Anyone here not on meds?

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playstation

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I'm having a difficult time tolerating meds, they are making me severly depressed. Anyone not on meds? What are your symptoms and how do you cope?
 
Foxjo

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Hi and welcome to the forum :welcome:
I've been on and off meds for 23 years. I've decided about ten years ago to stay on them for good as I cant tolerate the relapses.
Hopefully some members will come across your thread and offer some advice.
Hugs
fox
 
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harsh-reality

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I was weaned off meds and ended up psychotic and in hospital so now am on them for the long haul - I kept asking for changes until the combination of the two medications I now take were effective in tandem for myself. I also gave up alcohol completely because in particular they made the anti depressant totally redundant and iineffective...It seems to work for me now.
 
boudreauj4

boudreauj4

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I had bad depression and psychosis so I was put on an antidepressant first, then eventually an antipsychotic. The depression never went away, I think because I was so depressed and sorry for myself for being psychotic. I thought I was crazy and didn't deserve to live because of it. What finally made me much better was when I stopped taking the antidepressants. Most of the depression went away and all of the side effects disappeared. Then my antipsychotic was changed and much of my negative symptoms went away, and I think because of this the rest of my depression went away. At least that's what I think. There can be some confusion whether some symptoms are depression or negative symptoms of schizophrenia because they can be so much the same.
 
boudreauj4

boudreauj4

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I cope now the best by trying to maintain a good balance of rest and activity. Back when I sat at home all day doing nothing, I just stewed in my misery and my symptoms were worse. I finally started going with my father-in-law to volunteer at a charity three days a week in the mornings. I think this is good for me because it got me out of the house and interacting with other people. My symptoms got better and I became happier with my life. It also gives me a little exercise three days a week. If I am too busy I get very stressed and things get worse for me so I try to keep that balance of activity and inactivity. I do need my alone, quiet time too.
 
Hopefuloldie

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I have been off meds for over 20 years because I couldn't handle the side effects of Haloperidol so I weaned myself off. The trade-off is that I had to learn to tolerate the hallucinations and mood swings which I usually manage quite well. I find that I function fairly well in the day, but I have become a chronic insomniac because of all the thoughts through the night.
 
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forumuser23

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I'm having a difficult time tolerating meds, they are making me severly depressed. Anyone not on meds? What are your symptoms and how do you cope?
i can understand the part where you say on not tolerating meds, however, it's important to know what specific medication you had taken or tried that made you severely depressed, because when you say depressed, it makes me think you're talking about the antipsychotics that did this to you. and of course, there are different forms of schizoaffective disorder ( according to general research, however, from my experience, most people fit the stereotypical bipolar type and / or depressive type with hallucinations / delusions ) which i don't have, but this itself may be that im fucking misdiagnosed, because i can't just be the only person with the unique traits that i have and don't take any medications from all the people i've encountered, none of which had the profile i had...

so how do i cope, well, that's all i can do and have been doing for years and everyday is suicidal and torture. i have tried certain antidepressants in the past or other classes of medications, but nothing right now and i do not wish to harm myself further with psychiatric medications unless i plan on reinvesting my life with something different where i'm ok with harming myself and brain damaging myself even more at the expense of having possibly slightly better functioning but eventually carrying on my original intended suicide plan.

i do not have any one who i can really feel supported by, because i haven't met anyone in actual life, in person, online or anywhere who had the specific problems i had and wasn't taking medication. as a result, in order to survive, i sit at home the majority of time, see my therapist twice a week, and try to hope that i can find someone in the forums similar to me. before, i'd go to mental health groups in person forcefully for years several times a week from many different types ( NAMI, DBSA, schizophrenia groups, kaiser case management system, and others ) in an attempt to find a relatable source or support, but never finding so and getting belittled, hurt, taken advantage of others, envying others, and seeing people more fortunate than me and / or who had trivial problems, 90-95 percent or more of them were taking medication and getting the help they need or at least doing better.

