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Anxiety is not who I am

S

Snowfall 62

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 2, 2021
Messages
65
Location
22630
Before my break down I was a very positive happy, independent, and out going person.
I always tried to see the good that comes out of any thing that happens to me in my life.
As scary as it was 10 years ago being told that I had a very aggressive ovarian cancer and had to go through 3 months of intensive chemotherapy it never diminished my hopeful and joyful spirit. The good out of that was gaining the insight and understanding just a little bit of those who face their own mortality and having to live with cancer. I'm healed, whole and well from cancer but when meeting another person who is or had cancer there's a fellowship that only those who have experienced it would understand. There's a loneliness as you travel your journey of cancer. Your loved ones want to help you but only you can walk into the hospital to receive the treatment and deal with horrible side effects of chemo.
The isolation of not being able to be around a lot of people so you don't get sick and watching life go on from your bedroom window is an aching experience. When the chemo would wear off a little bit before my next round I did my best to be , just mom, to my youngest son. I would fix his meals, read with him and play board games. My wonderful sister was living with us and taking care of us during this time. She didn't want me to exert myself but I told her my son needs to see his mom doing normal everyday things.
Your world is turned upside down when Cancer enters your life.
Now, all that being said the good thing I have found in having a break down in my life and dealing with the constant hopelessness, racing thoughts, no real sense of serenity or joy in my life is that I have become a fellow traveler in mental and emotional health issues. Both of my sons have anxiety so I couldn't really understand what they were going through. I used to say the well meaning but clueless things like, if you try hard enough you can get over this or don't make a big deal out of everything because it will be alright. I've apologized to both of my sons for things said in pure ignorance that made them feel like their mental anguish was being unheard or that it was their fault of not trying harder
to get over it. Those same well meaning but hurtful words have been said to me and I feel angry and hurt at the same time. When my anxiety builds to the point of breaking down and crying my husband will say but we've had such a good day ( in other words you've ruined the day) when husband tells me to try harder...think more positive...in other words...get over it! I respond calmly but burning inside...I would love to be the person I used to be...happy, waking up without dread and a sick feeling in my stomach, to go through the day with peace and not this continuous uneasiness of anxiety, to be able to enjoy our relationship without the racing thoughts and triggers of you cheating on me and abandoning me when I needed you most but this is who I am....broken and trying to heal from all the waves that have constantly crashed upon my heart, mind and body. My youngest son said to me recently, It's like you died mom after you were done taking care of gram when she died from cancer and you had your break down. I told told him that's true and the person who I was is gone but for all my hurts at least I am now able to better understand
him and his brother's hurts. I also said my love for him will never change even though I am not the mom he used to know.
So I now understand the loneliness of mental illness....I can never make anyone fully understand the hell I live each day and that the wounds inside take longer to heal than a cold or a broken arm. Hugs to all out there to my fellow travelers.
 
Bipolarbear808

Bipolarbear808

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 15, 2020
Messages
226
Location
USA
I'm sorry you've been through so much pain! But, that was beautifully written and I thank you for sharing that!
 
