Anyone else feel others' pain too much and are guilty about it?

[Lockpon]

I'm currently bawling my eyes out because my FP/partner is stressed and I can't help in any way at all.

Of course I'd never tell him this, and thank God he's at his own place right now so he doesn't have to see me, but fucking hell. This pain is horrible. I feel like I've been stabbed.

And all the while I feel so horribly bad for my partner I also feel really guilty and like a disgusting human being because I'm the one crying about it. What fucking right do I have to be so upset when he's the one actually struggling?

It gets worse because there have been times he's been stressed and I felt so sad he was stressed I was unable to hide it. There were times I cried and he actually had to comfort me.

What. The. Fuck. How could I do that do him? That's so unbelievably cruel. He's the one dealing with the worst of it and how fucking dare I make him have to give up some emotional energy just to deal with me. I despise myself for that. I truly feel bad for him because he's dating me (nearly 2 years now) but I'm too selfish to let him go.

This emotional pain is so agonising it's giving me thoughts of wishing I didn't exist and yet at the same time I had 2 recent scares I was going to die (severe sepsis, followed by worries of a brain tumour) and I desperately wanted to live. So, what the fuck?

In my delirious severe sepsis state where I could barely talk, walk, or breathe (lobar pneumonia sepsis) I still forced myself up and banged on my father's door to wake up and demanded he take me to hospital. I could very well have just stayed in that bed and died of septic shock and I would've been too delirious to even know how to ask for help. Due to the delirium I don't even remember any of this, I just woke up in hospital and was later told of it by my family.

So clearly there's a desperate instinct in me to live. Yet I've deliberately risked my life so many times, even had suicide attempts. So, what the fuck? It makes no sense to me. I can't even decide if I want to live or die. I guess I'm a coward and living is torture but I'm too scared to die.

I also think I don't want to make anyone sad by dying, but that thought is soon followed by "well, maybe they'd be sad at first but in the long run realise it's much better you're not around", so... I'm conflicted there too.

Sorry this is a bit long. Anyone relate? Any thoughts or anything at all would be really appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read.

(Note: I'm definitely not going to attempt suicide. It was only days ago I was relieved I had no brain tumour. So I hope expressing thoughts related to suicidal feelings is okay.)

 

[Lunus]

I can relate to your message. Try to take a few deep breaths and get yourself into a calmer place. What you are doing is using Emotional Reasoning which is affecting your thoughts, you are looking forward at what might happen and backwards from what has happened, rather than focus on the present. The hear and now. Try to focus on the present moment and do so without judgement of you or anybody else. This should calm your emotions down so you can think clearly about what to do.
My therapist told me two things that could be applicable to you. The first was that I am NOT responsible for other people’s thoughts, feelings and actions..they are! I’m responsible for myself. The second was that I’ve gone through my life ‘expecting’ rather than ‘hoping’. You expect people to do certain things rather than hope they do. This obviously sets you up for disappointment.
I hope this somehow helps but feel I’m rambling now lol.

 

[Lunus]

I'm currently bawling my eyes out because my FP/partner is stressed and I can't help in any way at all.

Of course I'd never tell him this, and thank God he's at his own place right now so he doesn't have to see me, but fucking hell. This pain is horrible. I feel like I've been stabbed.

And all the while I feel so horribly bad for my partner I also feel really guilty and like a disgusting human being because I'm the one crying about it. What fucking right do I have to be so upset when he's the one actually struggling?

It gets worse because there have been times he's been stressed and I felt so sad he was stressed I was unable to hide it. There were times I cried and he actually had to comfort me.

What. The. Fuck. How could I do that do him? That's so unbelievably cruel. He's the one dealing with the worst of it and how fucking dare I make him have to give up some emotional energy just to deal with me. I despise myself for that. I truly feel bad for him because he's dating me (nearly 2 years now) but I'm too selfish to let him go.

This emotional pain is so agonising it's giving me thoughts of wishing I didn't exist and yet at the same time I had 2 recent scares I was going to die (severe sepsis, followed by worries of a brain tumour) and I desperately wanted to live. So, what the fuck?

