• Hi. It’s great to see you. Welcome!

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life. Amongst our membership there is a wealth of expertise that has been developed through having to deal with mental health issues.

    We are an actively moderated forum with a team of experienced moderators. We also have a specialist safety team that works extra hard to keep the forum safe for visitors and members.

    Register now to access many more features and forums!

Are people with BPD attracted to addicts?

Shiva

Shiva

Active member
Joined
Nov 15, 2019
Messages
30
Location
Canada
Hi everyone,
So I am just feeling so low about things right now. I was madly in love for 1.5 years with a man who had a history of addiction. He got sober and we dated and it was wonderful. He relapsed a few months later and got into drugs he had never been into before...really hard drugs. I dont even recognize this person anymore though I still love him. I broke up with him because I couldn't take the drug use anymore. He was so fucking angry. He blamed everything on me. His relapse, the state he is in now. He says I "do this to men" and I destroy their lives. I am just struggling so hard with this guilt. I still am in love with him and I know I am hard to deal with but could I really be the reason for a persons addiction? Every man I have been with says I am too flirty and too provocative. He knows I had a history of cheating but I never cheated on him. He wont even speak to me now and all he feels for me is absolute anger. It is so devastating for me. Do I do this to people? Is my BPD the reason that I destroy relationships? And despite how much he has put me down and called the worst names ... whore slut everything on a regular basis I still have feelings for him. He blames me for everything. I just feel that I am starting to believe it.

I know having him out of my life is necessary. Especially with my job at the university coming in the new year I just can't deal with this type of volatile relationship anymore. I know this post is all over the place but I guess I just want an honest answer. Could it be my fault he relapsed? Do I really ruin mens lives? He is not the first person who has said this to me before. I am struggling so much with this guilt and I just feel like I will never be able to have a relationship without hurting the person or making them hate me. I just feel like a horrible person right now. I dont know what is real or not. I just need some objective views that aren't my own because I am in such a cycle of self loathing and hatred right now and all I hear in my head are his words.
 
Lunus

Lunus

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,068
Location
Norfolk
Hi everyone,
So I am just feeling so low about things right now. I was madly in love for 1.5 years with a man who had a history of addiction. He got sober and we dated and it was wonderful. He relapsed a few months later and got into drugs he had never been into before...really hard drugs. I dont even recognize this person anymore though I still love him. I broke up with him because I couldn't take the drug use anymore. He was so fucking angry. He blamed everything on me. His relapse, the state he is in now. He says I "do this to men" and I destroy their lives. I am just struggling so hard with this guilt. I still am in love with him and I know I am hard to deal with but could I really be the reason for a persons addiction? Every man I have been with says I am too flirty and too provocative. He knows I had a history of cheating but I never cheated on him. He wont even speak to me now and all he feels for me is absolute anger. It is so devastating for me. Do I do this to people? Is my BPD the reason that I destroy relationships? And despite how much he has put me down and called the worst names ... whore slut everything on a regular basis I still have feelings for him. He blames me for everything. I just feel that I am starting to believe it.

I know having him out of my life is necessary. Especially with my job at the university coming in the new year I just can't deal with this type of volatile relationship anymore. I know this post is all over the place but I guess I just want an honest answer. Could it be my fault he relapsed? Do I really ruin mens lives? He is not the first person who has said this to me before. I am struggling so much with this guilt and I just feel like I will never be able to have a relationship without hurting the person or making them hate me. I just feel like a horrible person right now. I dont know what is real or not. I just need some objective views that aren't my own because I am in such a cycle of self loathing and hatred right now and all I hear in my head are his words.
Do not take responsibility for HIS emotions. You are responsible for only YOUR emotions. Your thoughts, feelings and actions. HE is responsible for his emotions, his thoughts, his feelings and his actions.
He’s attacking you as a defensive coping strategy to deal with his own inadequacies. Have no guilt and move on quickly or you will drown alongside him.
 
