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    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Any advice on how to want to fight back?

  • Thread starter INFP_DoubleDepression
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I

INFP_DoubleDepression

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 25, 2020
Messages
64
Location
Stevensville, MD
All,
I am in the midst of the most acute bout of depression in my life, and there have been several. Was having chronic episode for about 2 years, but about 2 months ago my soon to be ex wife, whom i thought i would be with forever, informed me she had been carrying on an emotional affair with an old flame, and basically blindsided me and said she was done. I was in total shock for days, at one point thought i was having a nervous breakdown, and desperately clinged to hope. I have come to a place of mostly accepting that shes gone (literally moving to the other side of the country), but with the double depression, struggles at work, and financial troubles, i just dont how i can possibly get through this....meds for about 2 months now, bupropion then added lexapro about a month ago, and started therapy..maybe the meds have numbed me out a bit but i still feel completely worthless, hopeless and that my life has no meaning and has served no purpose.
Long intro, sorry...but does anyone have any advice on how to want to get better when in the deepest depths of depression hell?
Just want to sleep forever...
Also any advice on how to create a belief that things may actually ever be something other than miserable when there seems to be no evidence of anything but failure and a broken, pointless existence ahead?
Thanks for reading, any input appreciated
 
B

BarbaraPendragon

Member
Joined
Jan 12, 2020
Messages
16
Location
Nottingham
Hi INFP, sorry things are so tough right now. I think sometimes all any of us can do is to keep on keeping on till things get less awful. My heart got trampled on repeatedly in the course of my marriage,and when I finally split with him I thought I'd never smile again. I was wrong. As to the depression, hopefully the meds will kick in.Good luck !
 
Chase1

Chase1

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Joined
Apr 23, 2020
Messages
63
Location
USA
Sorry you're going through this INFP. I've currently been in one of the worst episodes I've had, which has been going on for months. I have Depression, anxiety and OCD along with some other traits. Been stuck in my bed and feel like a failure cause I lost everything I built yet again.

One of the things that is helping me hold on at the moment is knowing that I've gotten out of this before. About 5 years ago my mental issues started to surge, my relationship crashed and was left for someone else while my job went down at the same time. I was hopeless. With counseling, online support groups, doctors, meds, and leaning how to take care of myself I slowly got through. Over time I was put in a better place and became the most successful I've ever been.

I believe grieving over loss is part of the process but so is realizing you can turn things around after time has allowed us to let go. There are quite a lot of opportunities in life and we need to stay strong and find the right support in order to get us there. I 100% believe and experienced it's possible for all of us.
 
I

INFP_DoubleDepression

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 25, 2020
Messages
64
Location
Stevensville, MD
Thanks BarbaraPendragon for the encouraging words....i just see no light just a black never ending tunnel..and i know its the depression demon, but i just dont know how much longer i can keep this up...theres no way out but through, but im too weak and pathetic to start walking. Having zero ability to compartmentalize and being the type who feels very deeply just makes it all the worse. I have nowhere to put this agony, so it just swirls.
 
I

INFP_DoubleDepression

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 25, 2020
Messages
64
Location
Stevensville, MD
Sorry you're going through this INFP. I've currently been in one of the worst episodes I've had, which has been going on for months. I have Depression, anxiety and OCD along with some other traits. Been stuck in my bed and feel like a failure cause I lost everything I built yet again.

One of the things that is helping me hold on at the moment is knowing that I've gotten out of this before. About 5 years ago my mental issues started to surge, my relationship crashed and was left for someone else while my job went down at the same time. I was hopeless. With counseling, online support groups, doctors, meds, and leaning how to take care of myself I slowly got through. Over time I was put in a better place and became the most successful I've ever been.

I believe grieving over loss is part of the process but so is realizing you can turn things around after time has allowed us to let go. There are quite a lot of opportunities in life and we need to stay strong and find the right support in order to get us there. I 100% believe it's possible for all of us.
Chase1 thank you so much for sharing your story, and just like you i have come back before, twice. Strangely its roughly every 10 years that my life falls apart...but now i am 42, deep in debt, barely hanging on to a job that i hate, and completely alone. I really want to believe it will get better, but i feel like the only way it will is for me to fight like hell, and right now that feels all but impossible. I feel proud of myself if i manage to shower and move around a bit each day. Its a catch22...i feel too weak to grow, change, and fight bc of the depression, and thats exactly what i need to be doing so I don't end up homeless. So furious with myself for letting it get this bad and screwing things up so much.
 
Chase1

Chase1

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Joined
Apr 23, 2020
Messages
63
Location
USA
I understand completely, this is the third time in a decade for me. I feel the same way and have been dealing with much self shame. I really wanted this time to work out and I did try more than ever. Now I'm just scared and mad at myself to the point were I can't do much.

I constantly play out what if scenarios and question if there was another way but deep down I also know that's part of my illness that I need to fix. It's a natural part of the healing process to feel loss but I can have such a tendency to blame myself to torturing levels even over simple things. Relearning how to train my mind to push those thoughts away is an important goal. Easier said than done but crucial for me.

My first steps this time have been seeing my counselor, doctor and finding support. Then day by day trying to accomplish getting little things I enjoyed back like listening to music that can take my mind off things. Seems like a small thing! But even that has been a fight to enjoy again. That said I've been able to enjoy it the past couple days!
 