In my delirious severe sepsis state where I could barely talk, walk, or breathe (lobar pneumonia sepsis) I still forced myself up and banged on my father's door to wake up and demanded he take me to hospital. I could very well have just stayed in that bed and died of septic shock and I would've been too delirious to even know how to ask for help. Due to the delirium I don't even remember any of this, I just woke up in hospital and was later told of it by my family.

So clearly there's a desperate instinct in me to live. Yet I've deliberately risked my life so many times, even had suicide attempts. So, what the fuck? It makes no sense to me. I can't even decide if I want to live or die. I guess I'm a coward and living is torture but I'm too scared to die.

I also think I don't want to make anyone sad by dying, but that thought is soon followed by "well, maybe they'd be sad at first but in the long run realise it's much better you're not around", so... I'm conflicted there too.

Sorry this is a bit long. Anyone relate? Any thoughts or anything at all would be really appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read.

(Note: I'm definitely not going to attempt suicide. It was only days ago I was relieved I had no brain tumour. So I hope expressing thoughts related to suicidal feelings is okay.)

If you’re not seeing a therapist, I’d advise you get yourself a book by Blaise Aguirre and Gillian Galen called Mindfulness for BPD. It will explain why you feel the way you do in this situation.

 

[sadpunchingbag]

i cant relate

 

[Girl interupted]

Show your partner the top half of this post. You have written it beautifully and I think it will give him comfort.

The second bit sounds like you have been editing or withholding stuff in therapy. You need to talk about this in a safe space, and figure out its root cause. It won’t be easy, but you can do it, and the clarity will help stop the roller coaster.

 

[Lockpon]

I can relate to your message. Try to take a few deep breaths and get yourself into a calmer place. What you are doing is using Emotional Reasoning which is affecting your thoughts, you are looking forward at what might happen and backwards from what has happened, rather than focus on the present. The hear and now. Try to focus on the present moment and do so without judgement of you or anybody else. This should calm your emotions down so you can think clearly about what to do.
My therapist told me two things that could be applicable to you. The first was that I am NOT responsible for other people’s thoughts, feelings and actions..they are! I’m responsible for myself. The second was that I’ve gone through my life ‘expecting’ rather than ‘hoping’. You expect people to do certain things rather than hope they do. This obviously sets you up for disappointment.
I hope this somehow helps but feel I’m rambling now lol.

If you’re not seeing a therapist, I’d advise you get yourself a book by Blaise Aguirre and Gillian Galen called Mindfulness for BPD. It will explain why you feel the way you do in this situation.

Hello, thank you very much for taking the time to reply to my post and give me advice about what I should do in this situation. I desperately, desperately needed it. Just seeing your two posts instantly gave me a little bit of a relief and the suggestion that there's something I can read, something I can do right now, to stop or at least understand these horrific emotions was also a big help.

I'm still overcome with sadness and guilt today, but I've been trying to distract myself and now feel a little better. I haven't yet read the book you specifically suggested (though I intend to!), but I looked up "emotional reasoning" and learnt about what the term meant. I can say for certain that phrase applies to me a lot of the time and it's something very difficult to break out of. Especially when my emotions can be so all-encompassing; I can't quite express how much they take over me. The best I can do is compare it to being shot or punched in the gut and then the feelings of pain that wash over you and just won't stop.

While researching that, I also read some things which I found very helpful, so I really appreciate you mentioning the term.

Show your partner the top half of this post. You have written it beautifully and I think it will give him comfort.

The second bit sounds like you have been editing or withholding stuff in therapy. You need to talk about this in a safe space, and figure out its root cause. It won’t be easy, but you can do it, and the clarity will help stop the roller coaster.

Hey, thank you so much for your kind words. I've written a reply post on another thread of yours, but I'd like to say some things here too.

I'm tearing up a bit at "written beautifully" especially, funnily enough. Writing is one of the very very few things I like to think I'm at least okay at, something I could maybe have a future in if I just developed the skills to deal with my mental illness, so that compliment means a lot. With delirium and severe sepsis, I know there is a very real risk of being mentally impaired. I am absolutely terrified that's happened to me during my delirious stages, and even after I had been admitted to hospital, there were times I lost my ability to read. It really shook me.

