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Any such thing as normal?

lulubelle

lulubelle

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 8, 2010
Messages
526
Location
London
Hi everyone,

I'm new here. I have not been diagnosed but went to my doc last night who wanted to admit me immediatly, but after convincing him I am not going to commit suicide today he made me an appointment with a psychologist tomorrow. I hate doctors and medical situations, I saw a friend go through some pretty heavy mental distress and she came out of hospital worse every time until she eventually killed herself, leaving a lot of devestated people behind.
I have been totally convinced that my behavior, the way I think and deal with things is fine for a long time. I have just thought that I was normal and that everyone is the same as me, but I am no longer convinced of this.

I have had behavior problems pretty much since childhood (according to my mum, who I no longer speak to) but things got really bad when I was about 18. I would have very big swings in my mood and behavior. I would get very depressed, self harm, attempt suicide. I would have long periods when I felt so invincable, sociable, binge on drink and drugs, be the absolute life and soul of any party. No sleep or food but so much energy. Then back to black, binge eating, crying all the time. I have had and lost countless jobs because of my behavior but have never gone to a doctor, convinced that I am fine its everyone else who is the problem. I have no doubt that I have sent at least one man mad out of the 2 I've loved, the second is completely exhausted with confusion now, and I cant help thinking that had these men not met me they would have been a lot better off. - even tho I've always been convinced it was all their fault and i'm gonna be better off.

My change in mind is recent events. I'm a mother now, I had what I thought was just baby blues and tried shruggin it off, but life became very difficult, I got aggitated and angry very easily, tearful all the time. my moods change like the wind. Then the beginning of February my partner cheated on me whilst in Canada on a business trip - I should have been devastated, but I wasn't. I was fine - happy even, I was energised, sociable again, chatty, started a new business, spent loads of money, sold his car, didn't sleep because I didn't feel the need, stopped eating. I convinced myself that this was because I am a strong woman who was meant to be in business, not love! Then my energy began dropping slightly, agitated, angry. I forgave him but 2 days later he popped out and didn't come back - and I crashed, devestated. I haven't really stopped crying since, I feel so hurt, confused, worthless and have had suicidal ideas - the only thing that keeps me from carrying them through is my daughter.

I'm not really sure what I expect anyone to say, I just spent so long convinced this is normal and now i'm not sure...

do I have a disorder of some kind or have I just been reacting to the situations that have happened in my life?

xx
 
L

Lady Summer Isles

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Joined
Nov 13, 2009
Messages
923
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NOBODY KNOWS FOR SURE
Hi and :welcome:

It sounds as though things are really tough for you but at least you recognize that you have a problem and are trying to do something about it. You are having to cope with an awfull lot right now but I do think you are doing the right thing seeking help. You have your beautiful daughter to think about. Keep posting on here as you will get plenty of support. Wish I could think of more to say.
Hugs
Lady T:grouphug:
 
S

suki1066

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 28, 2009
Messages
105
hi lulubelle
, your post is very similar to my dd's behavou,r thoughts and life, she has benifited by seeking help, my advise would be to keep your appointment, be honest, and keep your dd at the front of your mind. speaking about your feelings is very hard and upseting, but by you posting in here i think you are aware that your moods need addressing, and you are unhappy as you are. i hope you have a friend or family member to give you some support hun, there are lots of posts to read on here, and lots of ppl to give answers to questions, best wishes x
 
lulubelle

lulubelle

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Joined
Apr 8, 2010
Messages
526
Location
London
Thank you both, your posts are very helpful. Suki1066 - you sound like such a wonderful mother, everyone should get one like you!
Just sitting counting down to the appointment now, so very scared and nervous but just want to tackle this now.
xx
 
S

shell

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2010
Messages
175
Location
Lincolnshire
Hi, I spent ages blaming everyone but myself. Now I have to be true to myself and except I have BP2 its really tough. The last high I had was so destructive I left my husband pawned my wedding ring and did some awful things that hurt so many people I love.

