Are relationships difficult???

[RubyAnn]

Are relationships difficult or am i just making them difficult??

throughtout the past 10 years i have pushed so many friends/bf's away and now i hardly have any one left....

i am soo grateful for the people who have stuck by me through everything

i recently met a bloke, who has also had mental health problems, and i like him, he has tried to help me, and i thought i could always to talk to him about things...but in the past few weeks i feel like i cant trust him anymore... i am getting serious paranoia... and i dont know what to do... i dont feel like i can talk to him anymore.... i hate burderning other people with my problems....

and this is how i push people away.... he'll get fed up of me

 

[Dollit]

I find relationships incredibly difficult. The ones that last are the ones that are work connected because then you have distinct boundaries. This is especially true of the voluntary work that I do at the moment as we have specific ways of working and behaving when we work and it binds us together quite tightly. One of my closest friends was my GP for several months and we just got on so well we kept in touch, that works because we declared it unconditional on both sides and he's probably the one person in the world that I'm never afraid of losing.

But as for "partners" well, I feel sometimes I just don't have what it takes to make those relationships work. I'm afraid of telling my partners too much in case they can't cope - the look on a friend's face recently when I was talking of a particular subject was awful, he really cares about me and that makes me scared of losing him.

My GP said to me recently that he thinks people with MH problems suffer from an overload of information - we see too much, we hear too much, we feel too much, everything bombards us. Any relationship with that in it would be more difficult that what would be considered the norm.

 

[Lozzi_1004]

Over the past two years I've lost soooo many friends because of episodes and I can't cope with it! It's not as if it's an acquaintance - they're people who I'm supposed to call "best" friends. I have 4 REAL friends who know about the bipolar and who understand completely... even though I very rarely talk about it because I don't like to burden them with my problems. Even still they'll come round, ring or text just to see if I'm OK.

I've always had trouble with boyfriends too, they don't know what to do when I'm in an episode so usually ignore me or they haven't a clue what my illness is!! My recent ex for example didn't know what the hell to do when I was SH and suicidal. Because of this I ended it and I have a new boyfriend who (luckily) understands and loves me for who I am - which I'm still trying to get used to. I keep thinking I'm going to mess it all up

If you have even one person in your life, like Dollit has GP, and they'll stick by you through thick & thin then they are truly your friend and this bloke sounds lovely! Try and talk to him about your fears (paranoid or not) or even write them in a letter to him I can't talk about my problems so I leave everyone letters!

Lozzi

 

[RubyAnn]

this bloke is lovely.... and has been a really good friend to me. i do try and talk to him but i hate to burden him with my problems.... [he doesn't know i fancy him, best to keep it that way i think.]

 

[Lozzi_1004]

How about just keeping him as a friend for now and when you start feeling a little better see if he likes you in the same way?? That's how me and my boyfriend got together! We've been best friends for 4 years and he just came out with that he loved me - so we took a risk and got together and I'm glad I did .

If he's really your friend he'll sit and listen to your problems regardless, you aren't burdening him, you're talking to him.


Lozzi

 

[RubyAnn]

Thank you Lozzi

 

[Lozzi_1004]

You're welcome

 

[honeyquince]

Hi there.

Dollit - your reply is fascinating and rings many bells for me.

I really worry about telling my OH anything much as I know that they will really worry and at the moment their worry spills over into anger with my illness and I just can't cope with that at the moment. I have to keep reminding myself that my experiences during the time that I have been ill are far from normal and will shock most people while I just think of it as everyday. Like everyday I think of SH or suicide, this doesn't mean to say that I'll carry out the thoughts but the thoughts are there as persistant thoughts. I really freaked my sister out one day when I had one of those moments where you think to yourself - should I tell them how it is or should I keep up the pretence... well I told her how it is and she found it very difficult... wondering wether she should sit on me until the psychs arrived.

All this hiding of the reality of your illness inevitably puts a strain on any relationship. For me it's like I can't say how I'm really feeling and yet I need to be able to off load somehow... BINGO - MHF! I'm lucky that my OH and my sister and sticking by me but I do feel that it gets quite stressed as we all know that I'm probably being less than honest.

