I've been worried to go too. I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts for a while and had a very bad episode this past weekend. Actually drove myself to a hospital but was afraid to go in, as more than likely I wouldn't get the help I needed, but I'm in a different country than you from what I can see. I hope you find somewhere good that will help. It was, and is, awful to feel like you're at the end of all hope with nowhere to go. I feel the same as you said about being scared but needing help. The bottom line for me is that I don't want to hurt myself, but I don't see any point to going on when I get down like that. That's actually how I found this forum, was searching for help online. So glad I did. I hope you find answers fast.