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Anxiety levels high

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anxietychild

Member
Joined
Jan 3, 2016
Messages
7
So, basically its January.. you may think what's so wrong with that.. well, in October I went through the toughest thing I've ever had to deal with. I have previously suffered with PTSD, anxiety and depression. Anxiety and depression have been a constant part in my life due to past experiences but what I'm going through now is killing me. In October I was sexually abused by a friend, since then my anxiety is through the roof, its gotten so bad that I have been put onto tablets to help control it. I dont even feel as though its touching the surface any more. After the incident my mental health plummeted, I was extremely depressed to the point where I tried to take my life and had self harmed and the anxiety made it ten times worse and its so hard to leave the house. I barely feel like myself any more.
You may think 'but what's so wrong with January?' .. Well, the guys bail was only until January where the police should have by now gathered statements etc.. The thing that's adding to my current bad anxiety is the fact that sometime this month is where he will plead guilty or not guilty. I know him, I know how disgusting and lying scum bag he is and I know he's going to plead not guilty, this means I'm going to have to go to court.
I'm gong to have to be in the same room as the guy who still manages to torture me just purely with me remembering every single day, hearing the words he said to me, reliving the pain, everything of that night I relive which constantly kills me and my mind. I'm going to have to keep reliving this in court, being asked questions, being in the same room as him, being in the same room as my mum who will have to hear all this. Its killing me inside and out. Why me? Why did this happen? I just wish I could have done something different.. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I'm so trapped in my own head that it hurting me so much mentally. Yeah I'm on medication but it doesn't do anything. I feel trapped, I feel so numb but yet at the same time I feel absolutely every emotion and every bit of pain and the thought of having to keep reliving this over and over like I have been for the past 3 months and it just seems like it never ends. I have no one to talk to because the only three people I can actually talk to either have their own problems, no time or were close to him and I don't want to put my friends in that position plus, they never know what to say or do because neither do I. I'm going to be scarred and branded as the 'girl who was sexually abused' in my mind as well as others heads probably.. I really don't know how to deal with this. Recently.. I feel like I'm going crazy and like my head is contantly spinning and I don't know how to stop it or deal with this or how to come to terms with this. Im terrified.
Im scared out of my head and half the time I dont know how I feel. At times I feel so anxious that I cant leave my room and speak to my mum. At times I feel so depressed that I just wanna die or cry myself out of this world. At times I feel angry, hurt, upset.. I feel everything but I can't explain how somehow I feel so numb at the same time. I dont know what to do, what to think, who to talk to.. I just want to go back in time so this all never happened and so I can be my old self and not this emotional wreck of a zombie that I am now. I cant even bare the thought of leaving my house. I dont know who I am anymore and feel like I've lost myself and all I can do is just sit there and feel every single emotion, thoughts contantly going through my head, nightmares every night.. I even find it difficult to sleep now, I get so tired and when it comes to going to sleep my brain starts these horrible thoughts and feelings that rush through me and if I hear a noise Im terrified its him coming to hurt me again. Has anyone been through this too? What did you do?.. What do I do?
-anxietychild.
 
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cloudy9

Guest
My gosh, I'm real sorry that happened to you anxietychild, that you're in this situation, it's horrible. I hope you have a good support person in your life or on here and I'm wishing you all the best through the upcoming trial. No, I've never been through a similar thing but someone should be able to support you with your questions. Hang in there, let go, think of peaceful things and get through this harsh situation in your life. It'll all fall into the past one day, don't worry.

Take good care.
 
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MarlieeB

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jan 15, 2013
Messages
25,096
Welcome to the forum.

You are going through so much, I am so sorry :hug1:

You were/are so brave to have got this far. I just really hope that there is a little sparkle of guilt in that black heart that he doesn't put you through a court case.

Have you got any support from the Police at all? Have you been offered any counsellling?

We are a great supportive bunch of people here.

Please ask for help if you feel you might do something bad.

Stay strong and take care.

Marliee x
 
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anxietychild

Member
Joined
Jan 3, 2016
Messages
7
My gosh, I'm real sorry that happened to you anxietychild, that you're in this situation, it's horrible. I hope you have a good support person in your life or on here and I'm wishing you all the best through the upcoming trial. No, I've never been through a similar thing but someone should be able to support you with your questions. Hang in there, let go, think of peaceful things and get through this harsh situation in your life. It'll all fall into the past one day, don't worry.

Take good care.[/QUOTE

Thank you for the support I know its going to be hard from here on out but its always nice to know that there are people who care and are supporting me through this tough time. I have my mum and another friend who are supportive but as you can understand its not an easy topic to speak to a parent about it but they are doing what they can to support me so I guess I need to take that in more.. Thank you so much cloudy9
 
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anxietychild

Member
Joined
Jan 3, 2016
Messages
7
Thank you Marliee, the police contacted a case worker who came to talk every week but have also got counselling with my therapist once a week to help come to terms with it so I'm hoping that'll help with everything and with the increased anxiety but I haven't heard from the police about whats going on and being in the dark about everything is making me more anxious.. I want to know what is happening and at the same time I don't, it is just an extremely emotional and confusing time, I just want to know whats going on so I can understand more.. Thank you so much for the support and the welcoming to the forum and I'm glad to hear and see that everyone on here is very supporting , it seems weird but it's always easier talking to people I dont know about things and seems to help so much. Thank you once again , if I feel like I'll be triggered to do something I will make sure to come here first x
 
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anxietychild

Member
Joined
Jan 3, 2016
Messages
7
Hello Per Arduda Ad Astra, thank you feels good to be here :p glad to be around such supportive and nice people~!
 
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Spaced-

Member
Joined
Jan 3, 2016
Messages
13
Location
Essex
I am sorry to read that you had to endure something so horrible, there really are some sick people in this world.

There's this belief that you may have heard of called Karma, it says that for every action somewhere along the way there will be an equally warranted reaction, for this person that will grant them much suffering.

You are doing the right thing by seeking help through the medical profession and I really hope that one day you can overcome this experience and find some inner peace, a certain zen.

Stay strong & soldier on!

:hug1:
 
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anxietychild

Member
Joined
Jan 3, 2016
Messages
7
thank you so much spaced, I hope that one day I'll be able to as well, just seems like one thing after another but I'm trying my hardest to think and stay positive and hopefully with the added help I can come to some kind of terms and be better but thank you for your words and support ⚓
 
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