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Anyone else feel like they're 'buying' time?

N

NoWonder

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Recently came out of a relationship with 'the one' after giving everything up for this person and am now in a dark place. I was referred to Crisis team by my GP who are making daily visits.

Medication list is getting longer each week, tried everything. Back living with parents. Sit in town drinking all day (not good). Starting to get very angry 'cos I know I'm just 'buying time' and everything is going to come crashing down soon for good. Off on the sick from work (it's a job I hate and am no longer capable of doing).

Anyone else feel like this? I asked them to take me in at the weekend just to get it over and done with. Met 2 of the counsellors / assessors in town, drunk. They didn't have time to spend with me but they rang today asking if i had sobered up and made me promise I would phone them in the morning.
 
nickh

nickh

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Sorry to hear that you are in a dark place NW. When you are in that place the main thing is getting the proper help. Its good to hear that your counsellors have rung you, and you should phone them up and arrange a meeting. The drinking isn't going to help - yup I know it helps short term and I know it is much, much easier to say than do, but it always makes the depression worse. What's needed - boring but true :) - is for you to work out a coping strategy to get you through the dark times without resorting to anything which is harmful.

Coming here is a good start. There are lots of people around who will try and help. Let us know how you are getting on.

Nick.
 
N

NoWonder

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Thankyou for your reply Nick. I rang the Crisis team this morning and they are meeting with me this afternoon. They are concerned and said they will be meeting me to arrange a way forward.

I have been laying in bed all morning getting upset and frustrated. I feel ashamed having to look for 'help' though right now I can't see anything that will be of use. I just want my life back to how it was, where it was and who it was with 3 months ago - and I'm not going to accept anything else.

My life is a car crash right now.
 
honeyquince

honeyquince

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Hi NW - sorry you're feeling so low. I can sympathise with the buying time bit as most of the time I feel that I'm just buying time before the ultimate solution being unable to see a way out of this mess.

I don't know about you but when I'm that low (not quite at the minute) all I want to do is harm myself and no coping strategy can change that... though coming on here does help to vent the emotions a bit - so keep posting and smiley hugs really do work - so here's one for you! :hug:
 
N

NoWonder

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Thanks HQ.

Each day just comes and goes. Counsellors telling me to try to concentrate on the positives will become easier. There are no positives. I lost them all at the same time.

And that's what I'm buying now, time. I have nothing to work towards and no motivation to get up but that's what I must do in an hour to meet whoever's gonna turn up today.
 
honeyquince

honeyquince

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Hi there!

When it comes to looking for help I guess I didn't. Instead I just went with the flow and took anything and had anything done that my psych thought fit - I still don't really care what they give me but over the months and years I guess that I am better than I have been. I guess I just delegated responsibility for looking after my body & mind to the docs for a while and the result is I'm still here. Maybe think of it in terms of your counsellors/psych giving you help rather than you looking for it. Am I making any sense... urghhhhh?
 
D

Dollit

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Hey, NW - there may be no positives today but there could be a glimpse of one tomorrow. Every day is different, it's hard now but things can change. I've been there, done it, had the t shirt and lost it in the wash. Keep coming back and do just one thing each day that has a positive spin even if it's only getting out of bed and making it to the sofa.
 
N

NoWonder

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Back from meeting the CT, wasn't really worth leaving the house. This morning they said they would spend some time with me, all they did was hand me my medication asked a couple of questions then were away. Guess they've got lots of people to see, not their fault.

They said I looked better, walked away feeling worse. If only people knew, guess it's my job to tell them how I'm feeling. Scared of what might happen so I only like to give little bits away at a time. But they do know the worst bits.

Still trying to find some positives, not having any success though. Like I posted earlier, i left them ALL behind 3 months ago - 10 years of confidence building, creating a solid working history and finding my place in life gone. Just ain't got the bottle, time or inclination to try again.
 
M

Mad Hatter

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Hi, just like to say that I have been in a similar situation as yourself many years ago and survived, I know words are cheap but hang on in there it does get better.
 
N

NoWonder

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Thanks for your reply MH.

I have always known I am one of life's weaker people. It took a hell of a lot to get myself in the 'good' position I was in a few months ago and to be honest I haven't got the guts or determination to do it again. I know many people survive emotional and physical crisis, many in far worse situations than mine.

Everyone deals with different circumstances in different ways for sure. What is a crisis to one person may be something trivial to another. I have always found it difficult to let things go whether they be memories of a nice day out or what I'm experiencing right now, the ONE moment of my life I had the chance to make something of it and now I find myself back in the situation I was in 10 years ago except worse. Worse because I am now 10 years older and more scared than ever.

What makes me more depressed and thinking bad thoughts is I know the person I have lost has moved on and is dealing with things just fine, going out, socialising, comfortable in their job, in their own home still. They were my strength and my confidence (of which I had little) booster. I absorbed so much of their strength I found myself doing amazing things I thought I would never experience or do in my lifetime. All that has been lost and I am weaker and more depressed than when I started out with them. I find myself sitting around the house all day thinking the same thoughts over and over. If I leave the house I find myself thinking the same thoughts over and over as well.
 
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NoWonder

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Off to bed now, do many others feel they want to go to bed early when they are this low? 3 months ago and 9.30pm was like just the start of the evening for me. The Hospital increased my meds (i'm on Mirtazapine after trying Citalopram, Fluoxetine and Quiatepine) to 30mg today, I've only been on 15mg for 6 days so I don't know how I'm going to feel in the morning.

Any ideas? I always want to think I'm not going to wake up in the morning, since coming to this site I have read that this is quite common?
 
N

NoWonder

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Had an awful night full of awful dreams and I was talking in my sleep too. I also remember feeling like my legs had fallen to sleep while the rest of me was awake.

Got up feeling worse than ever.
 
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Dollit

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That sensation with your legs is nothing to worry about. Just a touch of "sleep paralysis" - it happens sometimes when you get stressed.
 
honeyquince

honeyquince

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I had an awful dream too - ended with Jack Nicholson comforting me with a hand on my shoulder :scared:! I'm sure I've read that the drugs can give you wierd dreams - may be the mirtazapine? I never used to remember my dreams until I started on the old anti-deps.
 
D

Dollit

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The dreams can be more intense especially the ones just before we wake when using antid's as it's said to be an effect of the mind trying to free itself of the drug. I can't remember where I read the article but it was in a good class science magazine. I find it rather comforting.
 
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