R

Rose1985

New member
Joined
Feb 12, 2021
Messages
1
Location
Maryland
Before my break down I was a very positive happy, independent, and out going person.
I always tried to see the good that comes out of any thing that happens to me in my life.
As scary as it was 10 years ago being told that I had a very aggressive ovarian cancer and had to go through 3 months of intensive chemotherapy it never diminished my hopeful and joyful spirit. The good out of that was gaining the insight and understanding just a little bit of those who face their own mortality and having to live with cancer. I'm healed, whole and well from cancer but when meeting another person who is or had cancer there's a fellowship that only those who have experienced it would understand. There's a loneliness as you travel your journey of cancer. Your loved ones want to help you but only you can walk into the hospital to receive the treatment and deal with horrible side effects of chemo.
The isolation of not being able to be around a lot of people so you don't get sick and watching life go on from your bedroom window is an aching experience. When the chemo would wear off a little bit before my next round I did my best to be , just mom, to my youngest son. I would fix his meals, read with him and play board games. My wonderful sister was living with us and taking care of us during this time. She didn't want me to exert myself but I told her my son needs to see his mom doing normal everyday things.
Your world is turned upside down when Cancer enters your life.
Now, all that being said the good thing I have found in having a break down in my life and dealing with the constant hopelessness, racing thoughts, no real sense of serenity or joy in my life is that I have become a fellow traveler in mental and emotional health issues. Both of my sons have anxiety so I couldn't really understand what they were going through. I used to say the well meaning but clueless things like, if you try hard enough you can get over this or don't make a big deal out of everything because it will be alright. I've apologized to both of my sons for things said in pure ignorance that made them feel like their mental anguish was being unheard or that it was their fault of not trying harder
to get over it. Those same well meaning but hurtful words have been said to me and I feel angry and hurt at the same time. When my anxiety builds to the point of breaking down and crying my husband will say but we've had such a good day ( in other words you've ruined the day) when husband tells me to try harder...think more positive...in other words...get over it! I respond calmly but burning inside...I would love to be the person I used to be...happy, waking up without dread and a sick feeling in my stomach, to go through the day with peace and not this continuous uneasiness of anxiety, to be able to enjoy our relationship without the racing thoughts and triggers of you cheating on me and abandoning me when I needed you most but this is who I am....broken and trying to heal from all the waves that have constantly crashed upon my heart, mind and body. My youngest son said to me recently, It's like you died mom after you were done taking care of gram when she died from cancer and you had your break down. I told told him that's true and the person who I was is gone but for all my hurts at least I am now able to better understand
him and his brother's hurts. I also said my love for him will never change even though I am not the mom he used to know.
So I now understand the loneliness of mental illness....I can never make anyone fully understand the hell I live each day and that the wounds inside take longer to heal than a cold or a broken arm. Hugs to all out there to my fellow travelers.
I am sorry what you are going through. I do understand how you feel, I relate so much to what you are going through.
When you go through cancer and you beat it you come out a different person and chemo kills more than the cancer cells, it changes your whole gut microbial health and therefore your brain. It's been a long journey for me, but i feel i am on the other side. Let me know if you want some guidance on where to start. It can be undone! You are a great person and you sound very strong and caring.
 
S

Snowfall 62

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 2, 2021
Messages
65
Location
22630
I am sorry what you are going through. I do understand how you feel, I relate so much to what you are going through.
When you go through cancer and you beat it you come out a different person and chemo kills more than the cancer cells, it changes your whole gut microbial health and therefore your brain. It's been a long journey for me, but i feel i am on the other side. Let me know if you want some guidance on where to start. It can be undone! You are a great person and you sound very strong and caring.
I never realized that what was happening in my stomach would affect my brain. I know I need Activia and other probiotics to feel better. I'm so glad you understand where I'm coming from but saddened at the same time because you were told you have cancer... isn't that about the most shake your whole world moment in your life? And that you also went through chemo.
I would love to hear what has helped you. Thank you for sharing this with me.
 
S

Snowfall 62

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 2, 2021
Messages
65
Location
22630
I'm sorry you've been through so much pain! But, that was beautifully written and I thank you for sharing that!
I gave you a hug when you sent this post but I should have added a thank you for your kindness. Your reply meant a lot to me.
 
jajingna

jajingna

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 31, 2020
Messages
4,495
Location
Canada
I guess anxiety makes it hard for many of us to be who we want to be
 
Bipolarbear808

Bipolarbear808

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 15, 2020
Messages
226
Location
USA
I gave you a hug when you sent this post but I should have added a thank you for your kindness. Your reply meant a lot to me.
No worries and you're very welcome! I hope everything is going well and feel free to reach out if you need anything! Take care!
 
S

Snowfall 62

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 2, 2021
Messages
65
Location
22630
I guess anxiety makes it hard for many of us to be who we want to be
So true. I feel trapped in my mind. The loss of peace of mind has been my biggest obstacle in living each day.
 
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