and what do i have, a bunch of labels that serve no real purpose other than to show that im severely mentally ill and left out without a proper connecting source, support or people. my diagnosis up to this point were "anxiety", "Depression", major depressive disorder which i definetely have severe depression and anger, schizotypal personality disorder ( specifically the timorous schizotypal matches me the closest ), and also some of hell traits of passive aggressive PD, which to me is the worst possible condition one can have, worse than borderline PD, worse than avoidant PD, worse than all of them, passive aggressive personality disorder is almost like combining all of the PD into one, this is also why i never related to anyone, because most people usually fit a stereotypical mold of traits and didn't have diverse problems like me.

it's stupid enough, i tried to find another venue of support through trying to make an account in saneforums.org, but was denied this because it gave me a message that "it is not available in your country"...., not sure why they have this.
 
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forumuser23

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and i forget to mention if i haven't but the last psychiatrist i saw diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder, depressive type, which is a major reason why i'm here...
 
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TheBoyWithAWanderingMind

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I'm having a difficult time tolerating meds, they are making me severly depressed. Anyone not on meds? What are your symptoms and how do you cope?
I'm new to the diagnosis of BPD and as of now, I'm currently not on any medication for it. I see my therapist once every two weeks and while I'm not someone who struggles with an extreme case but we'll just have to see where things take us.
 
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BrytonJade

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Man, I been off my medication for 3 weeks now after being on them for a year. Before being on meds, I couldn't think about anyone without feeling like they hear the voice in my head. I was never able to relax like I can't right now; I try relax but every time I'm relaxed it feels like I can hear my thoughts at a distance, the same way I hear people's voices at a distance, it's fucking trippy. I have this constant pit in my stomach caused by anxiety which stresses me out, and what gives me anxiety are these fucking voices and feel like they're gunna hear something fucked up I don't wanna say in my head, like tourette syndrome but telepathy. I absolutely hate being around new people or people that upset my energy.

Fucking wish I never knew what telepathy was. When I never used to hear people, they would put their hands on my ears when I was in church and pray for me. It's fucked up now that I think of it because maybe they were praying for me to become aware that I'm a thought broadcaster and we're all telepathically connected and that they know what I think. It devastated me when I realized we can hear each other's thoughts but I wasn't able to, like a fucking black sheep.

I'm far gone and never returning.
 
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ValGal

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medications are NOT for everyone I have tried so many and they all made me more paranoid because of all the side effects. It is very very hard for my to trust a psychiatrist who went to school for 12 yrs just to sit with me for 15 minutes and prescribe me something that changes my brain without knowing anything about me or my past or if I'm lying etc. Prescriptions are highly about money in my opinion that is why I do my research, lots and lots. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, adhd, bipolar, and I found that once I believed something was wrong with my brain and needed to be on meds for the rest of my life, that's when I really went spiralling. There are so so so many things you can do without meds which act as a bandaid, they are really not healthy for the long term. You have to listen to your body. Our bodies and brains can heal themselves in unimaginable ways. I have been off anti-anxiety medication for a month (had a few panic attacks but feel WAY less anxious), off antipsychotic for 2 weeks (it made me stop breathing at night so I feel a lot better off that), and off adderall for 2 days (it put me into a scary psychosis and I became a hypochondriac). Try Cognitive behavioural therapy or any type of therapy really, or if you don't want to talk to a therapist I journal just like a short page every night before bed and that really helps organize my thoughts and let it all out. Also engaging in hobbies, write down future goals every day (this is so important for motivation), read lots about things that interest you, read about the brain and how it works, and exercise and diet are keyyyy. I didn't believe those things would help in the beginning, I wanted medication to fix me but it didn't so even though it may be difficult at first I believe humans have so much more potential to heal than we're told. Good luck to you! :)
 
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ramboghettouk

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the worlds full of people who've been off meds for a month and are on about how they're cured and how much better they are
 
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Cat

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I've been medication free for about 2 months now. I am not currently psychotic (in the sense that I can distinguish between reality and fantasy), but I do have a single persistent symptom-the voice in my head. I am hoping I'll be able to live without the antipsychotics (as I find the side-effects unbearable), but I won't know for sure until I've tried it for awhile. I suppose its quite a gamble to stop taking them, as I tried to kill myself the last time I had a psychotic break, but I also can't really deal with the effects of being on medication. Currently I am anxious, very depressed (near suicidal), and physically quite ill. I'm desperately looking for something to make me feel well enough to get through the day, but so far nothing comes to mind.
 
