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K

Kujo

Guest
Hi I'm 30 years of age. I suffered off and on since I was about 14 with depression. I never took it as anything other than what normal people get, and just tried soldiering on.

In the last year and a half I've tried to take some serious stock of my life and there is answers I've been too scared (or too negligent) to ask about.

I have these sweeping moods that take me from fantasizing about my own death, to feeling like I could take on the whole world. In the last 18 months, I've destroyed a seven year relationship with a girl I was deeply in love with and lost my mother to cancer. Over the last six years since leaving Uni, I've managed to distance myself from all the of the people that I would consider my friends. I can't seem to hold onto people, they find my moods erratic, my behaviour ranging from hilarious to utterly intolerable.

I left my girlfriend of seven years for a friend of ours, who was lonely, as I was I thought. And as I watched myself breaking the heart of my girlfriend it was like watching someone else having a car crash. She had dealt with my bizarre mood swings for years, bringing her too tears followed by the actuality that I was really hurting her. Sometimes it feels like I just can't go on. Apathy and fatigue seem to make me just want to curl up somewhere warm and rot.

Then today at work, after two weeks of feeling so low, something happened where I felt so charged, so full of life. I went on a rant around the office for about an hour acting obnoxious and irratating until an old colleague and close friend shot me down for going too far. I felt instantly dejected and humiliated.

Funny thing is this 'something happened' has been happening with my depressions for years. People seem to love me when I'm like this, people always say i'm so funny and upbeat and how much fun I am, yet the people who have known me for the longest period of time, have to tell these people that have discovered me that I have periods 'when I never come out.'

My mum suffered bad depression and I think I should go and see a doctor. Normally when I'm down like this, I just become self destructive, smoking, drinking, eating, never getting to work on time...followed by me trying to claw everything back by eating healthy, working hard, being creative...

The worst thing is, so many good people have Depression and Bipolar disorder, and I don't want to be some jerk that was just horrible to his girlfriend and everyone else and now regrets it. But I'm so tired. I don't feel it's normal. I feel really burnt out and I never feel comfortable, and it's grinding me down.

Anyway, thanks for reading.
 
K

Kujo

Guest
Just what I thought. I'm just an asshole that deserves the pain I've got. Glad I didn't waste time going to a doctor.
 
sallyG

sallyG

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 4, 2009
Messages
1,693
Location
Essex England
hi there..maybe a trip to your doctor would be an idea..tell him how youve been feeling..youve had a lot to cope with in losing your mum at a young age.to me you sound depressed..and im so sorry to hear your feeling this way.:welcome:to the fourm anyway and i hope you find it uselful being here.x
 
SimonB

SimonB

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 10, 2010
Messages
938
Location
United Kingdom
Hi Kujo,

I think Sallyg is right, sounds like depression. Some of the things you describe fit in with it.

Getting help is the first step:)
 
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