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Apparently my suicidal thoughts are an escape fantasy

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Pffft

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So I had an appointment with my pschiatrist last week and he is the dr I see for my meds. I will refer to this Dr as Dr M. During the appointment with Dr M I tried telling him about my suicidal thoughts but I got the impression he wasn't taking me seriously so I stopped as I felt embarrassed and ashamed as I knew what he was thinking.. Yep just another typical person with bpd. (I hope I haven't offended anyone with that comment). In the letter summarising the appointment it said 'she remains at risk of accidental unintended harm however, risk of suicide.. Would be deemed low at present'. It also said 'she identifies positive/ protective factors and there is no immediacy to her plans for suicide that I think are an escape fantasy'. 'That I think are an escape fantasy' what an arrogant prick.

I see another psychiatrist for psychotherapy and in my appointment I had with Dr T (I will refer to him as Dr T) he is the dr I see for therapy. In my prior to the one I had with Dr M I told him about my thoughts and went into depth about them. A few days later I had the app with Dr M (this was on the following Monday) and what happened here is what I wrote in the above paragraph. On the Wednesday I had my appointment with Dr T and I was dreading the conversation about suicide as I really didn't want to talk about it. I felt Dr T would as he said he was worried after my last appointment but he didn't. I told him about my app with Dr M and I said I told him about some of my suicidal thoughts and that I felt he wasn't taking me seriously so I didn't bother continuing with telling him my thoughts. Dr T said some things (I have a shit memory so cant remember exactly what he said) and one thing was something like he was relieved when he heard I had seen Dr M and it makes sense now. Dr T clearly believed Dr M and felt I wasn't at any risk and that my thoughts were just the typical 'I don't want to be here'. I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I wish I never said anything now and if it wasnt for the fact that I told a friend I probably wouldn't have bothered telling Dr T nevermind Dr M. I didn't want my friend to feel guilty when the time comes. I have mentioned some of my sucidial feelings in other threads I have posted but obviously I can't go into depth becuase of forum rules (which I totally understand).

SSorry for the long essay and thank you to everyone for your continued support.. I am very grateful and cannot thank you all enough.

X
 
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EstherRose94

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By a “fantasy” it doesn’t mean that your feelings aren’t valid or that you were making it up. The pain and everything you’ve had in relation to those thoughts and feelings are real and I don’t think that either doctor necessarily meant to deny that. It’s still feelings you definitely need to work through, ie why did those thoughts become so predominant for you? Does that make sense?
 
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EstherRose94

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I would certainly consider what Dr M described as a salient issue: a desire to mentally escape to a world where you don’t exist. That’s most likely what he meant by “fantasy” not like something you’re playing around with for fun. “Fantasy” has a different connotation today than it would have when it became a term in psychiatry.
 
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Girl interupted

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You need a new therapist. One that makes you feel heard.
 
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Girl interupted

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That flippin makes me really angry. It’s not you, it’s them.
 
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Pffft

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Thanks @EstherRose94 I understand what you're saying and I appreciate your positive outlook.:hug: but I just can't help but feel totally insulted and upset by it all. Even now I distract myself and then it just comes back to me.

Thanks @Girl interupted to be fair Dr T is okay but it's Dr M that makes me feel like I am wasting my time when I talk to him. I see them through the NHS and I don't even know if it's worth complaining or asking to see a different pschiatrist for my medication.

x
 
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EstherRose94

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Oh I’d switch if you’re not comfy with that person.
 
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Girl interupted

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Thanks @EstherRose94 I understand what you're saying and I appreciate your positive outlook.:hug: but I just can't help but feel totally insulted and upset by it all. Even now I distract myself and then it just comes back to me.

Thanks @Girl interupted to be fair Dr T is okay but it's Dr M that makes me feel like I am wasting my time when I talk to him. I see them through the NHS and I don't even know if it's worth complaining or asking to see a different pschiatrist for my medication.

x

If you are finding yourself at these bleak crossroads without feeling support, I’d say it’s worth the hassle to change.
 
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Girl interupted

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I went to at least a half dozen different therapists over the course of my life. Only my most recent one has made a difference. I’ve been with her for five years now, and I’m starting to see glimmers of my resiliency returning.

It would not have happened, I would not be feeling healthier, if I didn’t feel safe, and heard, by her.
 
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Pffft

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@EstherRose94 I don't know how hard it would be to do that and I don't even know if there is another psychiatrist that I could see. Also if I complain I would then have to explain and I don't fancy explaining to someone that I don't know/ who probably isn't a trained mental health nurse and I don't want to put someone in an awkward position by telling them some of my dark thoughts.

@Girl interupted I am glad you have found a therapist that helps you. :)

x
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Hi,
I didn't feel heard by my pyschiatrist he even laughed at me. So I complained to the local trust and now have a new dr.
 
daffy

daffy

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My psychiatrist didn’t seem to have any interest in me unless I was psychotic . Most of the time it was how are you , and keep taking the meds. And of all the psychologists I’ve seen most were a waste of time apart from one that helped with my travel anxiety and gave me breathing techniques
 
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