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forumuser23

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I've been medication free for about 2 months now. I am not currently psychotic (in the sense that I can distinguish between reality and fantasy), but I do have a single persistent symptom-the voice in my head. I am hoping I'll be able to live without the antipsychotics (as I find the side-effects unbearable), but I won't know for sure until I've tried it for awhile. I suppose its quite a gamble to stop taking them, as I tried to kill myself the last time I had a psychotic break, but I also can't really deal with the effects of being on medication. Currently I am anxious, very depressed (near suicidal), and physically quite ill. I'm desperately looking for something to make me feel well enough to get through the day, but so far nothing comes to mind.
i still am not getting any answers from anyone on what exactly their experience is for "psychotic break". neither from here and neither from any other forum or place online or in person. can you please explain what happened or what were the reasons for you wanting to kill yourself the last time you had a "psychotic break"?
 
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i still am not getting any answers from anyone on what exactly their experience is for "psychotic break". neither from here and neither from any other forum or place online or in person. can you please explain what happened or what were the reasons for you wanting to kill yourself the last time you had a "psychotic break"?
Most certainly I can do that for you. Thanks for your interest. The last time I had a psychotic break the following was it's development: it started out very gradually. I was abusing amphetamines at that time in a major way and was surrounding myself with severely dysfunctional and violent people. At first my paranoid ideation was focused on those very real people and their intentions to harm me. So it started out as a natural consequence of the rather extreme threats I was receiving and the physical and sexual abuse that accompanied that. I also witnessed However, as time went by I inexplicably started to suspect many other innocent people of conspiring against me in some way. I started to think the whole world consisted of people who either had it in for me. I then started to suspect that all of these people knew each other and were in on the conspiracies together. Then I moved and felt okay (although my delusions persisted) for awhile. I kept using amphetamines regularly although nowhere near as much as before. Then I also started to smoke a lot of cannabis. Every day without exception. I met a new man who I fell in love with. He had a strange and isolated lifestyle and had a very dark personality. Then the delusions started to grow in intensity and in scope...I started also dragging my new partner into the imagined conspiracies. I tried over and over to get him to admit that he was in on it all but of course he would not because it was not real. Then a little while later I started getting the idea that the people in the apartment above me were spying on me and laughing at me etc. Later on I believed that I was receiving personal messages from people over the radio and from my computer. Because I felt they were all out to get me I isolated myself during this period and only spent time with my disturbed boyfriend. I rejected all family and many friends for this reason. Then, finally I started hearing voices telling me to harm myself in the most bizarre and humiliating ways. I perceived that these commands were part of some strange initiation ritual into a dangerous and criminal gang of some sort. I performed the acts they were suggesting. I won't describe them hear as I suspect my post will then be flagged and rejected by moderators. The acts were that grotesque. I also don't know how is feel after if I did come out and tell people exactly what I did. The most disturbing aspect was that the voices were telling me we (the voices and I) should go out and very seriously harm others. I never acted on any suggestions to hurt others however. Nevertheless, I am loathe to think what would have happened if my psychosis was not eventually treated. Eventually things turned for the worse yet again. The voices started threatening me saying they had access to my subconscious mind and that they therefore knew what kind of person I really was-which was an evil person according to them. They said the most horrific things ...all the most extreme tortures they were gonna put me through and so on. I believed wholeheartedly in them. There was no doubt in my mind that it was true at that time. Then one night they determined that I was so evil that I did not deserve to live anymore. In fact, they said they were gonna come torture me for 100 days straight. I panicked. I then determined that the only thing I could do to escape it was to end it all. So I immediately went to it and (without getting into detail again) almost succeeded. Had the ambulance come five minutes later I would not be here today. I survived within an inch of my life. At the hospital I had to have massive surgery. When I came out of that I was still terrified of the voices. However, two weeks of massive doses of haldol, tranquilizers, and the kind and supportive ways of truly amazing hospital staff, I came out of the psychosis. I was an inpatient in mental health department for two months after that. Now, two years later I am completing my PhD, working, have good relationships with family and friends, have a super boyfriend, and am living medication free. That's my story. Don't hesitate to let me know if there are other questions. I am very open. Hopefully my post won't be removed as I think it's important for people to know how bad things really can get and also how it's possible to recover from even the most serious psychiatric episodes and disorders. Peace out.
 
