Anxiety? Help

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Bb24

New member
Joined
Aug 16, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Nebraska
Back in my junior year of high school I had a panic attack one day. This panic attack led me to believe that I was having a heart attack. I went to the emergency room and they did an EKG on me. Everything came back perfectly fine and after the blood work was done I was sent home. They diagnosed my visit to the ER as a possible anxiety attack. I have never had one of these in my life before.
I went home in the next few days were normal. Then I started to "check in" on myself to see how I was doing to make sure my "episode" didn't happen again.
I kept thinking things like 'do things seem normal?' 'Do I feel normal?' etc...
this continued for about a week until I started to feel physically ill. I was eating less and less and thoughts became more and more irrational all the time. I was put on the antidepressant called celexa for anxiety disorder and it made things worse. I was immediately taken off of it and was not put on any other medication. Then after several more doctor visits I was prescribed Xanax. After taking the Xanax I immediately felt slightly better. I was able to eat and things seem to ease up.
however, the Xanax only work for about two weeks. Then I went and I saw a psychiatrist who prescribe me lorazepam and escitalopram. It took a week or so to see improvement but it fixed me up.
In the course of three to four years I have had a few medication changes here and there. at one point I was switched to 20 mg of escitalopram instead of 10mg and I was put on buspar and clonazepam instead of the lorazepam. Things went well for about three years.
One morning I woke up in a panic and I felt like I needed to go to the ER. I couldn't tell what was wrong. Things look so weird and things felt so out of place. I was freaking out. Eventually, I calmed down. For the next few weeks I started to "check in" on myself again. I kept feeling like something was constantly wrong but I didn't know what. These symptoms worsened until I was physically ill again. I wasn't able to eat anything and I was vomiting every day. I went back to my psychiatrist and he took me off of it escitalopram. He put me on cymbalta, and about three other medications over the course of a month and a half. Remeron, abilify. During that time I saw little to no improvement. He took me off all medication and he put me on viibryd 20 mg 15 mg of Seroquel and clonazepam.5mg. over the course of four months I started to see a little improvement. I was able to go back to work but I was nowhere near being 100% again.
I am currently feeling as if I'm going back down hill. My thoughts seem so irrational. I keep thinking things like "life seems so weird in existence seems so weird". I keep thinking how strange it is that we each have our own self existence. The thought of it panics me for some reason. It never used to. Sometimes I feel as if I'm the only one on this Earth and these people around me are just characters in MY world. I analyzed like crazy. I can't enjoy life. Sometimes I analyze people enough to the point where they look foreign or odd. It's almost as if they're alien to me. My mind is constantly analyzing. I can't stop analyzing everything and I can't stop obsessing over how I'm feeling/doing. I am constantly "checking in" on myself 24/7. I often feel as if my brain is on fire or if my brain is deteriorating. I feel like I have some kind of sickness in my head. sometimes my head feels so weird and I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like I'm at the point where I'm going to have a mental breakdown in the institutionalized for the rest of my life. My psychiatrist recommended TMS therapy and I have completed 18 sessions of it. Out of the 18 sessions, there has been little to no effect. I feel distant from everything and disconnected. I feel as if I'm in a completely different world than everybody else. I feel like I'm living a different life than I did in the past and I feel like a stranger to myself. Nothing seems normal and I can hardly enjoy anything. It's very scary and I hate living like this everyday. I do not have thoughts of suicide but I do I doubt that I will ever get better and I get very scared by this thought. I often think that I am definitely going crazy days inn it disturbs me very much. I cannot think normally like I used to. I am obsessing over my thoughts and feelings and it has completely consumed me. I feel sick in side my head. these feelings are almost impossible to describe. I'm not sure what to do or where to go from here. It seems as if I'm stuck like this forever. this past year has seemed like an eternity dealing with this. I don't feel mentally strong at all. I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff just barely hanging on.
I get such weird feeling inside my head like wires are crossed in my brain. Sometimes I feel like I just want to bang my head against the wall. Sometimes I feel like I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. I don't do these things, but I often feel the urge to. I feel like my mind is poisoned. I feel like I'm in some kind of weird five sequins or some dream that I need to wake up from. The hardest part is trying to describe these feelings and thoughts in a way so others can understand them. They are so complex and so tough to explain. I have no sense of security, no sense of safety, in no sense of everything being alright. I constantly feel like something is very wrong or something horrific is on the verge of happening.
This is all so strange because a year ago at this time, I would have been strong enough to give people advice or offer help to people dealing with anxiety. Now I can barely get out of bed because I'm struggling with my thoughts so much. I'm in such a weird world it seems. I'm so scared my mind will never get back to how it was.
my sense of well-being is completely gone. Every second of every day is an uphill battle and I am exhausted. My brain feels like it's at war with itself 24/7. It's nothing I can ignore. It's like this every second of every day. And imma constantly obsessing over! I can't stop no matter what I do and I feel like I will never be able to get back to normal.
I used to be so driven and all of the things that I did. Now I feel as if life has no purpose. I constantly think "what is the purpose of doing things?" "Why work?" "For money?" "What does money gain you?"
It's like I have no desire for life. I'm not suicidal but I have no desire for life. I feel as if I'm just existing. It's such an ugly feeling that I wish I could escape.
I feel like I'm always on the verge of a mental breakdown and it's like I'm new to life. I don't know how I used to make it through life before. Everyday is an uphill battle.
 
Cpt_Stunning

Cpt_Stunning

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
550
Location
Plymouth
That's what anxiety does to you, it's a monster that controls your life, but that's all it is. You have to consciously force yourself to stop the monster controlling your life. I'm not sure what you mean by "checking in" on yourself, but would you do that if you didn't have anxiety? of course not.

There are ways of doing it, about using behaviour & thought processes, rational behaviour & thought, using the power of conscious thinking.

I know what you are experiencing is scary, it's called derealisation, I can relate to it.

You mentioned the past you were OK, I was too, I went to places where I lived & visited when I was OK, & shouted in my mind that I am still the same person that I was then, & I can be like I was then, that seemed to help.
 
HauntedWitch

HauntedWitch

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jul 9, 2019
Messages
501
Location
somewhere between here and there
[QUOTE="Bb24, post: 1847964, member: 82649"It's like I have no desire for life. I'm not suicidal but I have no desire for life. I feel as if I'm just existing. It's such an ugly feeling that I wish I could escape.I feel like I'm always on the verge of a mental breakdown and it's like I'm new to life. I don't know how I used to make it through life before. Everyday is an uphill battle.[/QUOTE]

That must be very frightening. Sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time!

I can't be sure, not being a doctor, but it sounds as if you are suffering from a combination of hypochondria (the constant checking of yourself) and mania (racing thoughts). I wonder if you were correctly diagnosed. You might want to do some research on your symptoms, if you haven't already, write down possible disorders that match, and talk to your doctor about this. Fortunately, there is a lot of info. available for free on the internet, complete with quick and easy symptom quizzes.
 
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