I can only pray that impairment hasn't happened and I can still one day maybe pursue some sort of writing career, or at least continue writing the fan works and my own little novels people sometimes leave nice comments on. It's something I really enjoy.

And without making this too long - you're absolutely right. I hope to be starting DBT this year, so there I will be sure to talk openly and honestly about these thoughts and feelings I have.

 

[Lunus]

Hello, thank you very much for taking the time to reply to my post and give me advice about what I should do in this situation. I desperately, desperately needed it. Just seeing your two posts instantly gave me a little bit of a relief and the suggestion that there's something I can read, something I can do right now, to stop or at least understand these horrific emotions was also a big help.

I'm still overcome with sadness and guilt today, but I've been trying to distract myself and now feel a little better. I haven't yet read the book you specifically suggested (though I intend to!), but I looked up "emotional reasoning" and learnt about what the term meant. I can say for certain that phrase applies to me a lot of the time and it's something very difficult to break out of. Especially when my emotions can be so all-encompassing; I can't quite express how much they take over me. The best I can do is compare it to being shot or punched in the gut and then the feelings of pain that wash over you and just won't stop.

While researching that, I also read some things which I found very helpful, so I really appreciate you mentioning the term.

Hey, thank you so much for your kind words. I've written a reply post on another thread of yours, but I'd like to say some things here too.

I'm tearing up a bit at "written beautifully" especially, funnily enough. Writing is one of the very very few things I like to think I'm at least okay at, something I could maybe have a future in if I just developed the skills to deal with my mental illness, so that compliment means a lot. With delirium and severe sepsis, I know there is a very real risk of being mentally impaired. I am absolutely terrified that's happened to me during my delirious stages, and even after I had been admitted to hospital, there were times I lost my ability to read. It really shook me.

I can only pray that impairment hasn't happened and I can still one day maybe pursue some sort of writing career, or at least continue writing the fan works and my own little novels people sometimes leave nice comments on. It's something I really enjoy.

And without making this too long - you're absolutely right. I hope to be starting DBT this year, so there I will be sure to talk openly and honestly about these thoughts and feelings I have.

I’ve just started DBT. It’s absolutely brilliant.

 

[Lunus]

I’ve just started DBT. It’s absolutely brilliant.

I know what your emotions are like as I become grief stricken with the slightest amount of stress. It’s just that we struggle through genetics and an invalidating environment. Therefore you either suffering or are extremely excited, nothing in between. The book I mentioned will teach you to be Mindful. Mindfulness is another word you should look up, it’s key to recovery. It teaches you to live in the present moment just focusing on the here and now, WITHOUT judgement. For example you’re not doing that at the moment, your brain is using emotional reasoning (everything that’s happened/everything that might happen) which triggers your emotions and feelings and causes you to suffer.
Be aware the vast majority of people can recover and learn to be mindful. I got that book as an Audio book and listen to it everyday in the car. I think my progress has been staggering so far.

 

[Lunus]

Hello, thank you very much for taking the time to reply to my post and give me advice about what I should do in this situation. I desperately, desperately needed it. Just seeing your two posts instantly gave me a little bit of a relief and the suggestion that there's something I can read, something I can do right now, to stop or at least understand these horrific emotions was also a big help.

I'm still overcome with sadness and guilt today, but I've been trying to distract myself and now feel a little better. I haven't yet read the book you specifically suggested (though I intend to!), but I looked up "emotional reasoning" and learnt about what the term meant. I can say for certain that phrase applies to me a lot of the time and it's something very difficult to break out of. Especially when my emotions can be so all-encompassing; I can't quite express how much they take over me. The best I can do is compare it to being shot or punched in the gut and then the feelings of pain that wash over you and just won't stop.

While researching that, I also read some things which I found very helpful, so I really appreciate you mentioning the term.

Hey, thank you so much for your kind words. I've written a reply post on another thread of yours, but I'd like to say some things here too.

