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Anxiety is poisoning my dating life

B

brittb

New member
Joined
Dec 31, 2020
Messages
1
Location
belgium
Dear all,


My name is Britt. I have been in contact with a psychologist for the past three years. I have suffered from depression and borderline although I was, luckily, able to get my life back on tracks.

My psychologist is great, but one thing that she isn't able to help me with, is my anxiety when I'm dating someone when I'm in a relationship with someone or even when I'm just getting to know a possible love interest. I have been hurt in the past and I have the tendency to run whenever I feel like I'm getting too close to someone.

In my past relationships (some up to three years, I am 25 years old) I was used to talking to them 24/7. At the time this was great, now I think it might have been a bit toxic. All of my relationships were like this. We were connected all the time whenever we were apart. It feels like this communication through text is my 'love language'.

Last month, I met this one person. She is great. I truly feel like she doesn't judge me for my past. She is aware of my depression in the past and I've talked about my negative sides. Instead of letting me go, we grew stronger. I was very surprised.. She truly is great. :)
But, because of my past relationships, I am used to being in touch with them 24/7. Whenever I'm not, or whenever she doesn't reply to my messages for a couple of hours, I get scared. Maybe she met someone else. Maybe she found someone better to talk to. Maybe she is talking to another person instead of me.

On the other side, I know this is, probably, just my mind messing with me. She already told me that replying for a couple of hours isn't a sign of desinterest: it simply means she is busy at the time and wants to wait until she has more time to reply extensive to my messages. Maybe (even more: probably) she is just watching a movie, or cooking food, and so on.


Does anyone have any ideas or tips on how I can handle this situation? I don't want to mess things up because of my anxiety. I truly want to change things. I want to be able to keep myself busy whenever I'm not talking to her. I want to become more independent, but I don't know where to start.


Thank you very much in advance :)
Britt
 
Bipolarbear808

Bipolarbear808

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 15, 2020
Messages
226
Location
USA
Hey Britt,

I can relate to waiting for someone to text you back and all the crazy thoughts that can run through my mind. What I realized is that I was worrying so much because I was insecure about myself and I didn't really trust that person. When I realized that I started telling myself that they care for me and let myself trust they weren't doing anything to purposely hurt me. Once I really started to trust them, I stopped worrying so much. I'm not gonna lie, trying to convince myself to trust someone else was not easy...but I think I was worth it!
 
I

itsmeagain

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 25, 2010
Messages
825
Location
england
Hi Britt.
As Bipolarbear808 says, it stems from being insecure plus lack of trust.
Give her a chance and it'll ease off.
Good luck.
 
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PuppyBackpack19

Member
Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
21
Location
The World
For me, what helped was avoiding texting and just focusing on calling. And turning off the phone and redirecting my focus on things like exercising a lot, studying, and meditation (specifically focusing on my breathing)

I don't have borderline PD, but I do have autism, and due to a lot of social ridicule in person I've had a lot of anxiety that people are avoiding or abandoning me due to something I may have said or done that doesn't fit in with the cultural norms in the area that I'm in. It took me several years to to deal with this.

Hope this helps :)
 
zula77

zula77

Active member
Joined
Jan 10, 2021
Messages
26
Location
York
I'd just like to add that if people don't reply immediately to messages it is most likely nothing to do with you! I get so worked up when replying to people because I put so much pressure on myself and am convinced I'm going to say the wrong thing and I want the other person to think good things about me. So it can take days before I am ready to reply. And this is for people very close to me. This helps when people don't reply to me, I just imagine if they felt the same way as me then I don't worry so much when I don't get immediate replies.

Hope you are doing okay.
 
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