Anxiety of control

[Asdir]

I have only just, in recent days, come to realise that a lot of my control issues are, in fact, caused by an anxiety. It's like keeping all the plates spinning, if one should fall then I may break.

For many years I have tried to control the lives of those around me - mostly my family, and I have done all I could to 'fix' them, I have made sure everyone is happy as much as I could. I have worked tirelessly to make sure that any problems are defeated. When I had my breakdown I was exhausted, completely spent. Someone once said even a dripping tap can run out of water eventually. And that's how it was. I had to let go, I had to force myself to let them sink or swim. I had to drag myself to the shore and see if they could stand without me.

And slow but slow was the recovery. But I am not there yet, I have deceived myself. For I forgot the children! I was deluded by the fact that I was 'allowed' to worry about the childrem, that it was OK to fuss and interfere and make sure they were happy. Had to be happy. And they struggle against it, and I could not see for why. Why was it not good? Why did they not want me to do all this for them?

But now I am in danger of breaking again. And I see now that with each problem they face in their life my anxiety heightens and my inner panic grows, and my depression worsens. So I find that my control was never vanquished - I just shifted it.

I have had two panic attacks in my life and I fear losing that control again. I am constantly anxious about the children - are they ok, are they ok. Are they happy, are they happy.

Knowing what I am doing, seeing what is going on here - having caught myself out, this changes nothing. I know the cause but cannot see the cure.

 

[Rosepoet]

I had hundreds panic attacks over years worked out they stem from my dear of death when i was young this guy we lived with used to say odd things to me he would say the world is going to end etc and he was quite mad anyway it left me in heightened state of anxiety which was later by other things compounded i have just had four months mind numbing depression just sticking head up now but control is one of my issues too

 

[keepsafe]

Control is also one of my issues - I fear losing control because as you said then I am broken
KS

 

[Asdir]

People laugh and say 'oh, you're such a control freak', and it's a joke, I often laugh with them. But control has been the glue that kept the pieces of sanity in place.

 

[BORTU]

Hello,

I cant say Iv'e had that problem but it sounds difficult. who do you talk to about it? Have you seen a doctor? The doc may be offer ways of controlling the panic.

 

[suki1066]

asdir hello there
i could have wrote that, im so please ive read it, i know its not just me who feels like that. I too have taken a few steps back and gusse what???? the kids have gotton just fine.... i stood back when my son got the sack from the same place i work at.... i stood back when my husdand threw him out.... i stood back when my son came round still with the same shit attitude and had no job and no disire to get one.... when my daughter then trew him out i said nothing.....
she same week he got a job with a job agency just in a factory but a job non the less he came round and said hed learnt his lesson, i just said "thats good then"
i didnt lecture, offer my advise, and he has turned a corner.....so far so good.
my dd has been diagnosed with bipolar last august and we as a family have been to hell and back.... i have no control over her illness and can do very little other than be there if she needs my help. which i find awfull, i feel reponsible, guilty, all the feelings i know are daft but i feel them non the less.

i have stood back ,as all my life like you i have kept everyone together, all the bills, house, husband , kids but NOT ME , ive been so unhappy, my needs havnt been met and i kept my mouth shut and didnt say anything for fear of being found out i wasnt as perfect as i wanted everyone to think i was. i wanted to be good "at something" and yes i can guggle 1000 balls at once , but as you know at some point they start falling one by one. i like leaving the kids to it and my husband too , yep he can pay his own credit card, he can make a desision or two, i tell them to sort it out themselves and they do!!!!! lol
im much happier, the sky hasnt fallen down and so what if im not bloody perfect... who is , im a nice person, im a good friend, a good mum who will give what i can but not my soul any more thats mine i deserve it, as do you.
you deserve to be happy

 

[bobkerry]

hey try to control yourself as much as you can in order to make your life healthy....this is an important issue and you should take care of it because if you not control your anxiety then it may be danger for your health and can ruin your life. so try to control it because with the help of which you can make your life the best one....
try it you will feel better.....

 

[Asdir]

Thank you all for your replies. It is like many people say - well two things actually, one to put it inot words makes it real, whihc is a bit scary, but also it enables you to stand a little way back and look at the situation, and people offer support by just coming along, reading, leaving a message and you know you're not alone. And the other is that it's always a breath of hope when you can read that other people felt the same way, and survived.

BORTU - I have in my history seen Dr's, mental health specialists etc etc but to be blunt I am too afraid to go back inot the system, it took so long to get out. And I feel I can't let people down who are so damned relieved I am now well.