• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Anyone had toxic parents?

W

wordypuzzler

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 1, 2020
Messages
48
Location
Uk
Do you think it's coinidence that myself, my bro and my sister between us never had a friend? I could just off the top of my head from memory reel off 50 names of our childhood friends who my dad ensured we had nothing to do with. At 34 I'm not sure I'd know what to do. I suppose I was just hoping to find out if anyone else had this scenario or even if it was relatable at all to anyone. The more I learn the more I realise my dad is/was a narcissistic bully and my mum likely his ideal manipulated victim.
Hello, so sorry to hear what you’re going through since all those years. I had toxic parents too and I cut ties from them in jan or feb 1999. Abusing others is all some people will even know. It sounds like moving to your own accommodation would be a good first step. Your sanity is important and I believe you can regain it slowly and steady. Narcissistic behaviour is horrible, and I was just reading another article on ways narcissistic people abuse others. Sounds a bit like what you described in your posts. It’s horrible and leaves deep emotional wounds.


Baby steps, to a new improved life. It’s hard to shake off their toxic stink, but its possible.
I write when I feel the clouds coming into my mind (which is often), so maybe this could be something for you to try too? Diary or journal writing? Help you unravel the jumbled thoughts.


Wordy.
 
jajingna

jajingna

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 31, 2020
Messages
657
Location
Canada
My parents are gone, the effects are not. I can only once recall my father sleeping in the same bed as my mother. Otherwise he was on that couch in the living room, full of unhappy feelings day after day, smoking up a storm and wanting to be left alone, while full of criticism for his clever sons, and mostly void of encouragement or affection.

Mother was also difficult as a schizophrenic with numerous hospital stays. The home was a bit more peaceful without the parents hateful arguments while she was hospitalized.

I had a couple short-term girlfriends in Asia, where I lived for 15 years, losing lots of teaching jobs and drinking way too much, but most of my experiences with women were with prostitutes while drunk, mostly that was the only was I could handle being with a woman. I had a few good drinking buddies though.

The background never left, perhaps it's been pushed into the shadows at times. It's such a shame to neglect and abuse children, then later criticize them for not being good enough. Like, how was a child going to grow into a confident young man, growing up in a broken home of hurt.

A psychologist told me long ago you never really get over it. At age 50 that sounds right to me.
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 16, 2020
Messages
2,187
Location
Glasgow
I'm a 34 year old male. My earliest memories are of my dad punching, kicking, spitting on us as little kids (I have 2 older siblings) - my dad was a nasty piece of work, a vile bully, I as the youngest of the 3 can only relate my childhood to physical abuse, being told in no uncertain terms ANY "friend" we ever had was a user, not to be trusted, etc. It's likely no real surprise then at 34, my brother 38, my sister 41, not one of us have ever made any friendships. My mum and dad have never had a single friend between them, on the few occasions they ever attended social events they would always return home to spend hours ranting about how horrible everyone is.

Some of my earliest memories are those of my mum cowering in a corner balling her eyes out begging my dad to leave me alone (I was likely 4/5 then) because he always had a drink problem and there were occasions he would kick and punch me in a corner (as a toddler) so brutally they would keep me off school for a week and even advise me on what I should say if ever questioned.

If I ever bring any of this up I'm going openly called a liar, fabricator, my mum....my own mum, who lived through all this, stood and watched her youngest be assaulted at every opportunity, now openly stands in front of me as a grown man, tells me I'm lying, fabricating it all, and so on.

I love my parents but I feel enough is enough....
My mother killed herself when i was 10 and my dad was and alcoholic and a junkie so i feel tour pain brother. Your not alone
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 30, 2010
Messages
5,065
Location
Bristol, TN/VA, USA (near mountains and 6 hours fr
your story sounds so so familiar. my ex had a similar upbringing and the lies from his mother to this day "I didn't know" She cries like she is the victim and has no empathy. She did so fucking know! From years of therapy together dealing with this with him, I can definitively say: go no contact and stay that way. avoid people who try to be in the middle and convey messages. this is called triangulation. Get into therapy. and there are some excellent youtube videos out. The one I think most helpful is a guy named Tom who goes by narcissism survivor. He lived it too. Put those people in the rear view mirror. Recovery is long and difficult but worth every step. (((hugs)))
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 16, 2020
Messages
2,187
Location
Glasgow
Still love my parents after all the shit so i get where your coming from. We need to move beyond our parents and our upbringing in each generation.if not not we make no progress as a species
 
Halle29

Halle29

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 10, 2020
Messages
55
Location
USA
My dad used to call me names as a kid because I tried to protect my mom from his frequent physical and verbal abuse. He would call me the devil, dumb and other disparaging terms. My mother was usually so emotionally distraught and damaged from that marriage and her dysfunctional upbringing that she wasn't able to emotionally support me. So it's no surprise that I also have difficulties forming bonds. I don't trust many people and I if I do they abuse me because I allow them to overstep my boundaries and to disrespect me. Because I was so starved for attention as a child I nearly accepted any attention even if negative and dysfunctional. So recently I started to really analyze how my "friends" are treating me and I've had to break off every single friendship I've had (except for a couple). These friends have put me down for decades and I didn't notice until my therapist and real friend informed me that that's unacceptable behavior. Also, I would always be there for them at beck and call but they would never be there for me when I needed them most. So now I have to start again. Not a great time because of COVID 19 but I am now more aware of what's acceptable and healthy and what's not.