Thank god my husband took me back. I nearly ended up losing my two beautiful children. Like you I went on binge drinking nearly everyday I would drink wine. Like you when high full of energy thinking I was so great and everybody loved me. Now I'm so depressed its unreal but not drinking taking my meds and trying to be a good mother to my kids. I'm here if you want to talk. x
 
emski

emski

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Jun 15, 2008
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1,151
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North West
Well done on getting through the appointment :flowers:
 
A

AmandaMar

New member
Joined
Apr 9, 2010
Messages
4
Location
Buffalo, NY
What I've begun telling myself over and over, is "normal is in the eye of the beholder" or I just have more lemons to make lemonade with, I know theyre cheesy but it cushions the blow of "I'm bipolar and schizophrenic, this is never going away, deal with it" I've been hiding my problems for sooo long, pretending to be like everyone else I have to say that over and over, now that I've finally come to terms with the fact I can't act like nothings wrong when I'm clearly struggeling, my self esteems even more shot now, but a lot less stressed out all the time.

-I stay up for days, call my friends and if they were busy or sleeping I'd scream at them, tell them theyre shitty friends and I deserve better 1s.
-I would drive with my friends and family somewhere and get pissed or anxious and just leave them stranded.
-I'd meet a guy and when something I needed to say or ask got stuck in my head I'd need to see them right away or I'd freak out, so of course I came off clingy or attached, they didn't get that it wasn't them I was attached to, it was the idea in my head I needed to get out. I know I looked nuts, but I felt sick if I didn't act that way.

The list goes on and on..and it sucks.

-I've made everyone around me feel like their walking on eggshells. And I'm getting soo sick of apologizing everyday for all the shitty things I've done but can't control.

Everydays a struggle that I just gotta take 1 moment at a time, and accept that this is how I am, now I need to manage it.
 
J

jema88

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 5, 2010
Messages
130
lulubelle, keep us posted on how you get on, the road is a long one but think your on the road, rather than falling off and down a blood great big cliff!!! lol
my dd has just started to accept that she is bipolar, i have been on here for months reading and reacherching, and she is now doing the same. i have found this site a wealth of information. i hope you do too
to the others, well done to you all and best wishes xx
 
lulubelle

lulubelle

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 8, 2010
Messages
526
Location
London
lulubelle, keep us posted on how you get on, the road is a long one but think your on the road, rather than falling off and down a blood great big cliff!!! lol
my dd has just started to accept that she is bipolar, i have been on here for months reading and reacherching, and she is now doing the same. i have found this site a wealth of information. i hope you do too
to the others, well done to you all and best wishes xx
Hi jema88,
Thank you for your encouraging words, this is the only place i'm really getting them at the mo, lol - everyone else is literally looking at me like I just pooed in my hand and smeared it on there face (which I haven't!)

I went to the pdoc yesterday and he diagnosed me with BPD and put me on seroquel. As if that isn't enough to take in one day I then had to deal with my babies dad - insisting there nothing wrong with me and I have to have the baby back immediately. I refused and he did eventually keep her one more night, But then he called at midnight last night, after I had taken the pill and was terrified, lonely, scared and depressed to shout at me that I have to now help him get a council property, that social services are going to take my baby and i'm the worst person ever. It was too much and I found myself manicly throwing things around my flat, I was searching but I dont know what for.:cry:

Woke this morning, very spaced out, heavy but kinda numb. When I saw my baby I got so excited and hyper, talking fast, rushing thoughts. Then my baby who is now learning to talk called me "mental mummy" - its obviously something he's taught her.:mad: Then later on I started feeling really down again, and I do now - suicidal thoughts keep going through my head, crying all afternoon.:cry:

If there are any other lone parents out there who have any idea how to cope with a very difficult "other parent" I would gladly accept the advice. I have some thoughts on how to deal with him myself - but none of them legal!!

xx
 
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J

jema88

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Joined
Apr 5, 2010
Messages
130
mum u posted from me i must have signed in as me on your laptop!.that was strange reading that!.xx
 
