Anyone else feel embarrased?

[notrealname]

Hi
I'm new here, I was recently diagnosed with a disorder on the bipolar spectrum (before had been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for 10 years). The psychiatrist didn't really want to give a specific label but said I was probably somewhere between cyclothymia and bipolar II.

I'm just wondering if anybody else gets really embarrased about the way the acted, say, a few months ago. I seem to constantly look back a few months and not recognise myself at all. Looking back, my "embarrasing" moments are when I'm depressed her ratthan optimistic. I dont really take risks when I'm happy. I just tend to be very productive, work hard, have great self-confidence and see bright things for my future. I quite like looking back at myself in these phases. Sometimes I get too loud and friends shush me if we're in public but this isn't too embarassing. They like my eccentric side. I actually see this stuff as part of my character, even if it doesn't happen very often.

The embarrasing stuff is the way I get obsessive and desperate when I'm down. I look back and I can't recognise myself at all. Things that don't matter to me normally have suddenly taken great signifiance to me in those moments. I tend to get obsessed with specific celebrities (rather than general celebrity gossip which never interests me) where I normally couldn't care less. I also get obsessed with particular men and can be crowding, or too eager to talk to them. These men are almost always men I've never met (over the internet) or men I haven't seen for years (again, reconnected over the internet) allowing me to fit whatever personality I want to them because I don't know the truth. I also get desperate for contact with friends and desperate to impress. To me, I seem needy and pathetic and attention-seeking.

I guess I get embarrased because I look back and think "that's not me". And people I don't know, or people I admire have seen me that way and that's all they know of me so they naturally just think that's what I'm like. It's humiliating and it seems to happen all the time.

Does anybody else feel this way?

 

[Cameron Vale]

Embarrassment

Hi,

I do understand everything you have stated in this well written document. I too get a little loud sometimes, although I have know feelings of obsession. However, although stating no feelings of obsession in the previous sentence, this emotion changes should I be in a relationship! I am very good with my lady. The issue that really bugs me is that, mmmmmmmm "So called normal people have no understanding of what Bi-Polar disorder is!" They do not take the time to look up the disorder on their computers. Nearly all the information is there, at the bottom of their fingertips!
I do not like anybody interfering with that particular relationship, you know gossip and stating bad things about the relationship. This for us to find out and then make up our own opinions.
Hope this is helpful.

Cameron Vale

 

[EternalityFlames]

I haven't been diagnosed with Bipolar but some people think I have got it but not too sure. I'm going to doctors next week but I'll admit I can relate to this post. I felt so alone when I feel this way. It happens often. I get obsessed with people and want to impress people. I even go out my way to change my looks and that. I do exactly what you do and what to connect with people from my past. I feel like an attention-seeker too but at the times it happens which is often I cannot control it and feel 'this isn't me'

 

[melc]

Bi polar

I HOPE THIS EXPERIENCE HELPS... WHEN I FEEL EUPHORIC AND SELF CONFIDENT I GO OUT WITH FRIENDS I AM LOUD AND USUALLY THE LIFE AND SOUL OF THE PARTY MY HUSBAND CALLED IT THE SPARK AND I WAS ALWAYS FIRST UP ON THE DANCE FLOOR OR FIRST ON THE PODIUM ETC AT 40 AND OVERWEIGHT THAT IS CONFIDENCE OOZING MY FRIENDS OLD AND NEW LOVE IT AND CANT WAIT TO DO IT AGAIN AND SO THE GOING OUT GROUP GETS BIGGER TO LAUGH AT MY PARTY ANTICS AT WORK I EXCEL AND NO ONE CAN TOUCH ME IN COLLEGE I DEBATE WITH POWER UNTIL 1 DAY....CRASH THEN I DNT ANSWER THE PHONE DONT WANT TO GO OUT CANT BE BOTHERED TO SEE PEOPLE JUST EAT AND SLEEP WITH A BIT OF SURVIVAL IN THERE EVERY DAY MOTIONS ARE DIFFICULT.... MY FRIENDS ASK IF I AM OK SO I SAY FLU OR MAKE UP ILLNESS'S UNTIL THEY LEAVE ME LONE,, WHEN I AM LOW I GET AGITATED TEARFUL AND THINK AT THIS LOW PERIOD I AM AT NOW THAT I GENERALLY HATE PEOPLE AROUNSD ME I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING CRAZY... AS THERE IS NOTHING PHYSICAL TO SEE ITS HARD FOR FRIENDS AND FAMILY TO GRASP IT AND THEY KEEP ASKING ARE U OK- KEEP YOUR CHIN UP ETC ETC WHEN YOU DONT KNOW WHY YOU FEEL LIKE THIS I AM AT THE DOCS AGAIN ON mON AND WAITING FOR MY PSYC APPT BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I FEEL SO LONELY BUT DONT WANT COMPANY AM I MAD...... OR IS IT BIPOLAR.. I HOPE TO GET A SOLUTION

 

[Twylight]

Yes embarassment is really horrible and I use to worry about it

When unwell I would write nonesensible messages and give them to Pub bar staff and shopkeepers

But time does heal and people are more forgiving and understanding than I imagined

I think it's harder for women - I'm not at all bothered to be considered a bit of a nutter - like a macho thing