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Anyone else find in recovery, the idea of being better is terrifying

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dewey

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It's hard to make steps towards recovery, because the idea you could get better is fucking terrifying, because you are so used to being like this.
The idea of being happy is terrifying.
It feels like something which could never happen for you or should never happen.
 
Parayana

Parayana

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I'm happy a lot of thhe time these days due to meditation and medication, but I've been in the depths of depression and psychosis. I prefer the way I feel these days. Even partial recovery is worth it.
 
LizBo

LizBo

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Hey @dewey
I used to feel the exact same way in the beginning of my recovery. Even so, I pushed on and found it wasn't happiness at all that lay ahead, it was calm.

If I had the choice between the two, calm wins out every time. You can sustain it unlike happiness which is fleeting.

Keep up the great work! You deserve a break from your mind. The value in what you accomplish far outweighs the fear I can assure you.
:flowers:
 
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dewey

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Honestly I have had therapists and been on medication so long, you would think you would start to see a change.

Turns out I've just had this past month one of the worst months of my depression. Now the last few days have been terrible.
I have to bear in mind however there have been fluctuations in my medication and absence of therapist the past month.
But well, I think I need to find a new therapist, as current one seems to go on 'holiday' too much and can't be relied on.

Bloody hell when the depression will disappear I just don't know. The meds need to be sorted out as does a therapist, where both me and the therapist make a commitment.

The worst thing is being tarred with a 'brush'. I can't for example have any hope for getting into a relationship, as long as I have "borderline" behaviours. I have been reading online and so many people say borderline is just a red flag that means RUN. So that's a downer, knowing how off putting your BPD is. It makes me feel even less worthy of love or happiness than I do already.
 
LizBo

LizBo

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I apologize Dewey. I didn't realize you had depression. My recovery was based on treating anxiety/panic related issues. As I understand, it's easier to address.

I'm sorry your therapist is on and off again. They're the worst! It's a good idea to look around. I eventually found a great one who I went to school with. Bit intimidating to begin with, but she 'got' me and I moved forward a lot faster than anticipated.

I understand what you're saying about BPD. A psychiatrist I worked with told me it's a difficult diagnosis to treat. I believe in you though; you're self aware and committed to the process which are biggies when it comes to recovery.
 
daffy

daffy

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Ive had anxiety and depression all my life with blobs of psychosis. The worst part is under control but I’d love a magic pill to take the anxiety and depression away. I think ive tried almost everything including therapy over the years and nothing has worked fully for me
 
T

Turnitoffandonagain

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Apologies for being in the wrong forum (as BPD is not my "issue", though I used to have friends with BPD when I was still in the 'system'...all those relationships gone now).

The thing about 'recovery' is that I feel like its all too late anyway. I'm now quite old. And, frankly, unemployable. So even if my most severe problems -which I would say are the physical ones - suddenly went away...then what do I do? How on earth do I start from here?

I vaguely remember there's a myth in Chinese lore about evil spirits in the form of a fox, that somehow take you over (or maybe impersonate you, I forget the details) for a period of time, proceed to ruin your life, then clear off again leaving you to deal with the consequences. It feels a bit like that.
 
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dewey

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Ive had anxiety and depression all my life with blobs of psychosis. The worst part is under control but I’d love a magic pill to take the anxiety and depression away. I think ive tried almost everything including therapy over the years and nothing has worked fully for me
Yes, it is frustrating. I am sorry your depression and anxiety keep coming back, I know how bad that feels. :hug:
 
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dewey

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Apologies for being in the wrong forum (as BPD is not my "issue", though I used to have friends with BPD when I was still in the 'system'...all those relationships gone now).

The thing about 'recovery' is that I feel like its all too late anyway. I'm now quite old. And, frankly, unemployable. So even if my most severe problems -which I would say are the physical ones - suddenly went away...then what do I do? How on earth do I start from here?

I vaguely remember there's a myth in Chinese lore about evil spirits in the form of a fox, that somehow take you over (or maybe impersonate you, I forget the details) for a period of time, proceed to ruin your life, then clear off again leaving you to deal with the consequences. It feels a bit like that.
I don't know. Feeling like things are 'too late' or you're 'too old', maybe that just sounds like seeing things through the negative depression filter. I'm not saying it's your fault that you think like that, I get the negative thought patterns all the time too.
You might be able to find a job or something to do somehow.
Yeah it does pretty much feel like a fox ravaging your life by the illness.
 
daffy

daffy

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Oops just realisesd this is the BPD section that you were talking about . I was thinking it was just MH in general. Sorry
 
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dewey

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I apologize Dewey. I didn't realize you had depression. My recovery was based on treating anxiety/panic related issues. As I understand, it's easier to address.

I'm sorry your therapist is on and off again. They're the worst! It's a good idea to look around. I eventually found a great one who I went to school with. Bit intimidating to begin with, but she 'got' me and I moved forward a lot faster than anticipated.

I understand what you're saying about BPD. A psychiatrist I worked with told me it's a difficult diagnosis to treat. I believe in you though; you're self aware and committed to the process which are biggies when it comes to recovery.
It's no problem. Anxiety and panic are also bloody awful, I should know. I'm glad you were able to find a way to recover.
Yeah, I've tried so many therapists over the years I've lost count. Definitely have 'looked around' and been very specific with what I want in them, it just seems like bad luck. Anyway.

Thanks for believing in me. I'm not even sure I am committed any more lol, I think I've just kind of surrendered to it in a sense. Thank your for your message.
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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It's hard to make steps towards recovery, because the idea you could get better is fucking terrifying, because you are so used to being like this.
The idea of being happy is terrifying.
It feels like something which could never happen for you or should never happen.
its terrifying but id rather that then stay in the same situation i did for so long i took the first step then never looked back
 
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dewey

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Oops just realisesd this is the BPD section that you were talking about . I was thinking it was just MH in general. Sorry
Doesn't matter at all to me. The self-harm and suicidality in BPD is part of depression so basically everyone with BPD is depressed at some point. And also I suffer from anxiety/panic attacks also. So don't worry.
 
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dewey

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its terrifying but id rather that then stay in the same situation i did for so long i took the first step then never looked back
I definitely feel like I have taken the 'first step forward' but somehow it always comes back.
 
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dewey

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I don't know why I am being so defeatist and shitty lately. I need to get my head out this negative space
 
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