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Cat

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Man, I been off my medication for 3 weeks now after being on them for a year. Before being on meds, I couldn't think about anyone without feeling like they hear the voice in my head. I was never able to relax like I can't right now; I try relax but every time I'm relaxed it feels like I can hear my thoughts at a distance, the same way I hear people's voices at a distance, it's fucking trippy. I have this constant pit in my stomach caused by anxiety which stresses me out, and what gives me anxiety are these fucking voices and feel like they're gunna hear something fucked up I don't wanna say in my head, like tourette syndrome but telepathy. I absolutely hate being around new people or people that upset my energy.

Fucking wish I never knew what telepathy was. When I never used to hear people, they would put their hands on my ears when I was in church and pray for me. It's fucked up now that I think of it because maybe they were praying for me to become aware that I'm a thought broadcaster and we're all telepathically connected and that they know what I think. It devastated me when I realized we can hear each other's thoughts but I wasn't able to, like a fucking black sheep.

I'm far gone and never returning.
I'm very sorry to hear you feel you are so far gone. Don't give up! I used to think people could hear my thoughts. It was really distressing cause my thoughts are not always nice and most often very embarrassing! I also felt i had Tourette's in my head and called it that lol. You are NOT alone!
 
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forumuser23

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Most certainly I can do that for you. Thanks for your interest. The last time I had a psychotic break the following was it's development: it started out very gradually. I was abusing amphetamines at that time in a major way and was surrounding myself with severely dysfunctional and violent people. At first my paranoid ideation was focused on those very real people and their intentions to harm me. So it started out as a natural consequence of the rather extreme threats I was receiving and the physical and sexual abuse that accompanied that. I also witnessed However, as time went by I inexplicably started to suspect many other innocent people of conspiring against me in some way. I started to think the whole world consisted of people who either had it in for me. I then started to suspect that all of these people knew each other and were in on the conspiracies together. Then I moved and felt okay (although my delusions persisted) for awhile. I kept using amphetamines regularly although nowhere near as much as before. Then I also started to smoke a lot of cannabis. Every day without exception. I met a new man who I fell in love with. He had a strange and isolated lifestyle and had a very dark personality. Then the delusions started to grow in intensity and in scope...I started also dragging my new partner into the imagined conspiracies. I tried over and over to get him to admit that he was in on it all but of course he would not because it was not real. Then a little while later I started getting the idea that the people in the apartment above me were spying on me and laughing at me etc. Later on I believed that I was receiving personal messages from people over the radio and from my computer. Because I felt they were all out to get me I isolated myself during this period and only spent time with my disturbed boyfriend. I rejected all family and many friends for this reason. Then, finally I started hearing voices telling me to harm myself in the most bizarre and humiliating ways. I perceived that these commands were part of some strange initiation ritual into a dangerous and criminal gang of some sort. I performed the acts they were suggesting. I won't describe them hear as I suspect my post will then be flagged and rejected by moderators. The acts were that grotesque. I also don't know how is feel after if I did come out and tell people exactly what I did. The most disturbing aspect was that the voices were telling me we (the voices and I) should go out and very seriously harm others. I never acted on any suggestions to hurt others however. Nevertheless, I am loathe to think what would have happened if my psychosis was not eventually treated. Eventually things turned for the worse yet again. The voices started threatening me saying they had access to my subconscious mind and that they therefore knew what kind of person I really was-which was an evil person according to them. They said the most horrific things ...all the most extreme tortures they were gonna put me through and so on. I believed wholeheartedly in them. There was no doubt in my mind that it was true at that time. Then one night they determined that I was so evil that I did not deserve to live anymore. In