• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Any advice/idea's appreciated - Trying to help my bf.

B

buzzybee

New member
Joined
Dec 22, 2009
Messages
3
Hello everyone,

Im new and this is my first post.
I only found the forum tonight and I've been reading through some threads with great interest.

Im here because my boyfriend suffers with some kind of depression.
He hasn't been diagnosed because he hasn't mustered the courage to see a doctor yet, this is because the last doctor he saw 10 years ago just fobbed him off. Its next on his list to do after already trying private counselling and hypnotherapy to no avail.

So im here to try and find some info to help him and would appreciate some first hand experiences from you.

The situation is this:

He is in his mid twenties and has suffered with depressed periods since he was around 10/11.
He isn't close to his family due to a religious divide and left home at 16.
He has debt and is in a job he doesn't want to be in but cannot afford to retrain yet.
He has lost friends throughout his life due to various reasons, none of which were his fault.
He is not scared of dying, and has on occasion had suicidal thoughts.
He is a very empathetic, caring person who is very sensitive with low self esteem.
We have been together for 6 years and the whole time he has been torn between wanting to be with me and wanting to not be in a relationship.
Currently he has been severely depressed for about 2 weeks, he is forcing himself to go out with friends in the hope it will help and is really struggling to fight it off.
The periods of depression can last anything from a couple of days to a month but there is a constant numbess/bleak outlook in his mind always. It just gets more severe. He very rarely feels truly happy and when it does happen, its for no more than a minute or two.

Any advice or thoughts on what we can do/where to begin are very much appreciated.

Thank you.

:)
 
A

Ainsworth

Guest
:welcome: buzzybee (great name btw)

you say he was depressed at 10/11, is there anything particular that cause this? his childhood doesnt sound a good one and he is cut off from family members. he very much sounds like me.

mine stems from childhood issues, abuse etc and it mapped my reactions to life. i find it hard to have friends and to trust people. feel like one of the worse person in the world and have the inability to pull myself out when in a depression.

a depressive state can come about for lots of different reasons, and then all reactions add to it and whether we feel happiness or anger it will all turn into depression come the end. does he have hightened emotions and take on others emotions/feelings as his own? thats what i do, its very overwhelming.

the indecision of being in a relationship is from attachment problems, i have the same, is he a fight or flight person also?

i have also done alot of counselling (i start again january) and hypnotherapy over the last 12 years. it will take time and i am not there by any means. they need to be getting to the root cause of when this all started and break down a barrier that he could of put up or buried in his memories because they hurt too much to face or even say out loud.

good luck with it all, glad he has you to care for him :)
 
Q

quality factor

Guest
Hi, and :welcome: to the forum.
It is good that your boyfriend has a caring, supportive person in yourself.

It might be an idea to seek help from the doctor, who may in turn, refer your boyfriend for psychiatric help once again. Depression affects people in different ways, sometimes counselling on its own may help but sometimes a course of anti depressants is in order as well. It may be that your boyfriend has had problems in the past which are still continuing to affect his state of mind in the present, if so, this needs to be dealt with professionally.

Good luck QF.
 
B

buzzybee

New member
Joined
Dec 22, 2009
Messages
3
Thanks for the replies :)

Unremarkable, when he was 9 his family switched to a completely different religion so he lost all his friends and the religion they switched to alienated him from all his school friends and rest of the family.
The males in the family always favoured his older brother and he felt left out and bullied emotionally by them. He doesn't have a close relationship with any of his immediate family because of this.
Then when he reached 16 he left that religion and lost all the good friends he made within it. He has since lost other sets of friends through other situations too.
He also had a manipulative girlfriend in his late teens who got him into debt and ruined his confidence.


The relationship thing is that he feels hemmed in and wants to be free totally as he always thinks of others and being in a relationship makes him feel responsible for my happiness (which no matter how much I tell him he isn't, its to no avail!).

If he had the money, he would fly.

He does put himself in others shoes all the time and feels really bad if someone else is having a rough time and wants to help them and if he can't he feels guilty.

He feels people won't be interested in him and has a bit of a phobia about social events, once he is there its ok but its the build up to going.

What people really see is a cool, confident, kind and caring person where as he see's himself as a total mess and loser. :(
 
trombone_babe

trombone_babe

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2009
Messages
1,191
Location
Kent
Hi buzzybee, your bf sounds like a really lovely genuine guy. I would suggest that he goes to see his GP (maybe you could go with him). As QF said, sometimes a course of anti-depressants can help. They all have a list of side-effects as long as your arm but don't be put off as not everyone gets them and they usually lessen after a couple of weeks. I know I'd be lost without mine.

I really hope you can get something sorted out for him. Let us know how you get on.
 
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