Y

YogiLife

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
79
All,
I am in the midst of the most acute bout of depression in my life, and there have been several. Was having chronic episode for about 2 years, but about 2 months ago my soon to be ex wife, whom i thought i would be with forever, informed me she had been carrying on an emotional affair with an old flame, and basically blindsided me and said she was done. I was in total shock for days, at one point thought i was having a nervous breakdown, and desperately clinged to hope. I have come to a place of mostly accepting that shes gone (literally moving to the other side of the country), but with the double depression, struggles at work, and financial troubles, i just dont how i can possibly get through this....meds for about 2 months now, bupropion then added lexapro about a month ago, and started therapy..maybe the meds have numbed me out a bit but i still feel completely worthless, hopeless and that my life has no meaning and has served no purpose.
Long intro, sorry...but does anyone have any advice on how to want to get better when in the deepest depths of depression hell?
Just want to sleep forever...
Also any advice on how to create a belief that things may actually ever be something other than miserable when there seems to be no evidence of anything but failure and a broken, pointless existence ahead?
Thanks for reading, any input appreciated
I can hear your pain- I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.

I have depression myself and I appreciate the feeling of thinking nothing will ever feel anything other than miserable and hopeless and you feel like a complete waste of space. Things are quite raw for you at the minute and it's understandable you're struggling- it's better to not fight it and accept that you are finding things hard and it doesn't make you any less of a person.

Life is everchanging and too complex for things to always be the same- you will have days where you feel think and see things completely differently to how you see the world today. My advice is let yourself struggle, but try not to struggle alone. Keep talking to us.
 
I

INFP_DoubleDepression

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Joined
Apr 25, 2020
Messages
64
Location
Stevensville, MD
@Chase1 sounds like we are kindred spirits of a sort...on top of everything else my memory (short and long term), retention and ability to learn new info is completely wrecked and steadily getting worse for last 2 years. I hope and pray that its mostly the depression and that with the right treatment it will improve, because I am a mere shadow of my former self, and its scary as hell to think that the intelligence ad critical thinking skills i once possessed are slowly fading away.
 
I

INFP_DoubleDepression

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 25, 2020
Messages
64
Location
Stevensville, MD
Yogilife appreciate the kind words and thoughts, folks on here seem very nice and it really helps to not feel so miserably alone for few minutes at a time. Its weird but i have carried this inside of me so long that a part of me is afraid to change and conquer it, kind of the devil i know...cant really tell where the demon stops and i start if that makes sense
 
Chase1

Chase1

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 23, 2020
Messages
63
Location
USA
Yogilife appreciate the kind words and thoughts, folks on here seem very nice and it really helps to not feel so miserably alone for few minutes at a time. Its weird but i have carried this inside of me so long that a part of me is afraid to change and conquer it, kind of the devil i know...cant really tell where the demon stops and i start if that makes sense
I know when I hit a heavy point in my depression and anxiety it makes it very hard to focus and my overall attention is just not the best. So I can have a difficulty remembering in the sense that my mind is just kind of lost. In the past I've been able to get out of it. Hope it gets better INFP.
 
Y

YogiLife

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
79
Yogilife appreciate the kind words and thoughts, folks on here seem very nice and it really helps to not feel so miserably alone for few minutes at a time. Its weird but i have carried this inside of me so long that a part of me is afraid to change and conquer it, kind of the devil i know...cant really tell where the demon stops and i start if that makes sense
I can relate to that! My counsellor pointed it out that it seems that I want things to improve, but at the same time I'm quite protective over my anxiety and almost want to hold onto it in some way, becos ultimately it's a part of who we are. It could be a sign that you're not ready to reach out for help, but not necessarily. It's a sign in my eyes that we ultimately deserve to be accepting of ourselves when we go through this hardship.
 
I

INFP_DoubleDepression

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 25, 2020
Messages
64
Location
Stevensville, MD
I can relate to that! My counsellor pointed it out that it seems that I want things to improve, but at the same time I'm quite protective over my anxiety and almost want to hold onto it in some way, becos ultimately it's a part of who we are. It could be a sign that you're not ready to reach out for help, but not necessarily. It's a sign in my eyes that we ultimately deserve to be accepting of ourselves when we go through this hardship.
Yeah one of the hardest things for me day to day is trying to separate me from the disease, especially now when I have pretty much all of the major life stressors all crashing down at once. I have always been my own worst critic and held myself to some imaginary, impossible standard....a lot of that is just my personality type, but I often cant tell where to draw the line between taking accountability for my actions and just plain kicking the shit out of myself.
When I get in this mode, its really hard to WANT to fight for anything, because it all seems so hopeless and pointless...guess that makes me a "low functioning" depressive.
 
I

INFP_DoubleDepression

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Joined
Apr 25, 2020
Messages
64
Location
Stevensville, MD
And I know you all are prob already sick of hearing about, i know i am sick of it being in my head, but 90% of my day is spent obsessing over the loss of my wife, which really represents the loss of everything that was comfortable in my life, and the destruction of all the hopes and dreams that i thought we shared for a life together. This is my first really broken heart i guess, and she just threw me away without so much as a glance back...pretty hard to maintain any positive self image and esteem through that level of deeply personal rejection. I hate my life and myself, have no hope for it to get better, but I wont die, so here I am, just living a Groundhogs Day of agony every single damn day. I want to believe people when they say it will get better, that I will get better, but I really can't see it atm. Feel like I will end up hospitalized again, but even that prob won't happen because I refuse to say that I am suicidal. Would hurt people i care about and I am terrified of the great unknown...so here I am, breathing but not really living.
 
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