fact, they said they were gonna come torture me for 100 days straight. I panicked. I then determined that the only thing I could do to escape it was to end it all. So I immediately went to it and (without getting into detail again) almost succeeded. Had the ambulance come five minutes later I would not be here today. I survived within an inch of my life. At the hospital I had to have massive surgery. When I came out of that I was still terrified of the voices. However, two weeks of massive doses of haldol, tranquilizers, and the kind and supportive ways of truly amazing hospital staff, I came out of the psychosis. I was an inpatient in mental health department for two months after that. Now, two years later I am completing my PhD, working, have good relationships with family and friends, have a super boyfriend, and am living medication free. That's my story. Don't hesitate to let me know if there are other questions. I am very open. Hopefully my post won't be removed as I think it's important for people to know how bad things really can get and also how it's possible to recover from even the most serious psychiatric episodes and disorders. Peace out.
yeh...., i don't relate to any of your experiences and i'm pretty sure i've been misdiagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. however, i do have to ask, how is that you're able to function now without medication? what changed? did the voices or whatever you feel such as depression just gradually go away? i find it odd that you were able to be just fine now. not to sound like an ass, but i feel as though you never had schizoaffective disorder but maybe something else that induced psychosis which you did mention you did take abuse street drugs heavily, because from how i see it, these disorders much like personality disorders are lifelong, but then again, i haven't been given any objective information of anyone around me who behave similarly to me, so i've had to basically come out with my own hypothesis and suffer alone for so many things up to this point, that even my psychologist couldn't offer any better support or assistance, she clearly made that point to me as i asked about her patients and what their like ( the ones specifically diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder ) and i wasn't like them at all..

also as a side note which is somewhat related to all this is that i did meet one person in person from a mental health group a little while back who was diagnosed with schizophrenia, not schizoaffective disorder, but he was questioned in the group on if he heard voices or sees things that are not there, and he said no..., now i'm not sure if he really didn't have any hallucinations or hearing things or seeing things that are not there type of stuff, or if may have something similar but either didn't process fully himself to give a specific experience of his own, but this was unlikely because he was pretty straightforward on his answer. he was medicated of course like 99 percent of the people there, ( unlike me ). he didn't have any significant impairments in the time i was around him, but again, he was medicated soo..., i also thought it was ironic that out of all the people i met, he was the only person who didn't seem to have any superficial set of symptoms or stereotyped behavior for someone diagnosed with schizophrenia and he also was the same nationality as me ( technically neighboring country ) but with almost the same language.

i understand commorbidity is a factor, but it really doesn't make sense to lump certain things together and simply call them commorbid when they really have a different profile and type of psychopathology / causes that in other words would create a double dissociation. this has been pointed out publicly such as from people like Russell Barkley which i appreciate for his researches done on SCT vs ADHD, specifically appreciating how he tries to get all these dimwits and uneducated people, typical people and lay population to stop confusing ADD vs SCT or thinking that ADD and ADHD are different disorders, because clearly research has shown and proved that they aren't in so many ways, yet a large proportion of the incomprehensive ADHD people end up exchanging back and forth what they perceive of SCT and it's treatments, misunderstanding what exactly SCT is and what kind of treatments are there for it and thinking and even saying that stimulants had helped some of them, because they're too dumb to realize that the reason why they are being helped is because they have ADHD....or a subtype of it, and the subtype isn't SCT, SCT is qualitatively different from ADHD. the issue with SCT is much more complex than it is with ADHD, that's why most people with ADHD who take medication do better in life AND also the risk for depression has clearly been shown to be invalid with ADHD, UNLESS they have commorbid SCT which is possible because after all, they are different disorders...., duh....
 
