Anyone else afraid of committing suicide on impulse?

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SMiRC

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Oh shit I know you're all gonna despise me for admitting this I just never could tell anyone and I hate myself for doing what I did :( This is shit, I've no control, I know everyone deserves to live or so I'm thaught to think but I don't feel like I'm fit anymore.
 
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brandynpepsi

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Yes you do, you can't help having bpd and the effects that it has on you are not always under your control, you are worthy of love and care
 
raven

raven

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*hugs* you were ill at the time, try and start to accept that it wasn't your fault. You are a good person. I have BPD (borderline) and it makes me impulsive at times. Are you recieving any therapy or medication?

*more comforting and accepting hugs*

raven
 
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madsheep

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aw hunny. *hugs*. I have had bad situations with animals too. I feel so so guilty about some of my past lovelies. But I try even harder now and no matter how ill I am and how bad I think I have treated them, I know they loved me unconditionally and thats all that matters. Dont be too hard on yourself. *hugs*
 
S

SMiRC

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*hugs* you were ill at the time, try and start to accept that it wasn't your fault. You are a good person. I have BPD (borderline) and it makes me impulsive at times. Are you recieving any therapy or medication?

*more comforting and accepting hugs*

raven
No therapy/medication at the moment. Gonna see a new psychiatrist in 2 weeks (private). Therapy is a tricky thing for me, I have a big "people problem", I don't usually like people, or then I either idolize or look down at them, for a therapist I would need someone really strict and VERY smart or else I just start playing games with them. And I'm so afraid the new psychiatrist will just send me home saying there's nothing wrong with me, that I'm making this all up. And it was such a struggle even to make that one phone call and get an appointment, if this one fails I'm gone for good :(
 
S

SMiRC

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aw hunny. *hugs*. I have had bad situations with animals too. I feel so so guilty about some of my past lovelies. But I try even harder now and no matter how ill I am and how bad I think I have treated them, I know they loved me unconditionally and thats all that matters. Dont be too hard on yourself. *hugs*
Having pets around has always had a tremendous positive effect on me UNTIL the point when I start hurting them, so I can't allow myself that anymore :( Maybe a big snake that would bite back?
 
Girl Interrupted

Girl Interrupted

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And is this even typical of BPD?
Is it impulsive or is it a deep intense loathing of one's self and the invalidating world around the self that is causing suicidal ideation and thoughts of sh that one is trying to supress?? Could it be self sabotage, replaying the past trying to hurt the self in thne same one may have been hurt in the past?

Trying to analyse it may help control it better.

** sorry if this post triggers anyone it is not intended to do so**
 
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SMiRC

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Is it impulsive or is it a deep intense loathing of one's self and the invalidating world around the self that is causing suicidal ideation and thoughts of sh that one is trying to supress?? Could it be self sabotage, replaying the past trying to hurt the self in thne same one may have been hurt in the past?

Trying to analyse it may help control it better.

** sorry if this post triggers anyone it is not intended to do so**
That is interesting. In my behaviour there is a clear difference between self harm (sometimes serious) but I know I will be saved, and then the brief moments when I feel like doing something really final. And it's the latter I'm scared of. This also includes a firm belief that when I eventually die, as we all do, it WILL be by my own hand. I haven't even thought about it much, strange... it's like a given fact :unsure:
 
Girl Interrupted

Girl Interrupted

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That is interesting. In my behaviour there is a clear difference between self harm (sometimes serious) but I know I will be saved, and then the brief moments when I feel like doing something really final. And it's the latter I'm scared of. This also includes a firm belief that when I eventually die, as we all do, it WILL be by my own hand. I haven't even thought about it much, strange... it's like a given fact :unsure:
That seems as if you're truly afraid of the impact your own thoughts and feelings have on you. Fear of how they not only cause you to perceive the world but how they cause yo to behave toward yourself.

It could also be that you want to control what happens to you and when. That in itself can be related to the past, without going too deep, and risking sounding like I have 'therapy-echolalia' lol, were you at some point in the past vulnerable, unable to control what was happening to you, powerless, totally disempowered?? Is it true suicidal ideation or is it a fantasy to die to be dead, to be numb, to feeling nothing to compensate for the nothingness that you may be feeling now?

Can you do a downward spiral of your actions and thoughts, see what the ultimate bottom line is? That is a CBT method which I found helpful.

Start with thought (..........)
Next line draw a downward arrow under the thought
Next line write s/h as the action
Next line draw another downward arrow
Next line write thought or feeling

so on and so on........ until you come to your very own unique bottom line where you can reflect back and analyse the chain.

(Mmmm not sure that could also be chain analysis, wow I have learned something posting on here today. Anyone who is experienced in DBT please let me know if I am right or wrong?)
 
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