Anyone else feel like a burden

[MikeYST]

Don’t know if anyone else thinks like this

couple years ago when Anthony bourdain took
His life, it really affected me .I admired him greatly. I had read a lot of his personal
And mental struggles

I was discussing it at the bar shortly after... and a man commented on how selfish bourdains act was. Especially for his family

I don’t see it that way. I know what it’s like to be so broken mentally that you feel like a complete burden to your loved ones. I’m in such a bad state right now.... I can see the fatigue on my wife’s face She’s dealing with the same financial and personal problems I am... but she has the added weight of trying to carry this horribly depressed person through her life
It has to be fucking awful... and makes me feel even worse than I already do

I want to prop her up and tell her we’ll make it through.... but I can barely get out of bed or function

I honestly believe in my heart.... that after the initial shock period of losing me.... at some point in her future it would be like a huge weight off her if I was gone.

ive seen it happen to people that have lost loved ones that were hard people to live with in some way. Eventually their lives can be so much better without the human baggage they’ve been attached to

 

[Metanoia43]

Your illness feeds you these delusions, believe me, of course we can overcome the death of a loved one, but in case of suicide it will leave those close to you shattered for the rest of their lives.
I don't consider the act of suicide selfish since it's an illness that is close to uncontrollable, but don't fool yourself, you being a "burden" is a self-perceived black tinted view on yourself painted by your condition and you certainly won't give anyone "salvation" from anything.
Please hang on. Don't choose a permanent solution to a problem likely to be temporary!

 

[MikeYST]

I hate being in my head
It’s like being trapped in a sick dark world

it’s like a cruel joke life plays in us
Fuck up our heads completely. Make us sad and SO terribly unhappy... make those around us unhappy because of us...but don’t give us any tools or ability to deal with it

sometimes I feel like some higher power is holding me under a magnifying glass like a bug... waiting to see if I move again or trying to get up...then they apply the heat again till I give up again

 

[Metanoia43]

Don't you remember times when you felt more serene?
Like when you and your wife first fell in love or an enticing summer's night with friends?
It is to early to determine you'll never find that happiness again. I know it's Impossible to control your subconcious telling you exactly that, but I wish I could nudge it a bit... genuinly hoping the best for you. Im on here alot at the moment. If you need to vent or talk, anytime.

 

[00Bluejay7500 (was Scapes1986)]

You are not a weight or burden to anyone your a caring intelligent human being worthy or love and happiness.

did you ever feel a time where you felt needed? Have you a big role as protector or comedian in your family?

these are roles I hold onto to promote my own happiness and health in my family.

don’t feel like a failure... it’s all about good self esteem in recovery.

know you are needed and smile about it!

 

[MikeYST]

I’ve always been the glue of my family
The person that can make us laugh or feel safe. Or just give the feeling things will be ok

I think that’s what makes this super hard for them on top of all our problems

seeing me so defeated and thinking of self
harm

I can see it in their eyes how scared it makes them feel. You can’t believe how hard it is to look into someone’s eyes that you love so deeply... for so many years... and realize you are a huge source of pain and hurt to them
I think it’s the darkest I’ve ever experienced

 

[Jam1990]

I know where you’re coming from. I actually regularly compare myself to Robin Williams. Happy and fine on the outside, but miserably depressed on the inside. I also think of myself as a burden a lot of times but I’m trying hard to work through that. My therapist tells me that I’m not and that I have to find a way to see that. My boyfriend, who has been with me for over 6 years, has been helping me with my mental health issues. He doesn’t seem to think of me as a burden, but I often feel like one because I know that I’m keeping him from enjoying his life to the fullest.

I’m sorry that you’re going through the feeling of being a burden. It’s an awful feeling to have. I would just say to take things a day at a time and learn to see yourself in a different light. Depression plays tricks on us and makes us see ourselves through a different lens. I bet that your wife would be devastated and hurt for the rest of her life if you were to harm yourself. I also don’t think if suicide as a selfish act, but it is a very destructive act for you and those around you.
Hope you feel better soon!

 

[anex]

Hi, mike!
My husband was pretty affected by Anthony Bourdain’s passing, too. I agree, I don’t think suicide is selfish. Not in the way it’s often said that increases stigma and shame.
Feeling like a burden suuuuucks. I know we’ve been talking about it. You deserve to be taken care of. You deserve the care required to help you get better and more stable. To help you out of bed and be able to care for yourself. You’re struggling so much and there is absolutely no shame about it. Your wife must be tired, yes. And very sad. Maybe she feels helpless. My husband does sometimes, too. But he wants to help me just like I’m sure your wife wants to help you. Through sickness and health. You said you are a source of pain and hurt to her. Could you explain more what you mean by that?

 

[MikeYST]

last night was really bad. Nights are SO bad

i honestly cant see a way to come out of this

 

[00Bluejay7500 (was Scapes1986)]

I’m happy that you can see the light at the end of your troubles.

depressing feelings can make a person feel both woRth less and tired.

I hope you are starting to feel better

 

[MikeYST]

???
I can’t see any light

 

[MikeYST]

I feel
Much worse

 

[00Bluejay7500 (was Scapes1986)]

Go on... are you gonna at least talk to a therapist?

 

[00Bluejay7500 (was Scapes1986)]

Feel better xoxo