anxiety+relationships=better off alone?

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blumoon

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Dec 11, 2018
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#1
So long story short, I have developed such bad anxiety in my relationship, it is almost like a bad habit. It is slowly breaking me down, and I feel out of control and constantly gaslighting myself. Please read. Please help.

I'll try to cut to the chase. But essentially, whenever I'm around my bf, I immediately have a panic attack that will last for the entire time we're together. It is really distressing and uncomfortable, and no matter how I try to ground myself, challenge my negative thoughts, deep breathe, etc., it still feels terrible. This has been going on for awhile now. Almost a year?

Its hard to talk about this because it sounds like I don't love my partner when I really do. Even right now, its hard to type it, but I have so much evidence that points to it being true--and I know deep down that I feel so deeply for this person. I had anxiety once we started talking that my heart was going to get broken again (because I've had a run of serial terrible breakups/me putting myself out there to get crushed), but all of that alleviated when I felt our genuine connection, and that he is an amazing person. We had sex a couple of times a few months in, and I had terrible anxiety about it--to the point that I thought that I wasn't attracted to men anymore (I am bisexual). But then I got over that and was like, "Hey it doesn't matter. You're attracted to this person. You feel happy around this person. You feel something special with that person." But I would still monitor my anxiety and feelings in a way that was definitely feeding into more anxious behavior.

It soon developed into something where I would ask myself: "would it make me anxious if I hugged them?" "did that kiss make me anxious?" "If I'm anxious around them, that means I shouldn't be with them". And of course, I would Always Get Anxious. Now, I'm really good at controlling my thoughts, but my body just jumps into full-on panic attack...which degrades my emotional and mental processing as well. I think so negatively about myself and my partner. I find reasons why I don't like them and I know I'm grasping at straws. I ask myself questions of "do I even love them?" when I know I do but no amount of positive reinforcement can solve it. Everything I'm thinking and feeling is false but I don't know how to make it stop. Its almost unbearable to be with my partner because it is so bad, but I still continue to see them everyday because I want to. There isn't anyone I want to be with. So I feel like I am just better off alone :(
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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#2
Blumoon, hello. I hope you can resolve your anxiety and learn to be happy with your bf. A lot of my anxieties come from old programming and identifying this has been my homework. It just must be awful for you right now and I'm sorry you are going through this.
 
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blumoon

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#3
Thank you for responding, I appreciate it.
What kind of things do you and have you done to work through old programming? Has it helped?
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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#4
Old programming has been really hard to shake. Somehow, just being aware that it is coming from the past helps with not identifying with it in the present. I use to spend all my time in these patterns. Then I only spent some time in the patterns. It went from months to weeks to days to hours. At the level of hours I could see clearly it was an old pattern and not real. But I can still be triggered by a family member treating me as a bad girl or stupid; or just plain yelling at me puts me in the pattern of desperately wanting to be understood. Any invalidation will put me into the past frame of mind. But fortunately I've learned to be assertive and stand up for myself and cut people off when they start to verbally abuse me. And I cut people out who make me regress.
 
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