Anyone else have strange delusions when not in a psychotic manic episode?

[Tsrifle]

For background info: I have adhd, generalized anxiety disorder,, and a social phobia/social anxiety disorder (the title depends on the doctor who wrote it lol) and bipolar 1.———-
I constantly feel like there’s someone with me watching me, and talking to/about me. I’ll imagine the conversations they have word for word, with specific voices and inflections. I know they’re not actually there, but I’ll still change my actions based on them. Like I won’t watch porn/masturbate (sorry lol but it’s relevant) because I feel ashamed like they’re watching me, and I would hear/imagine them making awful comments about me. Even down to looking at memes, I’ll skip certain ones that I feel like the person in my head would look down at me for looking at. Like a makeup meme if it’s a dude who’d think I was stupid for looking at makeup and liking it. It’s just a constant thing, sometimes it’ll last an hour and then the person will go away, sometimes it’ll be ten minutes, and sometimes it’ll be all day. ——-
As I’ve gotten older (and been put on seroquel lol) I’ts gotten easier to force myself to do the things I like and want to without an overwhelming feeling of shame and worry about what they might think. I used to not be able to take showers alone/ had to cover myself with a coat/blanket whenever I went to the bathroom, but now it’s not as present, and it’s not all the time. Plus the conversations aren’t always super in detail now, and usually I’m talking to the person and imagine our conversations, instead of having multiple people having conversations and I hear them. ———-
I don’t feel like it’s part of psychosis, because I know that the person is not real and I’m just imagining the thoughts, and because I don’t actually hear the voices or see the person. ———
I wondered if it was just extreme social anxiety, and Im anxious about what other people would think about what I’m doing so much that I start imagining it, but other people with social anxiety I’ve talked to dont do quite the same thing, it’s usually like thinking the person will judge them or whatever but not actually hearing it ya know.———-
Im sorry this is so long and so scattered, my brain is only able to stay on one topic for about three seconds right now, but hopefully this group will understand that lol. ——-
If anybody has had similar things or even just has some sort of input on this I would really appreciate it.——-
Obviously I’m talking to my doctor about it, and of course I’m not expecting anyone to be able to tell me 100% what it is, but I don’t really know many people I can talk to about this that struggle with bipolar, so hopefully I’ll gain some new insight through this. Thank y’all so much for reading all this lol

 

[Fairy Lucretia]

just wanted to welcome you to the forum x love Lu x

 

[NWiddi]

I'm a fully fledged voice hearer and my belief is that I share my body with another consciousness, it's like I'm the driver of the body and this other mind is a passenger along for the ride.

I believe my passenger shares all of my senses so he feels, sees, hears, smells and tastes what I do and he experiences life mainly through me, he's shown me he can influence my mind by giving me thoughts, impulses and ideas to do certain things. He can even influence my emotions and dreams.

Anti-psychotics have helped me distinguish what are his thoughts and emotions and what are my own, as I took a higher dose his influence over me weakened so I'm not surprised you're getting a sense that you're not alone.

For the most part they're nothing to be scared of and I'm sure yours enjoys self 'gratification' as much as you do so don't let that put you off.

But imagine you have like a twin brother/sister (I don't know your gender) that shares your body with you, this other mind has lived with you and influenced you all your life so knows you better than any other person could possibly know you, this gives them the potential to be your greatest friend or worst enemy.

A book I read puts forward the idea that our mind occupies the left hemisphere of the brain while this second mind occupies the right, it also has a chapter on religions and cultures and says most have had some concept of duality for thousands of years so this notion isn't something new. The book describes them as 'your extraordinary secret self' and they really are quite extraordinary, you wouldn't believe how amazing they are.

If you're interested in hearing more just let me know but if nothing here resonates with you feel free to dismiss this as the ramblings of a mad man.

 

[JessisMe]

I have Bipolar 1 and have nothing like what you have described. The voice you have described kind of sounds more like Schizophrenia. I do experience delusions between manic episodes but usually they are more along the lines of I have all these friends that I have never met before, I am close personal friends with various politicians and celebrities, I am a powerful and well connected person, I have lots of money, etc...none of which are true. These are misapprehensions that I have had along with many others when not in mania Usually what I experience is more along those lines.

 

[Blackrose09]

Feeling a presence - are you alone or is there someone with you?

