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Anyone else feel like they are on the outside, looking in?

S

SadRainbow

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Walking home just now, nice day, looking at all the plants and flowers, insects, people driving their cars, walking their dogs... So much life going on. I feel like I am separate from it all, that I can only watch. Why do I have to be outside of it all? Why do I have to be so full of misery that I can't enjoy anything, that I can't even just be? I am a biological creature. It's not helpful to be like this. I don't want to exist like this. I want to feel like I am part of the universe and that it's ok.
 
Bod

Bod

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MR POSITIVE
Do you have someone you could go for walks with at all or maybe try a hobby to try and change how you feel when out and about.
 
Novastars

Novastars

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It's like you're the only extra in a movie filled with main characters, isn't it?

What you could try and do is make eye contact with someone who seems friendly and give them a smile or a 'hello'.
Or even better: go and fuss over a dog and when the owner is near, you could start asking them their dog's name, age, breed etc. Those things may make you feel less of a spectator. :)
 
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SadRainbow

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Thank you for the replies.

I'm not really lonely (sometimes I suppose) and I'm generally friendly and say hello to people. I was with my partner and daughter. We'd just been to the park.

It's hard to explain. It's not really that I don't feel part of society (though sometimes that is a problem I admit). It's more that I don't feel part of the universe. I can't even connect to nature. I can't enjoy anything. All the people, animals and plants don't care that existence is pointless - they're just living it. (Though I know other people have their own struggles that I am not aware of). I feel let down by my biology - depression is not helpful to survival as far as I can tell. Why can't I just get on with my existence instead of moping about about things that don't actually matter? It feels like a stupid waste.
 
Q

quilteddown10

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Thank you for the replies.

I'm not really lonely (sometimes I suppose) and I'm generally friendly and say hello to people. I was with my partner and daughter. We'd just been to the park.

It's hard to explain. It's not really that I don't feel part of society (though sometimes that is a problem I admit). It's more that I don't feel part of the universe. I can't even connect to nature. I can't enjoy anything. All the people, animals and plants don't care that existence is pointless - they're just living it. (Though I know other people have their own struggles that I am not aware of). I feel let down by my biology - depression is not helpful to survival as far as I can tell. Why can't I just get on with my existence instead of moping about about things that don't actually matter? It feels like a stupid waste.
What you are describing here sounds a bit like Sartre in La Nausee.

The feeling/realisation that meaning and value is a very thin 'crust' that we can easily break through at times to...well... the 'nothingness' beneath.

Personally, I don't think this is a 'stupid waste' but an important realisation.
 
S

SadRainbow

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It feels like a waste to me because I used to be glad I exist, even knowing it's all temporary and meaningless. I used to do things that felt good. Now I am just crawling through each day, unable to appreciate anything. I don't want to spend my life feeling crap about everything.
 
Wishbone

Wishbone

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"The bottom of the valley never provides the clearest view"

A quote from Matt Haig's book "Reasons to stay alive"
 
D

Dark side

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Thank you for the replies.

I'm not really lonely (sometimes I suppose) and I'm generally friendly and say hello to people. I was with my partner and daughter. We'd just been to the park.

It's hard to explain. It's not really that I don't feel part of society (though sometimes that is a problem I admit). It's more that I don't feel part of the universe. I can't even connect to nature. I can't enjoy anything. All the people, animals and plants don't care that existence is pointless - they're just living it. (Though I know other people have their own struggles that I am not aware of). I feel let down by my biology - depression is not helpful to survival as far as I can tell. Why can't I just get on with my existence instead of moping about about things that don't actually matter? It feels like a stupid waste.
Could not of explained this better myself,
I too feel like this, it’s strange you identify the problem, but yet you cannot join the other side, I understand your quote truly.
Best of luck reaching the nicer side
 
S

SadRainbow

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Could not of explained this better myself,
I too feel like this, it’s strange you identify the problem, but yet you cannot join the other side, I understand your quote truly.
Best of luck reaching the nicer side
Thank you Dark Side. I'm sorry you have this difficulty too. I think, for me, a lot of it comes from existential anxiety - I feel that everything is temporary and meaningless. That wouldn't matter so much if I could still enjoy life but I can't. I wish I could go back to a time before these things started troubling me, to be more like most other people - just living, doing, being... Having some fun along the way.
 
Q

quilteddown10

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Thank you Dark Side. I'm sorry you have this difficulty too. I think, for me, a lot of it comes from existential anxiety - I feel that everything is temporary and meaningless. That wouldn't matter so much if I could still enjoy life but I can't. I wish I could go back to a time before these things started troubling me, to be more like most other people - just living, doing, being... Having some fun along the way.
Is it not an important stage to pass through, though? The Anguish of Being and all of that Existential jazz?

Sure it can be depressing but personally I'd rather know and suffer from knowing than be one of the many zombies that seem to populate the High Street these days.

You can be 'aware' and still have fun. If anything it heightens the experience.
 
S

SadRainbow

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Is it not an important stage to pass through, though? The Anguish of Being and all of that Existential jazz?

Sure it can be depressing but personally I'd rather know and suffer from knowing than be one of the many zombies that seem to populate the High Street these days.

You can be 'aware' and still have fun. If anything it heightens the experience.
Yeah but I haven't been able to enjoy anything for months. There used to be things that made me glad to be alive. Now I'm just in pain all the time. My only purpose is my daughter. I miss the days when I just didn't think about this stuff. I was aware of it but it didn't trouble me.
 
Q

quilteddown10

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Yeah but I haven't been able to enjoy anything for months. There used to be things that made me glad to be alive. Now I'm just in pain all the time. My only purpose is my daughter. I miss the days when I just didn't think about this stuff. I was aware of it but it didn't trouble me.
Sorry to hear you're right in the thick of it.

If it's any consolation it does diminish with age (or it just becomes part of your worldview and gets built on by other things in life).
 
S

SadRainbow

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Sorry to hear you're right in the thick of it.

If it's any consolation it does diminish with age (or it just becomes part of your worldview and gets built on by other things in life).
Thanks.

I'm sure my depression is making it much worse than it need be.

I've always been a very creative person and now I can't even make art. That's taken away a lot of the pleasure, meaning and purpose for me.
 
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