T

TOONAFISH

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Nov 23, 2008
Messages
2,686
Location
Bonnie Scotland
((())))

i just wanted to say that my ex told my son that i was 'locked up in the nut house'

how anyone can be so horrible is beyond me. at the moment it is probably beneficial to you to have him take your baby. but once you are stable i would insist that he behaves appropriatly in front of your baby or he will have to face the consequence of not seeing him/her.

i found it v v hard to deal with my ex when i was at my lowest i jsut kinda went along with what he said, but once you are more stable it is easier to stand up for yourself.

how old is your wee one??
 
lulubelle

lulubelle

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Joined
Apr 8, 2010
Messages
526
Location
London
((())))

i just wanted to say that my ex told my son that i was 'locked up in the nut house'

how anyone can be so horrible is beyond me. at the moment it is probably beneficial to you to have him take your baby. but once you are stable i would insist that he behaves appropriatly in front of your baby or he will have to face the consequence of not seeing him/her.

i found it v v hard to deal with my ex when i was at my lowest i jsut kinda went along with what he said, but once you are more stable it is easier to stand up for yourself.

how old is your wee one??
Thank u toonafish! I can relate to the havin to go along with it- every opinion I now have is judged as "i'm seeing things negatively"- although the way he behaves it can only be seen negatively!!
He is truly horrible, and with me now being diagnosed everyone is saying that its all in my head, which is so ignorant and frustrating:mad:
My little beauty is only 22 months bless her!
x
 
T

TOONAFISH

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2008
Messages
2,686
Location
Bonnie Scotland
aw my wee girl is 3. she was only a few months old when i went into hospital. they are so precious arent they x
 
S

suki1066

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 28, 2009
Messages
105
hi lulubelle
sorry for the confusion, id signed in as dd jema88 when i last posted to you.
she too has an unhelpfull ex, and ex inlaws,
you carnt change ppls views of mental health illnesses, ppl are either kind or not, what you can do however is to put yourself first. he is nasty to you coz he can get away with it, he is adding to your burden, not helping and supporting as any decent person would. the only person you can change is you and i hope you have someone who will support you, does your mum or family help you with the baby? does baby go to a nursery so you can have some space for yourelf, to perhaps go swimming or to the gym, sleep even?
as you learn more about bp, you will find ideas of ways to help yourelf, advise from others who have walked this path before you, ask your pdoc for counciling etc. the more assistance you have the better... for you hun
in our area there is something called sure start.. held at diffrent places they run courses with child care provided, simple card making ect, tho i realise you may be afraid of new places and ppl, things such as this provide you with adult company, time away from baby and new interests.. that arnt stress full by way of if you miss one coz your ill, it doesnt matter... just some thourghts xxx
 
lulubelle

lulubelle

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Joined
Apr 8, 2010
Messages
526
Location
London
HI Suki1066,

Thank you for ur last message, those words helped a lot- I cant change people but I can try not let them get to me!

Fortunately my ex's parents are being brilliant, they came to visit me yesterday to let me know that despite their son telling me that they hate me and only speak to me because they want to see my baby and i'm dangerous- none of it is true and they are completely ashamed and disgusted by their spiteful son! His mum and I have been good friends for abut 4 years now and despite his best efforts to make sure I have no support and no way of checking his lies, he has failed. She is also brilliant source of advice, her dad is BP and she herself has struggled with depression her whole life, she lent me her priory cd's to calm and some essential oils to help to!(y)

Unfortunately my own family not so good, my dad walked out when I was 6 and my mum , well I could write a novel on the bad relationship we have! i have 2 sisters tho, H & wig, I live quite far away but H is coming to visit me today so I dont feel so alone!

My dd goes to a creche during term times mornings, which is brilliant- i'm really weird about who I leave her with but they are fantastic, treat her like a princess and she loves 'em for it! - this leaves me the mornings to work- I run my own business but I haven't done a thing for weeks, been so depressed and exhausted I cant stand the thought of it!

I have found this forum so helpful though
 
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