Maybe you have at some point felt like there was someone in the same room as you. However, you look around and find that you're alone. That feeling of a presence, of feeling like someone is near you, is a phenomenon that happens more frequently than we'd like to think.

exploringyourmind.com

 

[HLon99]

Hi Tsrifle,

I can relate to some of what you are saying. Delusions in bipolar disorder come in one of two types. Mood Congruent and Mood incongruent delusions.

Mood Congruent Delusion are delusions which match the mood and emotional state that you are in. These can be things like grandiose delusions during Manic episodes (feeling of omnipotence, invincibility, god-like powers ect) and delusions of guilt/shame during depressive episodes (irrational belief that you have committed an awful act, sinned against God or that you are a terrible person who deserves to be punished, despite no actual terrible act being committed). This can also occur in psychotic depression

Mood Incongruent Delusions are delusions which do not match your mood. They are considered to be the more serious of the two. These are things like delusions of persecution, in other words Paranoia (the feeling the someone is trying to follow you or brainwash or control you somehow. There are more examples of this such as the irrational belief that a partner is cheating on you, the security services bugging your house etc but I won't delve into that.

I experienced both mood congruent and mood incongruent delusions and they had various impacts on my behaviour. When I was depressed I believed that I was some awful person who had committed terrible acts and that I ought to punish myself and destroy my body and mind by ingesting large quantities of food and cannabis. When my mood was stable, but I was experiencing paranoia, I would believe that people of the streets were following me and I had to constantly look around to make sure. Also, I believed that my mother was trying to manipulate me.

Luckily, my psychiatrist prescribed Aripiprazole (Abilify) to me and I am feeling a lot better now. I no longer experience delusions of any kind. There is some debate as to what diagnosis this condition is. Usually when there is an element of delusions without full-blown psychosis, its know as Bipolar Disorder with Psychotic Features. When the delusions are coupled with the other clear signs of psychosis (hallucinations, voices, thought disorder and negative symptoms) it is usually called Schizoaffective disorder.

The key difference between anxiety and psychosis/psychotic features is plausibility or degree of loss of touch with reality. Anxiety is usually a psychological response to a particular trigger for instance you hear a song which reminds you of a negative childhood memory and this triggers a panic attack. Paranoia on the other hand, is the irrational fear of persecution with little to no evidence of the fact, there is usually no clear external trigger.

I am not a doctor so I cannot diagnose you for sure, but it is possible that you are experiencing some 'psychotic features'. I recommend that you speak to your psychiatrist about this in more detail. It can be very hard to explain, and some psychiatrist tend to refute this and not prescribe any treatment until full-blown psychosis strike (which sucks). If that happens I strongly recommend that you see a new psychiatrist, its an important and often overlooked part of bipolar disorder. I would suggest to keep a diary of your thoughts to monitor your state of mind and to identify patterns of thinking which might be concerning. You say that seroquel has helped you so I would suggest you keep taking that and perhaps ask for a dosage increase, better to be safe than sorry.

I wish you all the best and for a speedy recover. Any questions please ask.

regards,
-H

 

[h_put2021]

Hi Tsrifle,

I can relate to some of what you are saying. Delusions in bipolar disorder come in one of two types. Mood Congruent and Mood incongruent delusions.

Mood Congruent Delusion are delusions which match the mood and emotional state that you are in. These can be things like grandiose delusions during Manic episodes (feeling of omnipotence, invincibility, god-like powers ect) and delusions of guilt/shame during depressive episodes (irrational belief that you have committed an awful act, sinned against God or that you are a terrible person who deserves to be punished, despite no actual terrible act being committed). This can also occur in psychotic depression

Mood Incongruent Delusions are delusions which do not match your mood. They are considered to be the more serious of the two. These are things like delusions of persecution, in other words Paranoia (the feeling the someone is trying to follow you or brainwash or control you somehow. There are more examples of this such as the irrational belief that a partner is cheating on you, the security services bugging your house etc but I won't delve into that.

I experienced both mood congruent and mood incongruent delusions and they had various impacts on my behaviour. When I was depressed I believed that I was some awful person who had committed terrible acts and that I ought to punish myself and destroy my body and mind by ingesting large quantities of food and cannabis. When my mood was stable, but I was experiencing paranoia, I would believe that people of the streets were following me and I had to constantly look around to make sure. Also, I believed that my mother was trying to manipulate me.

