Are my family playing a hand in my mental health issues?

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biggerdandy

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 5, 2014
Messages
196
#1
Ok for a long time, there were a lot of problems with fighting between my brother and parents. He was a particularly hard to manage teenager, and often dated girls who stung him along into all kinds of crap. Instead of dealing with them hed take it out on us at home. This lead to a number of physical altercations and even a police intervention. Problem is even if it got violent or I was dragged into it, there was a running theme. My Dad would get angry, my mother would cry all over me, but then I was told that I 'wasnt allowed' to be angry because it 'was wrong to be angry at my brother'.

Because it would be natural to feel angry or upset, I started to feel very conflicted with my feelings, and like an idiot I took their words to heart and it had an impact on me.

Its been a few years, and though my brother has improved, he still can be rude and verbally nasty. Thing is, my parents have sat around the dinner table and, if I make a joke my brother doesnt like, he will do things like threaten to

1. stab me
2. splatter my brains on the wall
3. kill me
4. hit me

etc. And my parents do not protest. If I tell him to fuck off, Im told i am escalating and that Im overreacting, even when hes threatening ME.

My parents dont appreciate how I feel, and it goes further than that.

I came out to my family about suspicions of gender dysphoria some years ago, and nobody respects me enough to stop calling me things like 'young man' or any other boundaries I have asked them about because frankly, I dont like being referred to as a male and Ive basically blocked out in my mind parts of my male anatomy I dislike. Its gotten so out of hand however, than my mother has told me that nobody would possibly love me if I transition because trans people dont have soulmates. She asks me things like 'why cant you just be?'

this is coming from a woman who has had cosmetic surgery and spent years complaining about being overweight.

I dont know it just feels like Im supposed to live under a seperate set of rules expecting perfection and obediance while nobody else has to follow the same script, and its horseshit.
 
I

IWILLOBTAINMENTALHEALTH

Guest
#2
You're brother needs to be in jail and your parents need to be firm with him. Your parents should respect you and call you the pronouns you want! My suggestion get a restraining order against your brother and stop talking to your parents. Yes I believe your family is partly to blame for your mental illness. I have a transgender sister and my parents refuse to call her female pronouns. It ANGERS me. What ANGERS me even worse is that my dad doesn't allow me to call my sister female pronouns in his house! So I feel guilty calling her male pronouns when I am over at my parents house. I am so sorry you suffer that. Abusive families are a terrible thing to be a part of. Please escape. :hug:
 
C

Candy19

Guest
#3
Very weird
I'd suggest looking up things to do with narcissistic parents and the golden child and black sheep to see if any of it relates to your situation.
I kind of know what it's like, I get screamed at, hit and called names by my mum, but she would never do the same with my brother even if he did the exact same thing as me.
Maybe your parents give special treatment to your brother because of all the things he's done and been through, maybe they are secretly scared of him themselves and don't want you turning out the same so they are stricter with you. I'm not sure, but I can see why it would affect you, I'd suggest moving out or working towards that if you can't right now
 
I

IWILLOBTAINMENTALHEALTH

Guest
#4
Very weird
I'd suggest looking up things to do with narcissistic parents and the golden child and black sheep to see if any of it relates to your situation.
I kind of know what it's like, I get screamed at, hit and called names by my mum, but she would never do the same with my brother even if he did the exact same thing as me.
Maybe your parents give special treatment to your brother because of all the things he's done and been through, maybe they are secretly scared of him themselves and don't want you turning out the same so they are stricter with you. I'm not sure, but I can see why it would affect you, I'd suggest moving out or working towards that if you can't right now
You're mom hits you, you need to report her. Maybe you can get into foster care. I am so sorry that happens to you. My mom was abusive to me too. :hug:
 
SoftRain

SoftRain

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Joined
Jun 26, 2016
Messages
1,467
Location
sillyville, USA
#5
Of course it’s affecting you.
Your parents aren’t doing anyone any favors justifying and making excuses for your obviously violent brother.
Your not overreacting they are under reacting.
No matter what you do or what they say or do just remember you one day will be gone from there and can make your own life as you want.
 
B

biggerdandy

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 5, 2014
Messages
196
#6
So an update.

My parents had an arguement last night, admittedly my mum has been drinking heavily and is sorry for what shes done, but then when I try to talk to dad he throws his hands in my face when I try to calm him down as if hes trying to slap me for being helpful and tells me he shouldnt have to regulate his feelings.

This caused me to snap and I called him a lot of names, because as I said, when I was younger, he kept pressuring me to bottle everything up 'for the sake of the family. He's exposed his priorities and taken to picking on me, and if he thinks Im just going to roll over and take it he's got another thing coming.

My mum, admitted she needs help, and is trying to get some. I'm helping to try to guide her through the mental health services because she's abusing booze to stay in control and help her have a release.

Dad's just picking on me cause he think's he can get away with it now, so I'm going to straighten him out, hopefully for good, this week. My parents want to talk to me, and Im already planning how I'm going to throw as much of their shit back in their faces to prove a point. They're 10 years overdue listening, and Dad's too proud to ever apologize, but hopefully it'll do enough to make him watch his step in the future.

On a side note, I go for final diagnosis this monday on if the consensus with the NHS is that it is gender dysphoria.
 
B

biggerdandy

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 5, 2014
Messages
196
#7
So today has been testing. My brother has attacked me once again at home, striking me in the head repeatedly. I was forced to defend myself and struck him hard enough to buy time to get away. He has run off into the night screaming in rage. My father has since bitten my head off about how we need to keep my mother calm.

I swear it's like there's a list somewhere in this house and Im never at the top of priorities.
 
B

biggerdandy

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Joined
Oct 5, 2014
Messages
196
#8
Also, an update: I have been told I need to be civil and forgive because 'It's Christmas'

fml
 
M

Mary26

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Joined
Feb 28, 2018
Messages
153
Location
USA
#9
Sounds like mom's an alcoholic, dad's a rageaholic, brother is a violent rageaholic and you're the family scapegoat. You seem to think you can reason with them but I think they need you stay in your designated role to hold this all together. Your shift in power would upset the whole family dynamic and break apart whatever illusion they've created so I suspect they won't allow that to happen even if you're at risk of suffering physical harm. Best thing you can do if at all possible is get out.
 
B

biggerdandy

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 5, 2014
Messages
196
#10
Sounds like mom's an alcoholic, dad's a rageaholic, brother is a violent rageaholic and you're the family scapegoat. You seem to think you can reason with them but I think they need you stay in your designated role to hold this all together. Your shift in power would upset the whole family dynamic and break apart whatever illusion they've created so I suspect they won't allow that to happen even if you're at risk of suffering physical harm. Best thing you can do if at all possible is get out.
My goal at this point is to secure full time hours in my current job (or something in a related field, so I have financial independance) and once I secure a house. I've made an extensive journal of all the times they've behaved out of line, and when I move out I will leave it somewhere in their house for me to find. They can read it and stew in it. They will either come to realize what theyve done, or they will react as I expect and push back with no consideration.

Either my family learns to respect my boundaries and treat me like a human being, or they lose me. I do not need toxicity in my life.
 
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