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Cat

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yeh...., i don't relate to any of your experiences and i'm pretty sure i've been misdiagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. however, i do have to ask, how is that you're able to function now without medication? what changed? did the voices or whatever you feel such as depression just gradually go away? i find it odd that you were able to be just fine now. not to sound like an ass, but i feel as though you never had schizoaffective disorder but maybe something else that induced psychosis which you did mention you did take abuse street drugs heavily, because from how i see it, these disorders much like personality disorders are lifelong, but then again, i haven't been given any objective information of anyone around me who behave similarly to me, so i've had to basically come out with my own hypothesis and suffer alone for so many things up to this point, that even my psychologist couldn't offer any better support or assistance, she clearly made that point to me as i asked about her patients and what their like ( the ones specifically diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder ) and i wasn't like them at all..

also as a side note which is somewhat related to all this is that i did meet one person in person from a mental health group a little while back who was diagnosed with schizophrenia, not schizoaffective disorder, but he was questioned in the group on if he heard voices or sees things that are not there, and he said no..., now i'm not sure if he really didn't have any hallucinations or hearing things or seeing things that are not there type of stuff, or if may have something similar but either didn't process fully himself to give a specific experience of his own, but this was unlikely because he was pretty straightforward on his answer. he was medicated of course like 99 percent of the people there, ( unlike me ). he didn't have any significant impairments in the time i was around him, but again, he was medicated soo..., i also thought it was ironic that out of all the people i met, he was the only person who didn't seem to have any superficial set of symptoms or stereotyped behavior for someone diagnosed with schizophrenia and he also was the same nationality as me ( technically neighboring country ) but with almost the same language.

i understand commorbidity is a factor, but it really doesn't make sense to lump certain things together and simply call them commorbid when they really have a different profile and type of psychopathology / causes that in other words would create a double dissociation. this has been pointed out publicly such as from people like Russell Barkley which i appreciate for his researches done on SCT vs ADHD, specifically appreciating how he tries to get all these dimwits and uneducated people, typical people and lay population to stop confusing ADD vs SCT or thinking that ADD and ADHD are different disorders, because clearly research has shown and proved that they aren't in so many ways, yet a large proportion of the incomprehensive ADHD people end up exchanging back and forth what they perceive of SCT and it's treatments, misunderstanding what exactly SCT is and what kind of treatments are there for it and thinking and even saying that stimulants had helped some of them, because they're too dumb to realize that the reason why they are being helped is because they have ADHD....or a subtype of it, and the subtype isn't SCT, SCT is qualitatively different from ADHD. the issue with SCT is much more complex than it is with ADHD, that's why most people with ADHD who take medication do better in life AND also the risk for depression has clearly been shown to be invalid with ADHD, UNLESS they have commorbid SCT which is possible because after all, they are different disorders...., duh....
Hi there! Thanks for your reply. First off, I am terribly sorry you seem to be dealing with these mental health issues on your own. That is a very rough go! I would highly recommend you seek out peer support groups in your area and try to work as much as you can with your treatment providers. I know that is what saved me anyway.

On to the other points...determining psychiatric diagnoses is not an exact science. It involves a lot of guesswork. It is entirely possible that either one of us has been misdiagnosed. That being said, my doctors (from mental health hospital, GP practicing in psychotherapy, my GP etc) are now generally in agreement that my diagnosis is at least on the schizophrenia spectrum. That would make a lot of sense given my family history of schizophrenia. How am I ok now? Well, I still have symptoms. For example, I still hear a voice in my head every day. However, I have learned to live with the voice and function relatively unaffected by it. Some days it still bothers me quite a bit, but I always make it through the day and function adequately (adequately enough to be finishing a PhD). Stopping the use of hallucinogens like cannabis, and stimulants like methamphetamine definitively reduced the intensity of my symtoms. Nevertheless, symptoms of my psychotic disorder persist to this day. Importantly...the idea that schizophrenic symptoms are immutable, never changing, only manageable by medications etc is entirely outdated. Many people with that diagnosis have successfully recovered from their psychosis. Now, some of these people still live with the symptoms, but are able to distinguish fantasy from reality nevertheless, and therefore cannot be characterized as psychotic. Others have made a "full recovery" and suffer no symptoms whatsoever. Its important to remember that the brain is the most plastic (changeable) organ in the human body. It is capable of amazing transformations and adaptations. A really good book to read is "Tomorrow I was always a lion". It is a true first-person narrative written by a woman who suffered acutely from schizophrenia for a period of 8 years. She spent most of that time in the hospital...she had bizarre and overpowering visual and auditory hallucinations, extreme delusions, self-harming behaviors, suicide attempts and so on. At one point she was even eating the walls! With the right help and enough time...an entire support team... she recovered completely. She is now a professor at the University of Oslo. Its definitively worth the read!

