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anyone feel this way?

S

sunshine76

New member
Joined
Feb 16, 2010
Messages
4
I am a 33 yo female, in a happy relationship, self employed in a job I enjoy. I have suffered with OCD for as long as I can remember and have always been an extremely anxious, over-sensitive person. My main problem at present (and for some years) is crippling guilt and fear that i have done something wrong. Every week it is something new but the current trend is that I have said or done something horrendous that will be found out and I will lose everyone I love.
I went out at the weekend for my fiances birthday and had a lot to drink. because my memory of the evening is fuzzy I am convinced that I said something awful to someone - something truly wierd. I would never hurt anybody but I am regularly convinced I have done so. I think I may have told someone's secret or said something digusting and that I will get in huge trouble for it. because of this I am in a constant state of anxiety waiting for the worst to happen. it used to be medical fear (I was convinced for years I had AIDS with no basis for this whatsoever). I will find a message for me in everything - lines of a song, a book and be sure it is a personal message of warning to me. Today i am still haunted by the night out - sure that I blurted out something strange. My fiance tells me otherwise - i just can't believe him. Is this really just in my head? Does anyone suffer from this exact same thing?
I cannot eat or concentrate and cancelled two meetings today because I cannot bear to go out of the front door. I feel so low and scared and want to burst into tears all the time.
9 months ago my doctor described anti-depressents. I came off them as I felt worse, completely spaced out. I am undergoing CBT but this doesn't seem to help. I know from experience that the fear passes but each time I just think "this will be the time it's real - this will be the time you have really messed your life up". I become convinced I have cheated on my fiance or that I have done something bad and blocked it out. My poor fiance can't reassure me - he tries - but he can't understamnd how I feel as he is so laid back. Does anyone else experience this type of obssesive thought and anxiety/guilt?
 
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poptarts21

Active member
Joined
Feb 14, 2010
Messages
27
Location
East Midlands
My lord, every single detail you just described is me :S
I am so happy i am welling up, that i have found someone who feels the same way.

Theres little things, that i have done in the past i have gotten over them told myself to stop being silly but they have all came mounting back up on me, The memories i have of them say to me i have done nothing wrong, and anyone else wouldnt even think twice about them, but somehow i have convinced myself i am lying to myself and i did do things wrong. now i cant concentrate on one thing and have stayed in bed all day, but cannot sleep so its not much help. When i look back to when i last felt normal, i seem to think to myself now that i wasnt, and that i have always been feeling guilty, when i am pretty sure i have never felt even this bad. But how can i know?
I am going to my doctor for the first time tomorrow.
Hopefully he will help me, someone needs to, its horrible living like this, what a waste of life eh? constant worry.
Does anything make you happy anymore, i am just always so upset and everything is a battle. i just stare into space alot and even speaking is hard sometimes.
I feel trapped like nobody can ever help me :(
Im just glad you feel the same!!
 
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