Luckily, my psychiatrist prescribed Aripiprazole (Abilify) to me and I am feeling a lot better now. I no longer experience delusions of any kind. There is some debate as to what diagnosis this condition is. Usually when there is an element of delusions without full-blown psychosis, its know as Bipolar Disorder with Psychotic Features. When the delusions are coupled with the other clear signs of psychosis (hallucinations, voices, thought disorder and negative symptoms) it is usually called Schizoaffective disorder.

The key difference between anxiety and psychosis/psychotic features is plausibility or degree of loss of touch with reality. Anxiety is usually a psychological response to a particular trigger for instance you hear a song which reminds you of a negative childhood memory and this triggers a panic attack. Paranoia on the other hand, is the irrational fear of persecution with little to no evidence of the fact, there is usually no clear external trigger.

I am not a doctor so I cannot diagnose you for sure, but it is possible that you are experiencing some 'psychotic features'. I recommend that you speak to your psychiatrist about this in more detail. It can be very hard to explain, and some psychiatrist tend to refute this and not prescribe any treatment until full-blown psychosis strike (which sucks). If that happens I strongly recommend that you see a new psychiatrist, its an important and often overlooked part of bipolar disorder. I would suggest to keep a diary of your thoughts to monitor your state of mind and to identify patterns of thinking which might be concerning. You say that seroquel has helped you so I would suggest you keep taking that and perhaps ask for a dosage increase, better to be safe than sorry.

I wish you all the best and for a speedy recover. Any questions please ask.

regards,
-H

Mood incongruent delusions are AWFUL. I have extreme paranoia during some of my more serious manic or even hypomanic episodes. It caused a lot of fights and arguments but now I understand why... and I was acting really out of the norm like feeling reckless and violent.

 

[h_put2021]

For background info: I have adhd, generalized anxiety disorder,, and a social phobia/social anxiety disorder (the title depends on the doctor who wrote it lol) and bipolar 1.———-
I constantly feel like there’s someone with me watching me, and talking to/about me. I’ll imagine the conversations they have word for word, with specific voices and inflections. I know they’re not actually there, but I’ll still change my actions based on them. Like I won’t watch porn/masturbate (sorry lol but it’s relevant) because I feel ashamed like they’re watching me, and I would hear/imagine them making awful comments about me. Even down to looking at memes, I’ll skip certain ones that I feel like the person in my head would look down at me for looking at. Like a makeup meme if it’s a dude who’d think I was stupid for looking at makeup and liking it. It’s just a constant thing, sometimes it’ll last an hour and then the person will go away, sometimes it’ll be ten minutes, and sometimes it’ll be all day. ——-
As I’ve gotten older (and been put on seroquel lol) I’ts gotten easier to force myself to do the things I like and want to without an overwhelming feeling of shame and worry about what they might think. I used to not be able to take showers alone/ had to cover myself with a coat/blanket whenever I went to the bathroom, but now it’s not as present, and it’s not all the time. Plus the conversations aren’t always super in detail now, and usually I’m talking to the person and imagine our conversations, instead of having multiple people having conversations and I hear them. ———-
I don’t feel like it’s part of psychosis, because I know that the person is not real and I’m just imagining the thoughts, and because I don’t actually hear the voices or see the person. ———
I wondered if it was just extreme social anxiety, and Im anxious about what other people would think about what I’m doing so much that I start imagining it, but other people with social anxiety I’ve talked to dont do quite the same thing, it’s usually like thinking the person will judge them or whatever but not actually hearing it ya know.———-
Im sorry this is so long and so scattered, my brain is only able to stay on one topic for about three seconds right now, but hopefully this group will understand that lol. ——-
If anybody has had similar things or even just has some sort of input on this I would really appreciate it.——-
Obviously I’m talking to my doctor about it, and of course I’m not expecting anyone to be able to tell me 100% what it is, but I don’t really know many people I can talk to about this that struggle with bipolar, so hopefully I’ll gain some new insight through this. Thank y’all so much for reading all this lol

Gosh, this is so relatable. I have a lot of paranoia when I'm manic or hypomanic. Like I think people hate me or I'm being followed or watched by people on the street, etc. It's very overwhelming and sometimes quite frightening. The imagination and mind is wild sometimes for sure. But thanks for sharing this because 1) it was brave as heck, and 2) now I know I'm not alone in this <3