Anyone else afraid of committing suicide on impulse?

S

SMiRC

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I had a brief moment yesterday I'm 99% if I'd had a gun I would have shot myself in the head. And I don't even consider myself suicidal.

But I am afraid of crossing streets for example because sometimes when I see a large truck coming fast I feel a sudden urge to stop in the middle of the street.
I refuse to live any higher than 3rd floor. I've gotten rid of all razor blades and bought an epilator instead. I don't even sharpen my kitchen knives, ever. I try to avoid having too many potentially dangerous drugs at home.

Anyone else?

(Feeling a lot better today cause I have a terrible flu which seems to mask away all other uncomfortable feelings :))
 
S

SMiRC

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And is this even typical of BPD?
 
M

madsheep

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Hey.
I went through a phase of being really really impuslive. Ended up being sectioned. Was not happy times. I now have, like you nothing in my house that can be really dangerous to me. The impulsivity stopped for a while, but has recently come back in bucketfulls. I just try to keep things around that remind me of what i would be doing.... pictures of family, lots and lots of pets (2 cats, 2 rabbits, 2 guinea pigs and a gerbil).... they seem to help me stay grounded. Just wanted to let you know that your not alone in this.
Try to keep yourself safe, but dont let it rule your life hun.
 
maxitab

maxitab

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Poor impulse control is a major feature of BPD.

I am terrified I will do something on impulse, and I don't want to scare you, but I have and was then saved in hospital ( only just). There are times if someone offered me a pill that would make me keel over instantly, I would take it without a seconds hesitation. This is one of the main reasons I am in sheltered accommodation, my front door is unlocked if I am in the house so peeps can get to me instantly.............
 
C

complexcase

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Hi, yes I feel like this all the time and it's terrifying. I am VERY impulsive. (Yesterday I decided to shave my head, and I did it...)
I have walked out in the middle of a busy road before and a stranger had to pull me back out of the way of this motorbike. I don't think I even really knew what I was doing, just thought, what if... and went and did it. I very rarely use a razor to shave my legs now, I use the cream because I'm scared that I will cut myself without thinking, and then just keep going. Whenever I am on a platform waiting for a train I literally stand as far away from the edge as possible, and try to hold on to something because I am pretty sure that if I don't one of these days I am going to throw myself under a train. The idea would just come into my head and that would be it. Not a second's hesitation.

I get it a lot. You're not alone.
 
B

becky1989

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I know some people on medication, it can lead them to have suicidal thoughts. I used to feel suicidal a long time ago but now feeling so much better in myself and the world around me.
 
M

Marchhare

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Yes, very frightening
MH
 
R

runslikeariver

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Oh yes-especially when I was younger and not stabalized on meds. If I do it now, 'make a serious attempt' I usually think about it for a few days, write letters, make a list of who should have my things, etc. I have a pharmacy in my house, literally, and I'm afraid that if I take the wrong thing or not enough I might not make it to the end, just end up brain dead or something awful. I'm okay with knives and stuff, can't stand the sight of blood. And I would never allow a gun in my house-I know that I might use it on myself, or my husband. If I get drunk it is all over. In Sept of last year I was absolutely going to do it, I was just too drunk to go in the other room and get my pills. So I try really hard not to drink. You are not alone, hon. Ever. River
 
S

SMiRC

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I had a serious well planned attempt in adolescence, only half way things since then. I am so sorry and so relieved at the same time reading these answers. You people help me so much just by answering I've felt so alone and helpless for a long time. Right now i just feel like i want to take the next plane and fly over and hug you all, it's stupid but thank you so very much :)
 
S

SMiRC

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running a high fever now gonna lie down and a friend will be checking on me tomorrow. i love this flu :) haven't this stable in ages :)
 
amathus

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Yep just to add to the other comments, impulsivity has been a major problem for me for quite a long time now tho'
I'm still here to tell the tale. I've always said to my pdoc if suicide comes into it , it will be an impulsive act...
he agreed...ps ...hope your flu gets better!

qf.
 
S

SMiRC

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Hey.
I went through a phase of being really really impuslive. Ended up being sectioned. Was not happy times. I now have, like you nothing in my house that can be really dangerous to me. The impulsivity stopped for a while, but has recently come back in bucketfulls. I just try to keep things around that remind me of what i would be doing.... pictures of family, lots and lots of pets (2 cats, 2 rabbits, 2 guinea pigs and a gerbil).... they seem to help me stay grounded. Just wanted to let you know that your not alone in this.
Try to keep yourself safe, but dont let it rule your life hun.
Oh I wish I could keep pets.. :( i'm very allergic and asthmatic and my 2 rats I loved very much nearly killed me nd I ended up killing them when I was "not so well" and this is extremely difficult to admit cause I love animals and I hate myself and have nightmares about what I did. I was both physically suffering and mentally very unstable at the time. I will never forgive myself.
 
S

SMiRC

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Oh shit I know you're all gonna despise me for admitting this I just never could tell anyone and I hate myself for doing what I did :( This is shit, I've no control, I know everyone deserves to live or so I'm thaught to think but I don't feel like I'm fit anymore.
 
B

brandynpepsi

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Yes you do, you can't help having bpd and the effects that it has on you are not always under your control, you are worthy of love and care
 
raven

raven

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*hugs* you were ill at the time, try and start to accept that it wasn't your fault. You are a good person. I have BPD (borderline) and it makes me impulsive at times. Are you recieving any therapy or medication?

*more comforting and accepting hugs*

raven
 
M

madsheep

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aw hunny. *hugs*. I have had bad situations with animals too. I feel so so guilty about some of my past lovelies. But I try even harder now and no matter how ill I am and how bad I think I have treated them, I know they loved me unconditionally and thats all that matters. Dont be too hard on yourself. *hugs*
 
S

SMiRC

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*hugs* you were ill at the time, try and start to accept that it wasn't your fault. You are a good person. I have BPD (borderline) and it makes me impulsive at times. Are you recieving any therapy or medication?

*more comforting and accepting hugs*

raven
No therapy/medication at the moment. Gonna see a new psychiatrist in 2 weeks (private). Therapy is a tricky thing for me, I have a big "people problem", I don't usually like people, or then I either idolize or look down at them, for a therapist I would need someone really strict and VERY smart or else I just start playing games with them. And I'm so afraid the new psychiatrist will just send me home saying there's nothing wrong with me, that I'm making this all up. And it was such a struggle even to make that one phone call and get an appointment, if this one fails I'm gone for good :(
 
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