 

[jamesdean]

yeah but

honey dont u think that its nice 2 feel that u r in the normal world some times n that its like a little game that no 1 else knows your playing!
i have a brother n the whole family life is consumed by his health conditions he is so negative n the glass is always half empty, u c my oh is natually very optimistic n it rubs off on me sometimes there r times when i think he couldnt give a f**k about my mh condition, n he doesnt even want 2, but equally i dont ask him about things, most of the time i will try 2 understand what is normal i may not feel that way. relationships r not easy but they r not impossiable n u hit the nail on the head MHF. N THERE R OTHER AVENUES have u seen the film caberat where sally goes under the railway bridge screeming, i do that n sing the one republic's 2 late 2 apolgize, n i get rid of loads of anger!

 

[clareg87]

not sure what to do

I'm so glad I found this forum thread as I've been thinking the same things. Whenever I'm in a relationship I end up pushing them away with my negative thinking. Like at the moment, I'm with this guy and he's lovely and really trying to help but I can't seem to take it in at all. He'll give me a compliment and I'll forget it. He's off to uni on Saturday and I'm so scared that he'll meet someone else but instead of relaxing and letting things go a bit, I keep getting angry at him which pushes him away anyway. I don't know what to do anymore. Would it be easier to break up with him even though I care about him a stupid amount? I don't know how to change otherwise. It's easier to say that i'll think more positive but negative thoughts just completely override everything.
Please help, its driving me mad now.

Thanks
Clare

 

[Dollit]

So many people have the same worries that separation will affect their relationships - why not talk to him and see how he feels?

 

[companion]

I remember in my youth I always feared I would be alone, because I never accepted my sexuality. I assumed that I would never find anyone that would accept me for being me. I went into the first few relationships believing this. I think that my insecurities coupled with my lack of acceptance made me volatile to emotional explosions (not physical). I used to do everything I could to try and please my that partner, tell them what they wanted to hear, just so I could feel like I was worth something. I think this is why 2 of the relationships were abusive.

Anyway, to cut the story short the last abusive relationship broke me. I became severly depressed and lost all hope. I ended up being saved by a policeman that happened upon the door for a totally unrelated reason. After a period in hospital and being rehoused, I started to accept that I was worth more than all my previous experiences. I accepted myself finally. I was worth something and deserved so much better. Now I am happily married with someone that I trust and love very much. I can tell them anything that bothers me and they accept me for being me.

What I am saying in amongst all my waffle is that sometimes you have to let worries and connections with the past go to trust him. Listen to your instincts, but try to see through all the worries and insecurities that may be there. I used to over analyse everything in my past relationships, and that just made it so much worse for me. Now I just go with the flow. Of course relationships of any kind are very hard for everyone. I restrict my relationships on all levels to just a few, because otherwise I start to feel pressured into having to conform to certain expecations.

I hope that this has helped support what has been said here so far. Take things slowly and try and talk to him about how you feel. Maybe he feels the same, but is scared to say anything in case you reject him.

Take care

Companion

 

[ramboghettouk]

Remember one clinical psychologist saying "schitsoprenics shouldn't have jobs or relationships because jobs and relationships are stressful"

Don't know relationships are part of life even robinson crusoe had man friday

No ones an island despite the egoism that ws pushed in tory years and is still today

 

[companion]

Personally, if a clinical psychologist is using the term "schizophrenics" to label people who have this illness, then in my opinion, I do not think they should be practicing. To me, this term is offensive and demonstrates that this psychologist sees their patients as a mental illness, rather than individuals with different needs. Depsite sharing a common illness, everyone is still an individual and more than their illness.

I would have thought a psychologist would have great problems with maintaining relationships, because their respective partners would be afraid they would be constantly under analysis. Psychologists jobs are stressful; therefore, they should not be giving advice like that in my opinion.

Addtionally, I am aware my statments are generalised, but a psychologist making a statement like that just infuriates me.

Take care

Companion

 

[ramboghettouk]

When i worked for social services and they found out i was schitzoprenic, ergo i couldn't do my job, thats the reality of social workers attitudes, thats my experience of the world of social work, i wasn't a social worker however