When I got an intrusive thought. It made me fear I was homicidal. I did compulsions to prove to myself I didn't want to kill and it made me feel like I had ocd not a murderer. They feel fake I don't think it's ocd. I feel sometimes like maybe I am homicidal. I get caught up and think one day it's going to happen and that I want it to happen. I'm normally terrified when that happens but the anxiety is less When I'm unsure I test myself like I go tap your left finger if I you want to kill right if you dont. Ive never said I want to kill. I doubt myself. I don't trust me when I say it in the mirror. I'm in so much doubt all day and can't tell if I want to do it. Sometimes it appeals to me. The idea of being homicidal does scare. maybe that's false. I avoided violent video games to prove to myself I'm not for violence but my mum helped me back into them. It wasn't to hard. I look for reassurance most days. But all others are just different types of testing. example wash your hands if you don't want to kill your family. They are all voulentry. I did once have thought where I thought there was a baby in my room I knew it was stupid but if I didn't look for up to 2 hours I was a baby killer. Am I over thinking? I'm not full of rage. I thought about suicide (id never do it) because of the fear in the past but I'm not too depressed. Just a little bored of life because of fear. I have cleaning liquid in my phone so hard to type. Had depersonlization and been to doctors/therapist. My hands have germs on sorry.