Anyone else have persistent depression?

[FiddlyDigits]

I'm stuck and I don't know what to do. I have bipolar depression which my doc knows about and tries to treat. I had some improvement in my last appointment I went from practically nonfunctional to able to cope. I was logging 0s and 1s in my mood log to logging 2s and 3s. 0 means the worst most depressed and anxious 10 would be manic. My problem is I've been depressed for over a year (or two I'd have to ask my wife time just passes for me). A 2 mood is my norm.

I'm on a mood stabilizer an antipsychotic and an antidepressant. My doc said BP depression is hard to treat. My issue is that I have no quality of life. I'm so miserable and unhappy 24/7. I thought the purpose of getting on meds was to improve quality of life. I just survive and that's it sometimes I'm barely doing that. I was happier off meds until I went dangerously into a mixed episode with psychotic features. No I don't want to get off meds I'm just frustrated.

On top off all that my work is suffering. I've always been highly functional I just hide my illness (hard to do when manic). Last week I spent mornings asleep on a couch instead of working. That put me behind on a project. My boss has talked to me about work performance. I'm afraid I'll be fired for being too slow because I'm depressed and scared. That weighs heavily on me and feeds my depression. I can't relax on the weekend from work stress.

Has anyone seen improvement from depression or does it just stay with you? Is there enjoyment in life after curing mania? How do you cope with work or a bad job that's wrong for you? How do you cope with getting fired from your job?

Thanks

 

[Mario82]

Hi FiddlyDigits, I am Mario, welcome to the site. It's safe and non-judgemental on here.

By posting this thread you have shown great courage and taken the first step. You are admitting you are not well and need help, that shows insight!

I understand about the work suffering - frankly, I am amazed you've managed to function as long as you have while being really depressed, it shows great strength of character. I know at my worst I didn't even want to get out of bed. So well done on that and it's no wonder it's starting to slip now with all the pressure you are under and current events in the world.

As for the depression itself, there is hope. I was depressed for years and do sometimes feel down, but rarely can I not get out of bed and not function anymore. My anti-depressants and anti-psychotic have worked for me. It seems like yours aren't working for you and your doctor said BP depression is hard to treat, so will take his word for it. Is there no way you can try different meds? Could he not increase the dosage?

There is no simple cure, depression is often something that we can't pinpoint a reason for. Can you not even find any job in spending time with your wife?

I wish I could be of more help. I have been there and it sucks mate, it really does. Best thing I can say is maybe you would respond to different medication, and maybe someone to talk to would also be good for you. It's a tricky situation.