Shiva

Shiva

Active member
Joined
Nov 15, 2019
Messages
30
Location
Canada
Do not take responsibility for HIS emotions. You are responsible for only YOUR emotions. Your thoughts, feelings and actions. HE is responsible for his emotions, his thoughts, his feelings and his actions.
He’s attacking you as a defensive coping strategy to deal with his own inadequacies. Have no guilt and move on quickly or you will drown alongside him.
I feel I already am drowning :(. Thank you so much for the response Lunus
 
Confusedandanxious

Confusedandanxious

Well-known member
Joined
May 5, 2019
Messages
788
Location
Uk
You have no control over what he chooses to do. Therefore, you are not to blame for his choices. Only he is responsible for that. Not you.

When people cant take responsibility for their own actions and faults, they turn to projection. What he is saying to you is probably what he thinks about himself. It is a reflection of him, not you.
 
Lunus

Lunus

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,068
Location
Norfolk
I feel I already am drowning :(. Thank you so much for the response Lunus
Just remember you FEEL you are drowning. That doesn’t mean you actually are. You are using emotional reasoning, thinking with your feelings. When you do this you can distort things and your suffering is increased.
Try to calm yourself down as much as possible, some classical music, very deep breaths in and out. Slow your breathing body and mind down as much as possible, and then try to wait for these extreme emotions to subside, as they will in time. Be strong. x
 
Shiva

Shiva

Active member
Joined
Nov 15, 2019
Messages
30
Location
Canada
Just remember you FEEL you are drowning. That doesn’t mean you actually are. You are using emotional reasoning, thinking with your feelings. When you do this you can distort things and your suffering is increased.
Try to calm yourself down as much as possible, some classical music, very deep breaths in and out. Slow your breathing body and mind down as much as possible, and then try to wait for these extreme emotions to subside, as they will in time. Be strong. x
Thank you. This really helped.
 
Shiva

Shiva

Active member
Joined
Nov 15, 2019
Messages
30
Location
Canada
You have no control over what he chooses to do. Therefore, you are not to blame for his choices. Only he is responsible for that. Not you.

When people cant take responsibility for their own actions and faults, they turn to projection. What he is saying to you is probably what he thinks about himself. It is a reflection of him, not you.
Thank you. I know all this to be true that's the frustrating thing but I just can't really believe it or put it to use. I just keep spinning in the thoughts. I appreciate your response so good to talk to caring and smart people xoxo
 
G

Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,420
This is me.

Through therapy I’ve come to understand that I dated the addict because it delayed me looking at my own issues.

living with an addict leaves very little room for your own issues.

it’s a delay, and nothing more.
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
4,662
Location
Nowhere
no definitely 100 % no way
you cant be responsible for those kind of issues
they come from deeply rooted conditions in his history
and also from trends in society

you need other things to replace it
like this place and some good friends
or there are some amazing support groups
for people in your situation

how is your social life looking ?

:love: :hug5:🔥
 
Shiva

Shiva

Active member
Joined
Nov 15, 2019
Messages
30
Location
Canada
This is me.

Through therapy I’ve come to understand that I dated the addict because it delayed me looking at my own issues.

living with an addict leaves very little room for your own issues.

it’s a delay, and nothing more.
wow this hit me. I completely agree.
 
Shiva

Shiva

Active member
Joined
Nov 15, 2019
Messages
30
Location
Canada
no definitely 100 % no way
you cant be responsible for those kind of issues
they come from deeply rooted conditions in his history
and also from trends in society

you need other things to replace it
like this place and some good friends
or there are some amazing support groups
for people in your situation

how is your social life looking ?

:love: :hug5:🔥
Thank god my friends are unbelievable . I have 4 close close girlfriends who know about the BPD and situation with this man but there are very tired of him and I understandably... I also forgot to mention I had an abortion by him in September. Ugh its just so much damage I just want to heal already.
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
4,662
Location
Nowhere
hi Shiva

sorry about all the damage and loss
we are here to listen

:loveshower: :loveshower: :loveshower: 🔥
 
Top