I'm tearing up a bit at "written beautifully" especially, funnily enough. Writing is one of the very very few things I like to think I'm at least okay at, something I could maybe have a future in if I just developed the skills to deal with my mental illness, so that compliment means a lot. With delirium and severe sepsis, I know there is a very real risk of being mentally impaired. I am absolutely terrified that's happened to me during my delirious stages, and even after I had been admitted to hospital, there were times I lost my ability to read. It really shook me.

I can only pray that impairment hasn't happened and I can still one day maybe pursue some sort of writing career, or at least continue writing the fan works and my own little novels people sometimes leave nice comments on. It's something I really enjoy.

And without making this too long - you're absolutely right. I hope to be starting DBT this year, so there I will be sure to talk openly and honestly about these thoughts and feelings I have.

Have a listen to this guy. It might help you feel better. Search for him on YouTube if you like this as he’s done lots of videos. I’ll leave you in peace lol

 

[Girl interupted]

Hello, thank you very much for taking the time to reply to my post and give me advice about what I should do in this situation. I desperately, desperately needed it. Just seeing your two posts instantly gave me a little bit of a relief and the suggestion that there's something I can read, something I can do right now, to stop or at least understand these horrific emotions was also a big help.

I'm still overcome with sadness and guilt today, but I've been trying to distract myself and now feel a little better. I haven't yet read the book you specifically suggested (though I intend to!), but I looked up "emotional reasoning" and learnt about what the term meant. I can say for certain that phrase applies to me a lot of the time and it's something very difficult to break out of. Especially when my emotions can be so all-encompassing; I can't quite express how much they take over me. The best I can do is compare it to being shot or punched in the gut and then the feelings of pain that wash over you and just won't stop.

While researching that, I also read some things which I found very helpful, so I really appreciate you mentioning the term.

Hey, thank you so much for your kind words. I've written a reply post on another thread of yours, but I'd like to say some things here too.

I'm tearing up a bit at "written beautifully" especially, funnily enough. Writing is one of the very very few things I like to think I'm at least okay at, something I could maybe have a future in if I just developed the skills to deal with my mental illness, so that compliment means a lot. With delirium and severe sepsis, I know there is a very real risk of being mentally impaired. I am absolutely terrified that's happened to me during my delirious stages, and even after I had been admitted to hospital, there were times I lost my ability to read. It really shook me.

I can only pray that impairment hasn't happened and I can still one day maybe pursue some sort of writing career, or at least continue writing the fan works and my own little novels people sometimes leave nice comments on. It's something I really enjoy.

And without making this too long - you're absolutely right. I hope to be starting DBT this year, so there I will be sure to talk openly and honestly about these thoughts and feelings I have.

I write professionally for a living. It was a sincere compliment.

Your mh doesn’t define you. Doesn’t limit you.

You can be anything you want to be.

Xox

 

[Girl interupted]

. I think my progress has been staggering so far.

Me too. You are doing awesome, and the people in your life are benefitting from your courage.

 

[Lockpon]

Note: I'll try to end the thread with this post. I've already received so much kindness and good advice, so I'll keep it to my journal from now on.

I know what your emotions are like as I become grief stricken with the slightest amount of stress. It’s just that we struggle through genetics and an invalidating environment. Therefore you either suffering or are extremely excited, nothing in between. The book I mentioned will teach you to be Mindful. Mindfulness is another word you should look up, it’s key to recovery. It teaches you to live in the present moment just focusing on the here and now, WITHOUT judgement. For example you’re not doing that at the moment, your brain is using emotional reasoning (everything that’s happened/everything that might happen) which triggers your emotions and feelings and causes you to suffer.
Be aware the vast majority of people can recover and learn to be mindful. I got that book as an Audio book and listen to it everyday in the car. I think my progress has been staggering so far.

Have a listen to this guy. It might help you feel better. Search for him on YouTube if you like this as he’s done lots of videos. I’ll leave you in peace lol

Hey, I wanted to take the time to say thank you so much for taking all this time to reply to my thread - even offering books and youtube videos. I've already saved the book name in my "I need to recover" notepad file and I'll be sure to do the same with the videos. I know there's no time like the present but...

