why I doubt I’m narcissistic as I never determine anything I’m usually a ‘follower’ but I daydream of being a leader.

Also I feel like with each person I’m a different personality. Like with a person that likes to party and stuff I’ll be an outgoing type that likes to go crazy and party. But then with a chill friend I’ll be acting more intelligent but I’ll still try to show off my crazy side to show off that I’m not a boring person and I have a wild side but I’ll try to tell them that recently I became more aware of my life and tried to make my life better and I calmed down a bit, but I’m still a cool guy that isn’t boring.

I try to act with people that I’m kind of arrogant and stuff because I’d hate for people to think of me as a geek or nerd type I try to be the opposite of a geek or nerd so I try to come of as someone opposite of a nerd and I try to dress in expensive clothes. Idk I feel like when you’re seen as a geek or nerd you’re seen as someone less cool in my eyes. I know I’m not a nerd though because I don’t have nerd type interests.

So can anyone relate to the way I think? I’m thinking I’m probably BPD due to the extreme fear of abandonment, my mood is all over the place and Im quite a submissive type person ‘a follower’. But I do try to be more of a leader type but it doesn’t always work out.
 
P

Purpleplum

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Sounds like you just have low self esteem. I don't see either of those disorders in you. Those disorders involve meeting many characteristics. Yours is basically just jealousy due to low self esteem.
 
U

Until

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doesn't sound like BPD.
 
LittleMissNameless

LittleMissNameless

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So can anyone relate to the way I think? I’m thinking I’m probably BPD due to the extreme fear of abandonment, my mood is all over the place and Im quite a submissive type person ‘a follower’. But I do try to be more of a leader type but it doesn’t always work out.
I'm trying to really not get offended because you are probably just some kid with limited experience who is figuring themselves out but is this what you think living with this disorder is like? It's a little insulting to look at us like this, we are just people not caricatures.
Like said above nothing you said is reminiscent of BPD symptoms, however you are clearly struggeling and might have anxiety, talk to a professional to work out if you are searching for explanations of what wrong with you, you are atleast marginally distressed by your symptoms and that is enough to justify seeing a professional to figure it out.
 
Wishbone

Wishbone

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You mentioned your dad. If your dad is a strong 'traditional' type, what you sometimes get is a kid that either grows up to be just like him, or one that grows up to be completely intimidated by him: I take it you are the latter? You can, because of inadequacy and the like, grow to both dislike and desire this same strong way of being; you want it but you hate it. But being conflicted and 'trying to be' rather than just being whatever it is that you are, is only going to lead to confusion. You're putting on acts for people; just be the real you, people will see through an act in the end.
 
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