Anyway, that is enough for me for now.

Just know that you are not alone. With the right help you can find an answer with regards to your condition and get the treatment you need, whatever that might consist of. I feel deeply for your suffering and wish you all the very best.

Best regards,
Cat
 
DiAnna

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I have been taking Risperdol for over a year, I still constantly hear my two voices. I can distinguish fact from fiction. My question is at 2 mg a day what are the odds I will relapse if I cut the medication out? I am asking your opinion I will check with my doctor but the side effects are horrible. I have gained thirty pounds and that alone makes me feel down. You seem very knowledgeable and I ask for your input.
 
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forumuser23

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I have been taking Risperdol for over a year, I still constantly hear my two voices. I can distinguish fact from fiction. My question is at 2 mg a day what are the odds I will relapse if I cut the medication out? I am asking your opinion I will check with my doctor but the side effects are horrible. I have gained thirty pounds and that alone makes me feel down. You seem very knowledgeable and I ask for your input.
i never understood the whole voices or seeing things that are not there thing and what causes it. i never had any type of hallucination, though i do understand that you do not need to have any hallucinations to have a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, even for schizophrenia, but i may have been misdiagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. my current actual professionally made diagnosis(s) are schizotypal personality disorder and major depression. i do not take any psychiatric medications currently, and i am trying as much as possible to avoid them and find alternative treatments and understanding of what exactly i suffer from, even if it involves going outside my medi-Cal insurance, seeing a specific provider or purchasing certain costly supplements / herbs, etc.

anyways, for your case, it's hard to tell whether you will "Relapse" or not if you cut the medication out as you didn't specifically say how the medication is helping you and / or why you're taking it in the first place. obviously the medication isn't helping with the voices you have still, but what has it done to make you feel better? you mention the side effects are horrible, now, if it's mainly from the weight gain, then you have to be a bit more reasonable, unnecessary weight gain can be a problem but it matters more how you function overall, rather than how you may feel more psychologically from it. that's a decision you just have to make on your own, perhaps asking later on your psychiatrist if there is any medication suitable that causes the least weight gain or lesser at least than the one you have now.

i have yet to find a understanding on the whole schizo related disorders, specifically the ones related to psychosis and / or mania, as it's unclear if i suffer from mania ( more specifically hypomania ) or psychosis. to me, causes matter much more than the symptom itself. for example, when I've looked at many people who developed or had psychosis, it was because they used illegal drugs / drug abuse, and that's why they ended up the way they were, rather than something that was off from the start. also these people i'm talking about, the majority of them, their "psychosis" was the hallucination type of hearing voices or seeing things that are not there, not the type you see in simple schizophrenia that is only negative symptoms.

i think for those with schizoaffective "depressive subtype", who DON'T have hallucinations, are gonna have the most difficulty in finding proper treatment, espicially if they are commorbid with personality disorders, as i haven't came across any in mental health groups and even asking my psychologist about it, because she's had many schizoaffective patients and they all were pretty much like the people here, they didn't have the "unique" problems i had and all of them were medicated, and even if they weren't, the qualitative type of impairements they had weren't much different as most of the problems revolved around the whole hallucination part, and less from "unknown" factors.
 
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