Unfortunately, rather ridiculously, the feelings and sadness never stopped, hahaha. I went through wave after wave of sadness and then grief like I'd already lost him. I kept a journal of my sadness tbroughout the night (I try to keep one generally) which eventually descended into me just writing a stream of insults directed at myself. My sadness became anger directed at myself and then it kept going back and forth.

I got a whopping 3 hours of sleep despite the fact I'd been up over 24h. Even now, I'm tearing up. I didn't eat a thing yesterday, only got water to ease the headache from all the sobbing. It's amazing how strong these emotions can be, isn't it?

But that doesn't mean I won't improve. And I'm really sorry if this reply seems like I'm disregarding any of the kind advice you've given me - I don't mean it that way at all. I'm really, truly grateful. I guess for the moment this intense sadness is preventing me from doing much else. But it will end. And I'm starting DBT too. There's still hope, even if my emotions don't want to do anything else but grieve over my FP (despite not having lost him) and find as many harsh synonyms as they can to direct at me. There's still hope, and you have given me more hope - a precious thing.

I write professionally for a living. It was a sincere compliment.

Your mh doesn’t define you. Doesn’t limit you.

You can be anything you want to be.

Xox

This reply made me smile. Really, thank you. Even in this horrible emotional situation, it was really nice to have a bit of reassurance maybe I can still write for a a bit of money one day too. Even if it's just in small jobs. I know it's a very competitive field, so I don't want to come off as arrogant or anything. Just it's a nice dream of mine to be able to do that one day.

 

[Lunus]

Note: I'll try to end the thread with this post. I've already received so much kindness and good advice, so I'll keep it to my journal from now on.



Hey, I wanted to take the time to say thank you so much for taking all this time to reply to my thread - even offering books and youtube videos. I've already saved the book name in my "I need to recover" notepad file and I'll be sure to do the same with the videos. I know there's no time like the present but...

Unfortunately, rather ridiculously, the feelings and sadness never stopped, hahaha. I went through wave after wave of sadness and then grief like I'd already lost him. I kept a journal of my sadness tbroughout the night (I try to keep one generally) which eventually descended into me just writing a stream of insults directed at myself. My sadness became anger directed at myself and then it kept going back and forth.

I got a whopping 3 hours of sleep despite the fact I'd been up over 24h. Even now, I'm tearing up. I didn't eat a thing yesterday, only got water to ease the headache from all the sobbing. It's amazing how strong these emotions can be, isn't it?

But that doesn't mean I won't improve. And I'm really sorry if this reply seems like I'm disregarding any of the kind advice you've given me - I don't mean it that way at all. I'm really, truly grateful. I guess for the moment this intense sadness is preventing me from doing much else. But it will end. And I'm starting DBT too. There's still hope, even if my emotions don't want to do anything else but grieve over my FP (despite not having lost him) and find as many harsh synonyms as they can to direct at me. There's still hope, and you have given me more hope - a precious thing.

This reply made me smile. Really, thank you. Even in this horrible emotional situation, it was really nice to have a bit of reassurance maybe I can still write for a a bit of money one day too. Even if it's just in small jobs. I know it's a very competitive field, so I don't want to come off as arrogant or anything. Just it's a nice dream of mine to be able to do that one day.

You are so nice. Don’t worry about doing things now, that will come in time. Just hang in there until your emotions die down, and they will over time. Try not to do anything too self destructive while you’re in this frame of mind. Good luck.

 

[Girl interupted]

Lockpon, you don’t have to limit your posts and where. You go ahead and post as much as you like. I get the whole I don’t want any attention thing, but nobody here is thinking you’ve posted too much. We all lean on each other.

 

[BPDevil]

why should i care how other people feel when no one cares about me

 

[midnightphoenix]

why should i care how other people feel when no one cares about me

we do care about you BPD just like we all care about lockpon (sp, my spellchecker is getting upset at me now)

idk if this is making sense my typings going cause my brain is disconobulationing

 

[midnightphoenix]

and Lockpon you are not selfish

i would type more but as i said to BPD i cant type too good now cause my brain is disconobulationing

 

[Girl interupted]

why should i care how other people feel when no one cares about me

Again, whether you like it or not, I care about you.