Don't feel defeated. Be willing to change. I hope you're going to therapy to work through this. Having dysfunctional parents really is a detriment to building healthy relationships, so you may have your work cut out for you (as do I). If you need someone to talk to, we are here. Best of luck.
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 16, 2020
Messages
2,187
Location
Glasgow
My dad used to call me names as a kid because I tried to protect my mom from his frequent physical and verbal abuse. He would call me the devil, dumb and other disparaging terms. My mother was usually so emotionally distraught and damaged from that marriage and her dysfunctional upbringing that she wasn't able to emotionally support me. So it's no surprise that I also have difficulties forming bonds. I don't trust many people and I if I do they abuse me because I allow them to overstep my boundaries and to disrespect me. Because I was so starved for attention as a child I nearly accepted any attention even if negative and dysfunctional. So recently I started to really analyze how my "friends" are treating me and I've had to break off every single friendship I've had (except for a couple). These friends have put me down for decades and I didn't notice until my therapist and real friend informed me that that's unacceptable behavior. Also, I would always be there for them at beck and call but they would never be there for me when I needed them most. So now I have to start again. Not a great time because of COVID 19 but I am now more aware of what's acceptable and healthy and what's not.

Don't feel defeated. Be willing to change. I hope you're going to therapy to work through this. Having dysfunctional parents really is a detriment to building healthy relationships, so you may have your work cut out for you (as do I). If you need someone to talk to, we are here. Best of luck.
Yup we are all products of our childhood. Hence why we are all on here talking to each other.
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 16, 2020
Messages
2,187
Location
Glasgow
My dad used to call me names as a kid because I tried to protect my mom from his frequent physical and verbal abuse. He would call me the devil, dumb and other disparaging terms. My mother was usually so emotionally distraught and damaged from that marriage and her dysfunctional upbringing that she wasn't able to emotionally support me. So it's no surprise that I also have difficulties forming bonds. I don't trust many people and I if I do they abuse me because I allow them to overstep my boundaries and to disrespect me. Because I was so starved for attention as a child I nearly accepted any attention even if negative and dysfunctional. So recently I started to really analyze how my "friends" are treating me and I've had to break off every single friendship I've had (except for a couple). These friends have put me down for decades and I didn't notice until my therapist and real friend informed me that that's unacceptable behavior. Also, I would always be there for them at beck and call but they would never be there for me when I needed them most. So now I have to start again. Not a great time because of COVID 19 but I am now more aware of what's acceptable and healthy and what's not.

Don't feel defeated. Be willing to change. I hope you're going to therapy to work through this. Having dysfunctional parents really is a detriment to building healthy relationships, so you may have your work cut out for you (as do I). If you need someone to talk to, we are here. Best of luck.
Your a strong fella getting in the middle of your ma and da. Yer still the same fella
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 16, 2020
Messages
2,187
Location
Glasgow
It was a lot for a young girl to bear. The truth is they never had a loving relationship. He would insult her as soon as he saw her. Cheat on her. Beat her. She told me he was a worse father than he was a husband. He eventually ended up abandoning us many years ago (we came home and his things were gone). Doesn't call for holidays or birthdays or anything although I hear he's still alive. So I feel like I don't really have a father even though he's still alive. I don't know how a father could have kids and not talk to them. It is for this reason that I have chosen not to have kids. I don't want to repeat the dysfunction I experienced.
Ok apologies for the fella thing but the rest holds true. I never had a ma or da growing up either. Id bet most folk on here had probs with one or both or never had any. But your still here soldiering on. Strength in longevity
 
Halle29

Halle29

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 10, 2020
Messages
55
Location
USA
Ok apologies for the fella thing but the rest holds true. I never had a ma or da growing up either. Id bet most folk on here had probs with one or both or never had any. But your still here soldiering on. Strength in longevity
It's true, we are all here soldiering on. For many of us it may be a lifelong process dealing with the effects of our childhoods. A lot of undoing and unlearning and retraining. Best of luck to you. I really can't imagine what you went through.
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 16, 2020
Messages
2,187
Location
Glasgow
It was a lot for a young girl to bear.
We become better than our parentts. Thats my
It's true, we are all here soldiering on. For many of us it may be a lifelong process dealing with the effects of our childhoods. A lot of undoing and unlearning and retraining. Best of luck to you. I really can't imagine what you went through.
I didnt go through anything worse than you or any other member here. We carry on and become better than our parents. We become better humans and pass that on to the next generation. Then they become better than us, an so on and so forth
 
Top