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Apathetic and lost (sorry its long)

R

RandomSkipio

Member
Joined
Oct 29, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Wales, uk
Hi all, posted here before. Just getting some stuff out there helped for a bit so here I am again.
Never been good at opening up and sharing.
Depression and anxiety for years, just gradually getting worse as time goes, tried different meds, councilling, what ever the docs suggest. Nothing seems to help much.

Guess the only positives haven't self harmed in a few years, it always seemed to be my way of punishing myself for the things I did, the way I treated people. But I haven't been around people either so I can't hurt them.

Stopped drinking and drugs, kinda got my life back together. Got a good job, place of my own and my partners great.
My mother was chronicly ill all my life, grew up careering for her, but looking back I wasn't a very good son.

She was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer the start of 2019, passed July that year.

Since that I've been getting worse, I know grief will do that, my apathy and self destructive thoughts are just building. It feels the only thing stopping me from ruining everything is the apathy. Don't know if it's the meds, currently citalopram 20mg.
But I've no drive to do anything, sex drive is nonexistent for 2 years, which I know is affecting my partner, only been together for 3 years.

Just feel like a ghost. Miss who I used to be, even though my life is so much better now.
 
S

Slimreb

Member
Joined
Apr 3, 2021
Messages
10
Location
USA
I’m new here, just created this account last night. I came here to talk with others who suffer and get support. Like you, I too have no real drive to do anything. I have no sex drive or desire to do anything. I force myself to go through the motion of working and my daily life.

I want to congratulate you on stopping with drinking and drugs. That takes a lot of will to accomplish. Take pride in that part.

I’m truly sorry for the loss of your mother. I can’t imagine the pain that caused you after helping to care for her growing up. To me that shows you were a really great son to your mother. I pray that you find what works for you so that you can deal with this a bit easier. Unlikesome people I do not feel that severe depression and the likes is something that you ever truly get rid of. At least that is how it has been in my experience.
 
J

JeanPierre

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
2,159
Location
Southern USA
I’m new here, just created this account last night. I came here to talk with others who suffer and get support. Like you, I too have no real drive to do anything. I have no sex drive or desire to do anything. I force myself to go through the motion of working and my daily life.

I want to congratulate you on stopping with drinking and drugs. That takes a lot of will to accomplish. Take pride in that part.

I’m truly sorry for the loss of your mother. I can’t imagine the pain that caused you after helping to care for her growing up. To me that shows you were a really great son to your mother. I pray that you find what works for you so that you can deal with this a bit easier. Unlikesome people I do not feel that severe depression and the likes is something that you ever truly get rid of. At least that is how it has been in my experience.
 
J

JeanPierre

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
2,159
Location
Southern USA
Hi all, posted here before. Just getting some stuff out there helped for a bit so here I am again.
Never been good at opening up and sharing.
Depression and anxiety for years, just gradually getting worse as time goes, tried different meds, councilling, what ever the docs suggest. Nothing seems to help much.

Guess the only positives haven't self harmed in a few years, it always seemed to be my way of punishing myself for the things I did, the way I treated people. But I haven't been around people either so I can't hurt them.

Stopped drinking and drugs, kinda got my life back together. Got a good job, place of my own and my partners great.
My mother was chronicly ill all my life, grew up careering for her, but looking back I wasn't a very good son.

She was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer the start of 2019, passed July that year.

Since that I've been getting worse, I know grief will do that, my apathy and self destructive thoughts are just building. It feels the only thing stopping me from ruining everything is the apathy. Don't know if it's the meds, currently citalopram 20mg.
But I've no drive to do anything, sex drive is nonexistent for 2 years, which I know is affecting my partner, only been together for 3 years.

Just feel like a ghost. Miss who I used to be, even though my life is so much better now.
Hi, we spoke earlier about your awesome reply to help another.

There is one thing I know for sure....caretaking to that extent, especially of a chronically ill parent leaves one with a form of PTSD that can take years to overcome without medical help.

You were a good Son. No one is perfect. You must stop belittling yourself.
Do you have access to a therapist or doctor for these feelings?
Please don't harm yourself. The mother in me will worry so much.
 
R

RandomSkipio

Member
Joined
Oct 29, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Wales, uk
I’m new here, just created this account last night. I came here to talk with others who suffer and get support. Like you, I too have no real drive to do anything. I have no sex drive or desire to do anything. I force myself to go through the motion of working and my daily life.

I want to congratulate you on stopping with drinking and drugs. That takes a lot of will to accomplish. Take pride in that part.

I’m truly sorry for the loss of your mother. I can’t imagine the pain that caused you after helping to care for her growing up. To me that shows you were a really great son to your mother. I pray that you find what works for you so that you can deal with this a bit easier. Unlikesome people I do not feel that severe depression and the likes is something that you ever truly get rid of. At least that is how it has been in my experience.
Thanks for the reply, it's nice to talk to others going through similar things.
Feel the same, it's just finding ways to deal with it on a day to day basis. It's just getting harder to do so.
 
R

RandomSkipio

Member
Joined
Oct 29, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Wales, uk
Hi, we spoke earlier about your awesome reply to help another.

There is one thing I know for sure....caretaking to that extent, especially of a chronically ill parent leaves one with a form of PTSD that can take years to overcome without medical help.

You were a good Son. No one is perfect. You must stop belittling yourself.
Do you have access to a therapist or doctor for these feelings?
Please don't harm yourself. The mother in me will worry so much.
Just difficult not to focus on the times I could have done more or been around more in the end.
I see my GP, not since before the pandemic, now its just over the phone and all they do is up my meds or change them. Hoping to see them when this calms down. No therapists, been put on a few lists over years but nothings come of it. Was told by "MIND" a local mental health services that I was too bad for them to help. Still on list with my GP for councilling. Also been given online therapy things from doctor, but they all seem to robotic I guess, it was more like being back in school and being given homework. Not very helpful.
 
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